ByBenjamin Marlatt, writer at

Having returned to Earth for the Second Coming, Jesus Christ (Phil Caracas) has found his bid to judge the world halted by an army of lesbian-killing vampires, led by Maxine Shreck (Murielle Varhelyi) and Johnny Golgotha (Ian Driscoll), that can walk in daylight. Equipped with the skills of mixed martial arts and carpentry, Jesus teams up with Mary Magnum (Maria Moulton) and Mexican wrestling hero Santos (Jeff Moffet) to destroy this army of darkness.

In case you didn’t get it the first time, it’s Jesus, a luchador, a biker chick Mary Magdalene vs. lesbian-killing vampires.

I think the filmmakers incidentally wrote a bar joke.

If that often-referenced egg shown in those Drug Free America commercials is your brain, then the subtly titled Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is your brain on drugs.

Any questions?

What do you do when there’s a city-wide “lesbian shortage” and the source of this epidemic must be vampires? You call on Jesus to help you, ’cause Satan is currently distancing himself as far away from this movie as he can after hearing rumors that the filmmakers behind this project must’ve sold their souls to him in order to get it completed. After accepting his new mission, Jesus is attacked by atheists – yes, atheists, ’cause… sure.

“Hello, Jesus. You don’t know us because we have never talked to you… We are the atheists.”

Good to know. Hopefully your ass-kicking skills are as awesome as your trash-talking.

Yes, I know, you thought this was about vampires. I did too, but whatever. I guess when they’re not picketing around nativity displays on Christmas, they’re driving around town in a small van looking to pick a fight with any Deity they can come across. Gotta give ’em credit for what looks to be a tremendously impossible ability to cram so many of them like sardines into the back of a tiny van. I mean, they’re practically stargating it in droves out of the back door. I was actually expecting some clowns and a couple illegal Mexicans to pop out eventually too.

Kudos on the circus trick, you anti-theists. Sure does compensate for your “Dopehead performing Tai Chi” fight moves.

Look, I hate to be that guy, but why would the atheists be looking to fight Jesus if they don’t believe he’s God?

Isn’t there like some cashier wishing you a “Merry Christmas” that you could be bitching at instead?

Needing help, ’cause obviously a man with the power of raising the dead needs help, and you never know if a bus full of church-burning, Norwegian black metal musicians is gonna roll up for their turn to kick ass and take names, Jesus teams up with Mary Magnum (Hahahahahahahah! See what they did there?!). When she isn’t collecting decorative salt-and-pepper shakers, Mary’s involved with a discreet branch of the church, and has done so for a while ’cause the Archdiocese doesn’t have a monopoly on faith.

“The position of women in the church hasn’t always been so horizontal.”

But Miss Magdalene’s has at one point, along with many, many, many other positions.

For the record, this may end up being the last review I post… In fact, it may be the last living thing I do.

Remembering that its title villains are – oh yeah, vampires, the film brings us back to them to reveal their true intentions. They’re harvesting the flesh of lesbians which will be grafted onto the vampires to protect them from the sun. Why make any sense of it at this point? I tried and nearly suffered an aneurysm. It’s best to just go with it.

“Why lesbians?”

“They’re deviants. No one will miss them.”

“There’s nothing deviant about love.”


You all just now see that bright flash of light? That was the “More You Know” star going supernova.

Hey, you gotta give director Lee Gordon Demarbre and writer Ian Driscoll props for going all out; they throw in everything but the kitchen sink, and then toss in the kitchen sink, plus the fridge, stove, bathtub and the washer and dryer, all coming together in one chaotic swirl of “What the fuck am I watching?”

Anyway, what better way to finish things off here than with a fitting touch of Divine criticism? Cue the Gregorian chants!

The Seven Deadly Sins of Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter:

1) Luxuria (Lust): Gloria Oddbottom has a beanbag-sized ass that’s just begging all the characters to squeeze and get all grab hands with… which they do… Oh, dude! I totally get the name now!!!!

2) Gula (Gluttony): Jesus speaks to God the Father through a bowl of ice cream. How does that make any sense in regard to gluttony? Well, it makes no more and no less sense than Jesus talking to his sundae-shaped father and Glade air freshener possessing mother Mary.

3) Avaritia (Greed): Our titular Messianic nosferatu slayer tries to cheap out at a thrift shop… Yes, he’s actually haggling over fifty cents at a poor man’s Goodwill.

4) Acedia (Laziness): The Kingdom of God is now apparently a sandcastle. I hope that’s just some kind of floor plan, ’cause I’m banking on eternal security and everlasting peace and rest, not constant fear of high tides and dickhead children.

5) Ira (Wrath): Such as the punishing assault my ears took from the drunk sound designer. The horrible audio-syncing alone is enough to induce sickness 10x quicker and twice as nasty than a 50-gallon tank of ipecac.

6) Invidia (Envy): Lesbians… everybody wants one.

7) Superbia (Pride): Those involved had to have lost all of theirs upon finally witnessing this unholy celluloid abomination.

It speaks to how bad a film like Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is when the souls of all those involved will be damned to hell more for the shoddy production values and half-baked, possibly LSD-influenced, humor than for blaspheming the Almighty judge, jury and executioner. Believe it or not, sacrilege is the absolute very least of this film’s problems, landing right behind whoever the stunt coordinator was. I guess if anything, you can’t fault this film for a lack of balls.

Lack of brain cells? Most definitely.

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