BySam Plank, writer at
"You have to be what you are. Whatever you are, you gotta be it." -Johnny Cash. Tweet a tweeter at my twitty twitter, @tw1tterintw1t
Sam Plank

I've read a few articles talking about all the actors who could play Blade if and when he comes back. D.B. Woodson, Boris Kodjoe, some guys named Will Smith and Wesley Snipes, whoever the heck they are. That's all fine and bloody dandy, but nobody seems to care about warning the celebrities who SHOULDN'T try out for the part. I'm here to do my public service, and do just that.

Without further ado, your top ten list of actors who probably shouldn't have any dreams of playing Blade.

*disclaimer: don't get too butthurt over's all in fun. If these super-rich dudes wanted to make fun of my goofy ass, I'd be all for it ;)

10. Tracy Morgan

Nope nope nope and nope

9. Chris Rock

Sorry Chris, but even this Mr. Serious pic of you, and all your butt-kicking on Shanghai whatever with Jackie Chan won't help you snag this role. No, Blade Reborn: Everybody Hates Vampires will not be the title, either.

8. D.J. Qualls

Sorry, D.J., but this:

doesn't quite qualify you to be in the running for this role. You'd be turned into a familiar seconds after the movie opened.

7. Forest Whitaker

Sure, he played a samurai ghost god or something, but his main weapon against the vampires would be when the stop attacking him and be all like, "dude...your eye? da fuq?" And he'd shoot them. Yep, not happening.

6. Eddie Murphy

Maybe he could pull it of, if Blade was a movie about a family of vampire hunters. Eddie could play Blade, Blade's wife, Blade's son and daughter, Blade's mom, dad, grampa and mother in law, and maybe even Blade's alter ego Glade, who was created in a lab experiment gone wrong. Oopsay...wrong movie!

5. Cuba Gooding, Jr.

Maybe, just maybe, after Boyz N The Hood, Men of Honor, and SHOW ME THE MONEY!!! But after Radio, well, Robert Downey, jr. puts it best, if you ever want to star as blade you never, ever, do this:

4. Beetlejuice

This funny little guy better fits Howard Stern's Wack Pack than a vampire Whacker Pack.

3. Jaleel White

"Excuse, has anyone got any garleeeeec?" Sorry, Urkel, it just doesn't work.

2. Luis Guzman

Yeah I know, he isn't black. But seriously, google "goofiest looking black actors" or "ugliest black actors ever" and you'll get list after list of funny looking white dudes! Finding a funny looking black fella who's a famous actor just isn't that easy. I guess that's a good thing, right?

1. Marlon Wayans

Sorry, but when you look like this for 14 movies named Scary Movie:

You automatically get disqualified. But, he does look like this when he cleans up...

So who knows, maybe...

Woops, sorry, never mind!

There you have it! Dudes that just can't play Blade. This was almost too much fun. I might just have to do this with Chicks that just wouldn't be able to play She-Hulk next...


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