ByKennedy Kruger, writer at
Superhero fanatic and Jedi Knight.
Kennedy Kruger

I have not written anything in a year, but I came back to tell you about this movie.

The Fantastic Four film franchise is similar to a poorly refurbished ceramic vase. A long time ago in 1994, somebody broke the vase. A decade later, a Fox came along, glued it back together, and gave it a new Hollywood paint job, but the Fox broke it a second time. The Fox tried to reconstruct the vase once again. Upon its completion, no one knew what the beaten, mangled vase now looked like, except for the Fox. As a final touch before revealing it to the world, the Fox lifted its leg and pissed on the vase. That is Fox's Fant4stic, and I can tell you the vase is in irreparable shards.

I do not care what Josh Trank said about there being a better version of this film. I do not care what he may or may not have done during the production process of Fansfourstic. I do not care how much Fox was involved, due to all the reshoots. The fact is, the past is the past. We are in the present. As Sue Storm says in the film, "[Something] can't change the past [cliche], you can only change the future." I'm sorry for my lack of accurate quoting, as I do not give a crumble of a turd for this movie.

I didn't write this to tear the film apart as other critics are already doing. Granted, it NEEDS to be torn apart. I have only written this to tell you not to see the movie. Please, do not waste your money, and I do mean "waste". This isn't like Pixels where you can say, "I kinda want to see how bad it is." Trust me. It's bad. In fact, it's unwatchable. My roommate who came to see the film with me actually got up and left. I thought something was wrong, but he honestly could not sit through this 90-minute piece of shit. I don't blame him.

I am not excited for the lazy, heartless Doctor Doom set-up. I am not impressed with the cringe-worthy special FX. The writing was absurdly generic and cheesy. The Fantastic Four is Marvel's first family, and should be respected as such-- Not a bunch of twenty-something quirky hipsters acting like matured teens with an interest in science. I am, however, excited for the actors, as this is only a bad experience for them. Miles Teller, Kate Mara, Michael B. Jordan, and Jamie Bell are incredible performers and I have no doubt their success will continue to thrive.

As I was saying about Marvel's first family, it is clear that F4nt4stic 4 is going to lose Fox all the cash they've trying to bank on the superhero trend. And who will save the day like a true superhero would? Marvel Studios. They saved Spidey, and I am sure they will save the first family that started it all. How will they incorporate it? I do not know, but here's an idea for fun:

The Fantastic Four appeared in the very first issue of The Amazing Spider-Man comic series. Have Spider-Man's first MCU film introduce the Fantastic Four. If not in present canon, F4 should exist in the past. The 1960s. The days of Agent Carter, Hank Pym, and the beginning of SHIELD.

I'm not writer for Marvel (though one can dream), nor is anyone certain what the aftermath of this cluster***k will be. Perhaps Fox will keep trying with what they've got/what they have left, but personally, I would love to see a deal between Fox and Marvel happen (excluding the X-Men ((for now)). If not the team, then at least Silver Surfer and Galactus for Infinity War. *sighs, eyes flutter* All fanboy fantasies aside, heed my words:

This movie is shit. Save your money. Go see Ant-Man again. I did.

1.5 stars for the actors who worked with what they had.


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