ByBenjamin Marlatt, writer at

Prison warden Bill Boss (Dieter Laser) is a vulgar, racist, foulmouthed, secretary sexual harassing, fried clitoris munching –

whoa – whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat????!!!!!!!!

After Bill’s accountant Dwight Butler (Laurence R. Harvey) shows him and his secretary Daisy (Bree Olson) the Human Centipede films, Butler pitches a “brilliant idea” for a human centipede of prisoners; however, Bill hates the films and describes them as shit and turns down the idea, even though Dwight states the plan would cut down on their out of control costs and serve as an extreme deterrent on crime.

Save the sexually deviant ones which would probably spike about 500%.

Following an assault that results in a prison guard being stabbed, Bill’s on the hot seat. In his infinite wisdom, he feels snapping the arm of Inmate 178 (Tommy “Tiny” Lister) and then hurling racial slurs at him should solve everything, but Governor Hughes (Eric Roberts) arrives and threatens both Bill and Dwight’s jobs if they don’t put an end to all the chaos.

So after clearing his mind with a forced blowjob from Daisy and popping a couple lightly salted fried clitorises (personally, I prefer the honey roasted ones), Bill finally agrees to Dwight’s idea to suture all of the prisoners together ass-to-mouth, forming a giant human prison centipede.

They even get permission from, of all people, Tom Six, the writer/director/producer of all three Human Centipede films.

Suck a dick, Birdman, this is how you do meta!

Yes! Everyone’s favorite provocateur, Tom Six, is back for a third time with The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence). Or as Dieter Laser wildly enunciates it – a huuuumaaaahn centipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeede!!!!

If you’ve seen the first two films – and if you haven’t, you really are missing out on some masterpiece cinema – you know Tom Six loves to push buttons like a mofo. Actually, he loves to slam them like an excited baby on their Fisher Price popup toy.

I had one of those once when I was a little kid. They are quite fun.

If you thought Six couldn’t get any more vile and depraved than the vividly detailed knocking out of teeth with a pin hammer in Full Sequence (the second film), think again!

  • Bill likes to munch on fried clitorises.
  • When he’s not munching on fried lady parts, he’s finger-banging his secretary’s. Judging from her expression, having her bean forcibly flicked and then getting assaulted for “having an opinion” don’t seem to be as Maria von Trapp would say a “few of her favorite things”.
  • Bill castrates – don’t worry, we’re not cheated out of seeing it happen – a prisoner with a knife, and then eats his deep fried balls for lunch… There ya go, Tyson Foods. Make it happen.
  • During a nightmare scene, the castrated prisoner stabs Bill in the kidneys and rapes the hole missionary style.
  • When Bill learns one inmate will unfortunately be unable to participate in the centipede formation ’cause of his stoma, he rips out the inmates colostomy bag, digs the gun into the opening and shoots him dead.
  • After Daisy is beaten into a coma by the prisoners, Bill rapes her lifeless body. The sounds of moistness practically pop out of the screen… I think the sound designer here is a sadist.

Anyway, I could go on, but you get the point. Six is as subtle as a sledgehammer to the balls, which is fitting since the film experience is just as pleasant. We get it. We got it the last time and the time before that too, but now the novelty is gone. This is shock without any meaning. Of course, that’s the case for all three films, but now it’s just tiresome and predictable. Six can once again claim “satire” and have characters get all metafictional on us by referring to his films as shit ’til he’s blue in the face, but it’s nothing more than him throwing the kitchen sink’s worth of whatever wretched sight gag he think of all in the name of being provocative, and he’s only one “Fuck!!” shouting 2-year-old away from hitting for the shock value cycle.

Although a strong argument can be made that Bill’s mentality is exactly that of a profanity-laced toddler, so congrats on getting that hard to obtain triple.

I actually used the word “novelty” in reference to a Human Centipede film… How cute.

I swear at some point the onslaught of dull, desensitized violence turned me into Lt. Dan on top of S.S. Jenny’s mast during Hurricane Carmen begging to Tom Six to bring it some more.

“YOU CALL THIS A STORM??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

On top of all the tedious ways blood and shit can get flung at the screen, the film is made all the more obnoxious by the two insufferable performances from its returning lead actors Dieter Laser (from the first film) and a whiny, Hitler mustached Laurence R. Harvey (from the second). I guess you could say their work is the film’s sole sign of life much in the same way a horribly fatal car crash occurring next to you is sure to wake you up. If you’re wondering why Harvey was reduced to nothing but grunts and groans in the last film, Six relents and shows us why.

Laser, who crescendos past Nigel Tufnel’s 11 and hits somewhere around 88, accentuates each of his lines in heavy German-accented, vein-bulging “STA-CCA-TO!!!!” fashion you have to wonder if even the film subtitles are gonna throw their hands in the air and give up about a quarter of the way through. If he isn’t incessantly shouting like a tantrum throwing brat, he’s acting out an organism like he’s trying to painfully shit out a turd sideways. I’m sure both he and Six feel shouting like a drunk idiot the whole way through is the best way to convey madness, but it’s so badly over-the-top the only feasible reason I can think of that he’s able to keep going and going is ’cause all the crew members were so entertained by his stupid antics they kept goading him to do more. You know, kinda like the massively drunk friend at the party who’ll literally do or say anything you tell them to do.

Even rape the comatose drunk girl in the corner.

Speaking of which, poor Bree Olson. Who knew it’d be the porn star that tries the hardest? Gotta give her props for toughing it out. I imagine it can’t be easy working with actual dialogue that isn’t “You like my big fucking tits in your face?!” or “Fuck me harder!!” Any awkward, uncomfortable stares from her can just be chalked up to not being used to filming a scene with clothes on… or hell, even just panties for that matter.

In total fairness to her, the scene where she’s giving Bill head is performed so naturally it’s downright Oscar worthy, though her authenticity suffers for a brief moment when her character has to beg Bill not to make her swallow.

Oh, and really, Eric Roberts? Yeah, I know if I Google “A-lister”, your image’s not exactly the first one popping up, unless it’s a picture of you next to your sister Julia, and that Best Supporting Actor Oscar nod for Runaway Train feels like forever and a day ago. But, seriously, Christopher Nolan, of all people, gave you a fairly substantial role in The Dark Knight, so I can’t believe you’d be this hard-up for a role.

Or perhaps it was the deep, meaningful material that drew you to this film?

Like its two predecessors, The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence) isn’t grotesque or offensive like it desperately wishes it could be. Sure, it’s as gratuitously violent as a film can get, and I’m more than certain a good portion of viewers will Tom Six’s “art” utterly appalling, but the fact is this film is just boring. It’s not provocative. It’s not daring. It’s not controversial. It’s pretty much Six shouting at all the viewers, “Hey! Hey! Hey, over here! OVER HERE!!!! Look at me being edgy!!!!” Shock just for the sake of shock isn’t edgy, however, it’s boring. Six can spend the entire 100 minutes hurling all the racial slurs, rape scenes, castrations, colostomy bags and Crohn’s disease induced bloody diarrhea he wants at the viewer, but when it comes with as much context as a park creeper exposing himself to any random girl he comes in contact with, he doesn’t earn the right to be edgy or offensive. Nope, he’s just lazy.

Now if you excuse me, I have a doctor’s appointment to get the stitches around my lips and asshole removed.

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