ByThaddeus Howze, writer at
Thaddeus Howze as the Answer-Man is a writer/editor on @KryptonRadio and at the @GoodMenProject. #QuoraTopWriter (2016 and 2017)
Thaddeus Howze

Somebody's gonna have hurt feelings...

The Hulk isn't Loki...

If somehow, Thor managed to get the Hulk to lie down and stay still long enough for him to place Mjolnir in the center of his chest and when the Hulk tried to move, finding himself quantum-locked and presumably held in place his reaction would depend on which version of the Hulk was there at the moment. Let's imagine:


Hulk smash puny Thunder God!
Hulk smash puny Thunder God!

The savage, but not too intelligent Hulk, would rant, calling Thor a puny god and would slam his fists against the ground until the shockwaves from his blows dislodged the hammer from his chest. How? By causing an earthquake which would cause the hammer to move in relationship to the Earth. The Hulk isn't touching it, he is causing the Earth to move, which CAN dislodge the hammer. No worthiness required and HULK SMASH puny god!


A version of the Hulk characterized by his uncharacteristic grey skin color, much smaller physique and the wearing of fashionable suits, with white shirts AND ties. Lacking the power of his green incarnation, he made up for it in sheer underhanded fighting technique. Even coupled with his much reduced strength, hitting you below the belt was Mr. Fixit's MO. Realizing he couldn't move the hammer, he would feign unconsciousness until Thor came to remove Mjolnir. The events would happen so quickly, even Thor would be surprised.

Everybody's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed Hulk...
Everybody's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed Hulk...

As Thor bent down to grab his hammer, Fixit would pin Thor's hand to the hammer on his chest.

A swift blow to the 'nads (we assume even Thunder Gods have reasonably sensitive gonads) strong enough to knock a semi to the top of a ten story building should get Thor's undivided attention as far as distractions go.

While Thor was recovering from his unfortunate low blow, Fixit would push back and maintaining his grip on both Thor's hand and Mjolnir he'd begin relentless pummeling Thor about his nose and eye region, assuming these two would be more vulnerable than the Thunder God's dense forehead or heroic jaw.

Thor would be dazed and confused. We've seen Thor confused when he has to take body blows. Normally, Mjolnir is the one sucking up the damage. Today, Thor's face would get a turn. And just so were clear, Fixit was fast enough to hit Spider-Man in a fight.

His attack would be brutal and Thor would be forced to fight twice as hard now that Fixit was aware of this new, previously unknown, possibility.

Mind you, Fixit is certain he isn't going to win. He's just in it for the pain he's causing Thor. He likes pain. Especially if its yours.

Yes, that's Wonder Man, the guy who hits like Thor's hammer. Joe Fixit isn't impressed.
Yes, that's Wonder Man, the guy who hits like Thor's hammer. Joe Fixit isn't impressed.


A temporary fusion of all of Bruce's disparate personalities created the scientist in the body of the Savage Hulk. All the strength, battle savvy and technologically brilliant individual known as The Professor.

The Professor and the Starjammers, jamming...
The Professor and the Starjammers, jamming...

The Professor would recognize the quantum-locking mechanism and would calmly discuss why this situation is the least likely one to help them resolve whatever problem brought them to blows in the first place. Thor, hard pressed to disagree with such a superior intellect would remove Mjolnir and apologize. The Professor has been the smoothest talking version of the Hulk ever. To bad it didn't last.

If Thor, wasn't subject to reason, the Professor would then just GET UP.

The Professor had a level of regeneration rarely displayed in other versions of the Hulk. He could regeneration 70% of his mass anew, in seconds. So he would brace himself and then let the hammer rip right through him, front to back.

He would pause, because, well it did hurt a lot and then he would regenerate the entire region of his body still pinned under the hammer. He would plant his foot on the hammer and grab the stunned Thor.

Then he would proceed to beat Thor about the head and shoulders until he was satisfied with the result.

Professor regenerates 90% of his flesh in seconds!
Professor regenerates 90% of his flesh in seconds!

In a confrontation with the U-foes, Vector attacked the Professor attempting to use his power to shear the flesh from the Hulk's bones. It worked really well, and against anyone else it would have been a winning move. The skeletal Hulk still won. And then he regenerated ALL OF HIS FLESH RIGHT BACK a few seconds later.


The most terrifying version of the Hulk ever seen, this version of the Hulk has lived off-world, battled for his life in a planetary arena until he won his freedom, released his people and then made a beeline for the Earth, to wreck revenge on the people who sent him away in the first place. He basically fights all of Earth's most powerful superheroes to a standstill by threatening to destroy them or the Earth, whichever came first.

Hulks in mirrors are closer than they appear.
Hulks in mirrors are closer than they appear.

This warrior incarnation of the Hulk had the power to emit planet breaking waves of force capable of destroying planets. Physically unstoppable, the only way he was going to be lying down, was if he wanted to bring Thor, closer to him.

The Green Scar Hulk would feign being unconscious as Thor approached him to place the hammer on his chest. As Thor was about to release the hammer, the Green Scar would grab the hammer and Thor's hand and while Thor is still holding it, beat the Thunder God into unconsciousness.

Green Scar Hulk would rant, scream and berate Thor for thinking he would fall for such an ineffective means of stopping him. He would go on to remark the only way to stop him would be to kill him.

He'd then make commentary about Thor's inferior warrior nature and then Green Scar Hulk would drop the hammer-battered body of Thor and his hammer on the ground before walking slowly away. Thor would be unavailable for comment.

Yes, that IS the Silver Surfer being beaten down by the Green Scar Hulk.
Yes, that IS the Silver Surfer being beaten down by the Green Scar Hulk.

This article was first published on Quora.


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