ByMike Mack, writer at
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Mike Mack

A bowling night, hosted by Leslie Knope’s City Council campaign, wen’t horribly wrong Sunday when a citizen was struck in the face after a disagreement with the politician. Knope’s campaign manager, Ben Wyatt, punched Pawnee local Derek [last name redacted] after he called Knope a derogatory term.

“The guy was being a total jerk,” Knope said. “What Ben did was warranted and extremely awesome.”

It should be noted that, on top of being her campaign manager, Wyatt is also Knope’s current boyfriend. After the incident, a clearly flustered Wyatt attempted to comment and explain his side of the story.

“So you know that’s everything that happened,” Wyatt said. “So it was just what happened. It was just like [laser sound] [laser sound] [laser sound] [laser sound] [laser sound] [laser sound] [laser sound] [laser sound].”

Police responded and the situation was diffused quickly. Derek was taken aback by how rapidly things got out of hand.

“The little guy just hit me,” said Derek [last name redacted]. “And the blond lady was being a [expletive].”

After being examined, Derek did not show any signs of a concussion or any other serious injuries. Wyatt, on the other hand, suffered major bruising around his knuckles. Another bowler forced his way into commenting on the situation.

“Ben and I both had an incredible night, and both of us will be leaving with hurt fingys,” said Tom Haverford, another member of the Knope campaign. “By the way, when you print my name call me... Tommy Fresh.”

In a press conference the following day, Knope announced that Wyatt will remain her campaign manager and refused to apologize for the incident.

“I do not condone violence but I have to be honest, it was awesome,” Knope said to reporters. “And my campaign manager and I made out a lot afterward.”

Knope poses for a photo op before the incident
Knope poses for a photo op before the incident

Knope went on to explain what might happen to voters who don't put a check next to her name come election day.

“I’m not going to apologize and if people won’t vote for me because of that then there’s nothing I can do about it,” Knope said. “But you should be warned, if you do not vote for me, my boyfriend might beat you up.”

Knope has actually seen a slight bump in the polls since the incident but still trails Bobby Newport by a small margin.


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