ByBenjamin Marlatt, writer at Creators.co

In 2005, an unknown rampant virus has struck much of the population with a deadly disease that features symptoms similar to that of zombie creatures. A small group of survivors, led by Officer Joe Singer (Gunter Ziegler), is desperately searching for the answer needed to eradicate the virus, but with the CDC having recently been abandoned by its staff, that light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away.

Refusing to give up hope, Singer along with his highly irresponsible wife, dickhead best friend and the uber-whiny little bitch that is his son seeks to find a cure, which in turn may lead to a brighter tomorrow.

Yeah, I’m just messing with you. This film, though the title and poster may lead you to believe so, has nothing to do with any of that. I pretty much just gave you a brief rundown of The Walking Dead – Season One.

What really happens is Officer Singer – a cop who claims to hail from Alabama, yet sounds less like them Duke boys and more like he should be rounding up ze Jews in ze Auschwitz camps – likes to arrest random girls on trumped up charges such as “the bitch is jaywalking”. He then takes them to his abandoned warehouse, has his way with them, injects them with a weird liquid, then murders them.

His psychiatrist shows up and keeps asking, “Is it safe?”

His dad’s a priest that taught him from the books of Acts, Numbers and Revelation. Apparently, they “surely paid off”.

Spankings in a nuthouse.

A penis gets eaten.

Voodoo mamas conjure up the dead.

Cheeseburgers.

That’s about as coherent a description as you’re gonna get.

From Ulli Lommel, the writer/director of the Redbox/Family Video smash hit The Boogeyman, Zombie Nation is a bizarre little film, the closest we’ll ever get to a mash-up of Night of the Living Dead, The Human Centipede films and Spice World. Nothing leaves viewers quaking in their seats quite like undead hotties stalking their prey to some Ace of Base knockoff soundtrack. Could it be that Lommel’s in on the joke? Maybe, but I think he forgot to send that memo down to the cast.

want you all to take a look at the poster up above. Go ahead, take a good, hard look at what clearly is a photo of a decrepit member of the undead, one that is nowhere to be seen in this film. Five hotties getting raised back from the dead (just one is actually, so hell if I know how the other four got resurrected too) in order to seek vengeance on their murderer doesn’t even come close to being a “zombie nation”; in fact, zombie region, state, county, city and township are all stretches to make. If they’re lucky, these five flesh-eating babes might have the numbers to qualify as a zombie PTA committee.

Even the “symptoms” these five women possess seem questionable. When I think zombie, I tend to think leprous, decayed flesh, weakened motor skills from a dead brain and an unrelenting, robotic-like quest to feed on human flesh simply ’cause their condition is essentially a virus programmed to do nothing but spread the virus worldwide like an unstoppable machine. Okay, maybe the stereotyping racist in me has been spoiled by George A. Romero and it’s not like Deadliest Warrior’s take on the zombie is the gospel truth of medical discovery. Maybe Lommel – who along with Uwe Boll is proof that Germany is as reliable at filmmaking as they were at WWII-era human relations – knows something about the zombie disease that we don’t? Consider the symptoms these girls have…

  • Carrying an infection that is highly contagious, deadly even.
  • An unrelenting need to feed on human flesh.
  • Fully coherent speech.
  • Horniness.
  • Deep, self-aware compassion for loved ones such as husbands, children, siblings, parents, etc.
  • An ability to blend into their surroundings solely by consuming what humans feed on – cheeseburgers.

Why put any effort into making the five look and act like the undead when you can just hit up your nearing Dick’s Sporting Goods and get some eye black to smear around the girls’ eyes? What a shocking transformation! It complements the cheap set design so well.

But wait! Maybe this isn’t an exercise in lazy filmmaking. Perhaps we’re all witnesses to an intentionally empty looking environment meant to depict a zombie apocalypse that has already occurred? Yes, perhaps it all happened years and years before the events of this film, and now all that’s left clinging for dear life to the ravaged aftermath are the few remaining remnants of civilized order that once made up our proud society of highly-evolved - well, okay, marginally intelligible individuals just competent enough to piss in a toilet without getting their hands wet.

Think about it. You see a tacky looking police department consisting of foldout tables, the cheapest computers you can think of, and a couple cubicle dividers all inside an empty warehouse… I see a nation rebuilding with whatever resources they have available in the midst of a post-apocalyptic tragedy.

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

You see a rookie cop so idiotic as to just constantly accept Singer’s excuse that he “let the girl go”, even though he just watched his corrupt mentor toss a giant trash bag in the back of his trunk after “interrogating” his captive girl in his little torture chamber… I see the utter collapse and decay of societal order where human decency and reasoning have been erased.

You see an inept internal affairs investigation where they handle Singer’s corrupt deeds by suspending the entire police force… I see… Okay, that actually doesn’t make any sense at all.

At least cheeseburgers still exist at the end of the world, even though male genitalia appears to be these five girls’ delicacy of choice… sluts.

My bad, I apologize for such a crass comment. But to be fair, they do slowly savor each finger-licking phallic bite like it’s orgasmic.

I’m just saying if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, chances are it’s a whore.

Confusing, slapdash, tonally all over the place and deceptively marketed, Zombie Nation seems to know very little, if anything at all, of zombies, zombie nations, police procedurals, internal affairs, voodoo magic, cheeseburgers, child abuse psychology and how to properly use an iconic Marathon Man reference. I’m not exactly sure what this film is about, yet based on the cheap, half-assed, confounding story, it’s safe to say I’m in good company with Ulli Lommel.

Review source: http://silverscreenfanatic.com/2015/08/03/what-the-hell-were-they-thinking-83/

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