Most celebrities have no right to exist – just because you had sex with someone’s brother or were the millionth person to passionately belt that Whitney Houston song out on American Idol doesn’t mean you’ve earned the right to be loved by millions. The only thing more worthless than celebrities are the products they slap their names on – especially when it comes to star-centric action figures. We’d all be better off living in a world where the following toys did not.
As in, from the inexplicably popular sitcom of the same name, starring Fran “Yes, that is her real voice” Drescher. It talks. The back of the box features the doll satanically looking at the camera with a word bubble that read, "The Nanny Will Talk To You Forever Uh Haaannnnnhhhh" Truly terrifying – not recommended for children 14 and under.
Ah, 1991...it was, indeed, a simpler time. How simple, you ask? Simple enough that multiple dolls and gold lamé outfits honoring one-hit-wonder Vanilla Ice existed. Heck – even MC Hammer had multiple dolls, again with multiple outfits. But who the hell needed to collect 'em all?
Sure, Whoopi’s action figure came about because she played Guinan on Star Trek: The Next Generation, but the argument can be made that a Whoopster action figure should never, regardless of reason, exist. The woman was in Theodore Rex, for cripes’ sake. And is STILL on The View. She does not deserve to be honored in any way.
As in, the head of the Lord's Resistance Army (LRA), the Ugandan guerrilla group that made all those hipsters cry earlier this year. ThatsMyFace, the utterly insane company that created Kony’s doll, also sells plastic versions of VP hopeful Paul Ryan, Kate Middleton (which, for some reason, costs $169) and Attorney General Eric Holder. If you’re worried that some of the $99 you drop on My Little Kony goes to the man himself, don’t worry – according to the company, "Part of the proceeds of the sales of Kony's action figure ($25 per figure) will be donated to the Invisible Children for their Stop Kony initiative. Note that ThatsMyFace is in no way associated with or endorsed by Invisible Children or Joseph Kony. ThatsMyFace does do not condone the actions of Joseph Kony or of any other figurine of a public figure or fictional character we may carry." Phew. For a minute there, I thought those folks were exploitative monsters.
Actually, two Winona Ryder action figures exist – Call, her charcter from Alien Resurrection, and the animated version of Lydia Deetz, her character from Beetlejuice (which was given away in Burger King kids meals in the early 90’s). When one thinks of Winona Ryder, one thinks of many things – Heathers, Johnny Depp’s “Winona Forever” tattoo, her shoplifting conviction, etc. What one does NOT think of, however, is how nice it would be to own an action figure of her likeness.
Dennis Hopper was a legendary actor and director. Don’t believe me? Peep all them Oscar nominations he got, son. Just because he was a legend, though, didn’t mean he was infallible. The 90’s were a rough time for the guy – not only did he play King Koopa in the Super Mario Brothers movie, but he was also in Waterworld (a.k.a. one of the biggest box office bombs of all time). His characters from both films were turned into action figures, thus insuring a generation of kids would never respect him.
Master P is best known as the founder of No Limit Records – he’s also known for his platinum-selling single "Make 'Em Say Uhh!" After "Make 'Em Say Uhh!" blew up, P did what any sensible businessman would do – he founded “No Limit Toys” and turned himself into a talking doll. Squeeze said doll’s tummy and it’ll say, "Uhhh….na na na na. Uhhh…na na na na." Wait...why did No Limit Records go bankrupt again?
Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson
These creepy, dead-eyed Cabbage Patch Kids dolls date back from the salad days of 2004, when Lachey and Simpson were the dimwitted protagonists of MTV’s Newlyweds. The twisted monsters at Cabbage Patch Kids HQ have gone on to also make Cabbage Patch versions of Ellen Degeneres, Steven Tyler and weatherman Al Roker. Shudder.
What other celebrity action figures are wastes of good, Chinese, plastic? Let me know in the comments!