ByJack Carr, writer at
You are the Princess Shireen of the House Baratheon, and you are my daughter.
Jack Carr

He's a super-spy with an alcohol problem, unresolved childhood trauma and an addiction to sex and fast cars.

But enough about Archer! We're here to talk about Bond. James Bond.

With less than three months to go until Sony and MGM release Spectre, the 24th film in the insanely popular Bond franchise, let's take a look at what the fourth 007 adventure with Daniel Craig in the driving seat needs to do with MI6's finest agent if Spectre is going to have a shot at becoming the greatest Bond film ever.

1. Put 007 on top of a mountain

One of the great joys of the Bond series, both on screen and on the page, is his frequent deployment to absurdly glamorous locales - and if there's one place James is in his element, it's at the top of a ski slope somewhere in the European Alps. Which, considering his parents met their demise whilst skiing, probably says a fair bit about Bond's psychology. Anyway, let's revisit what might be the most iconic Alpine sequence from a Bond film.

On Her Majesty's Secret Service is pure marmite - some (like me) love it to death, whilst others can't see past the casting of George Lazenby. But most are agreed that this ski sequence, in which James attempts to escape Blofeld's men (his cunning alias of Sir Hilary Bray from the London College of Arms having been blown after he cocked his weapon - cough - one time too many) is absolutely electric, laden with suspense and spectacular action. Even the special effects don't look that bad for the time.

Bond is simply at home on the slopes, which makes the knowledge that the crew of Spectre spent months shooting in Solden, Austria all the more thrilling. For the full Bond effect, twelve armed henchmen will need to give chase, and all will be taken out with every last one of Daniel Craig's blonde locks remaining in place.

2. Give him a quick-witted, non-British, beautiful and deceitful Bond girl to mock his "perfectly formed arse"

Bond has a long history of getting involved with beautiful, exotic, often troubled women with whom no regular man would stand a chance. It goes without saying that in the early days, these characters were not a win for feminism (it was the 60s!), and it's hard to imagine the writers getting away with Pussy Galore in 2015.

But as the series went on the Bond girls become more able to hold their own with MI6's most insatiable sex addict, none more so than Casino Royale's Vesper Lynd, who might just be the greatest Bond girl of all time.

"Having just met you, I wouldn't go as far as calling you a cold-hearted bastard", Vesper generously delares, before completing her character assassination of Bond and exiting the carriage.

In Spectre, Bond will go toe to toe with Dr. Madeleine Swann, as played by the French actress-slash-Goddess Lea Seydoux. It's a promising start, but there's a lot to live up to.

3. Have Bond do some serious damage in a car you or I will never be able to afford

There are so many classic Bond car chases it's impossible to single one out as the greatest, but this scene from Goldeneye has always been a favourite of mine, not least because the entire sequence is basically a heavy-handed metaphor for how much James would like to bang Xenia Onatopp (yes, they really called her that). But of course, he's happy to settle for a hands-on evaluation session with his psychiatric doctor instead. Standard.

In Spectre, Bond will be driving an Aston Martin DB10 - which, unlike previous Bond cars, was designed and built purely for this movie and will never be available for mere mortals to get their paws on. Screw you, Bond.

Q presents Bond with his new ride in Spectre
Q presents Bond with his new ride in Spectre

4. Shoehorn several eye-roll worthy one-liners into the script (aka the Roger Moore technique)

Because what's a Bond film without a terrible pun or five?

Outrageously, the filthiest pun of all is missing from this compilation. As if a movie in which Denise Richards plays a nuclear physicist named Dr. Christmas Jones wasn't enough, the writers couldn't resist slipping in a few one-liners during the obligatory "bad guy dead, Bond gets laid... again" final scene.

"Always wanted to have Christmas in Turkey."
"Isn't it time you unwrapped your present?"
"I thought Christmas only comes once a year!"

Genius. Awful, awful genius.

5. Send 007 into the lair of a megalomaniacal super-villain with an insane plan to destroy the world

You know full well this will happen, because it's happened in all 23 movies previously. There are some more specific requirements, however.

1. The supervillain must have a distinguishing feature.

Blofeld, for instance, is never without his cat in You Only Live Twice, which seems quite silly because he's probably getting fur all over his expensive Mao suit, and also he has fewer free hands to grab a gun and kill Bond. Although, clearly, he would rather engage the man who's come to murder him in conversation, which brings us neatly to our next point...

2. He must take his sweet time in torturing Bond, rather than just shooting him when he has the chance, because what's the value of a kill if it's quick and easy? Much better to give Bond the time to concoct an elaborate escape plan.

3. He must form his evil plans in a lair which is either underground, underwater, hidden inside a fake rock, accessible only by climbing a sheer cliff face, or in a space somehow reflective of the fact that he's insane.

Not too much is known about Spectre's big bad, Franz Oberhauser (Christoph Waltz), except that he's the head of the titular organisation and he absolutely, definitely, in no uncertain terms is not Ernst Stavro Blofeld. But if there isn't a scene in which he taunts Bond about how much he will enjoy murdering him whilst Bond identifies his route out of the lair, I'll eat my white cat.

So there you have it: everything James Bond needs to do in order to make Spectre the ultimate 007 movie. Will it be able to top Skyfall critically, and perhaps even take the biggest box office receipts in the franchise? We'll find out soon enough.

Spectre releases October 26 in the UK and November 6 in the US. Relive the trailer below if you're dying for more espionage-based insanity in your life.


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