Being in the performing arts, you tend to make a lot of friends, simply by virtue of constantly meeting so many people. Despite the fact that everyone wants to work in the same field, it actually attracts a wide variety of personality types, which means that I have had a very wide variety of friends. So when I tell you that some are more trouble than they’re worth, I mean it. This list isn’t just about who you're choosing to be your best friend — even acquaintances aren’t worth the headache if they're one of the following types ...
The One Who Just Wants To Keep Hanging Out
”C’mon man, it is four in the morning; I have to be at work in ... okay, twelve hours (I have strange work hours) but still, I'm exhausted, let me go to bed. Are you homeless? Is that why you always want to watch one more movie, or play one more game of whatever, or have one more beer? Do you not have anywhere to go? Well, this is not the way to find a place, so let me go to sleep.”
The One Who’s Competitive About Unimportant Things
”Sure, you know what, you’re right. You are funnier in therapy. I don’t even know why I’m arguing with you about this. Not only are you clearly the funnier therapy patient, I also clearly shouldn’t let your all-encompassing hyper competitiveness affect me like this. Because I’m just giving you want you want. Or maybe I’m not, I don’t know, what matters is that fighting about who’s better at unimportant things is exhausting and unnecessary.”
The One Who’s Impossibly Messy
”Hey man, I have to ask you, how is it possible that you dirty more dishes and leave more of a mess in my apartment than I do? It’s my apartment, and thus I spend way more time in it than you do, yet here you are, showing up like Pig-Pen, and leaving my apartment in a state of contamination one level below ‘Chernobyl’. Go home, take a shower, then come over so that we can play Battletoads on this NES I ‘found’ at my rich cousin’s house.”
The One Who Hits On Every Living Thing
”Do you know why no one of the opposite/same/whatever sex that we’re attracted to ever wants to spend time with us? Because you are never not trying to have sex with them. Did you know that that gets old, oh, I dunno, essentially immediately? Let them be people and relax around us, instead of constantly having to fear that you’re going to tell them that they ‘look tense’ as you swoop in for an unwanted shoulder rub.”
The One Who Likes Sports
”Hey friend, do you know what I also enjoy? Sports. But do you know what I remain interested in talking about once in a while? Things other than sports. So, maybe you could find some way to open your mind to the possibility of us talking about anything that does not involve a competitive scoring system. Also, I know it was you who punched that whole in my wall, because I watched you do it immediately after your team was eliminated from the playoffs.”
The One Who Dates The Worst People On Earth
”Hey, just wanted to give you a heads up that your significant other is in the other room, crying because no one is ‘caring about their emotional needs’. We, of course, know that means they’re upset that anyone else is taking the focus away for more than ten seconds, which also means that we have about five minutes before your partner’s crying segues into punching. I love the way you’re always dating characters from Silver Linings Playbook. It’s wonderful, and not at all ruining our collective mental health.”
The One Whose Car Is Always Breaking Down
”Oh, your car broke down, and now you can’t drive me to that very important thing that I no longer have time to call an Uber/Lyft for without being late? Perfect, I can’t believe I didn’t see this coming when your car consistently fails you and I both. Or, is it a case of you needing a ride to your mechanic, because that’s where your car has ended up for the sixth time this month? I have all the spare time in the universe, you see.” (WRITER’S NOTE: I am this type.)
What friend types have only given you problems? Let me know in the comments!