ByKristin Lai, writer at
MP Staff Writer, cinephile and resident Slytherclaw // UCLA Alumna // Follow me on Twitter: kristin_lai
Kristin Lai

It's really no Chamber of Secrets that Harry Potter is chock full of hidden jokes and innuendos for the dirty minded. Whether or not they were intended by J.K. Rowling (let's be honest, probably not), they're still pretty fun to find for those looking for them.

Personally, I was too wrapped up in the magic of each book the first time around to take in any of the jokes. But after the first reading, there was no stopping my adolscent mind from running rampant with dirty jokes. One of the most prominent jokes comes from switching the word "wand" with...well, any term for the male genitalia.

Recently, a Reddit thread started by Somobro asked the following question:

Subtle masturbation joke in GoF or am I just too dirty minded?
During the wand weighing ceremony in GoF Ollivander asks Cedric if he's been treating his wand to keep it in good condition. Cedric's response in the book is:
"Just polished it last night" he said with a grin.
Not sure if Cedric was being a smartass wanker (literally) or I'm just a filthy person. Thoughts?

Instead of answering the question, the bulk of Somobro's thread took an expectedly hilarious turn and ended up being a long list of lines from the book in which "wand" acts as a double entendre for those who choose to see it that way.

You might be thinking "Wait, is it 2004? Have I secretly been in a coma and these jokes are still fresh?" because this is far from news, but it still proves to be pretty funny all these years later! Simply replace the word "wand" with "willy," "wang," or simply "penis," and have a ball (pun totally intended).

Harry’s wand was vibrating as though an electric charge was surging through it; his hand seized up around it; he couldn't have released if he’d wanted to. Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wand. Then he whirled his wand at the Dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.
“Are you OK?” said Harry urgently. “My wand,” said Ron. “Look at my wand.” It had snapped, almost in two; the tip was dangling limply, held on only by a few splinters.
“Now Harry” said Lockhart, “When Draco points his wand at you, you do this …” He raised his own wand, attempted a complicated sort of wiggling action and dropped it. Snape smirked as Lockhart quickly picked it up saying, “Whoops - my wand is a little over-excited!”
“It’s the way your moving your willy” said Hermione watching Ron, “you don’t want to wave it - it’s more of a sharp jab.”
"Get - off - me!" Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncle’s sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wand.
"Wands are only as powerful as the wizards who use them. Some wizards just like to boast that theirs are bigger and better than other people's." -Hermione

Sure, this little innuendo game isn't a new trick by any means, and it's pretty immature, but it never hurts to have a good laugh with some of our favorite literary characters!

(Source: Reddit, Russell Howard & Jon Richardson)


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