ByKit Simpson Browne, writer at
Writer-at-large. Bad jokes aplenty. Can be gently prodded on Twitter at @kitsb1
Kit Simpson Browne

(Warning - the following contains multiple instances of Superman doing insane, physics-defying things. Which, as it turns out, is pretty much just an average Saturday for him...)

Now, over the years, Superman has saved the world (and the entire universe) far more times than anyone could ever count - as well as, on occasion, been a complete and utter bastard. Both of those, though, have been pretty well documented - unlike another equally important part of the Man of Steel's comic book heritage.

Y'see, as well as being Earth's greatest defender, and (on occasion) a criminal-murdering pain in the butt, there have also been a whole lot of times where:

Superman Has Completely and Utterly Defied the Laws of Physics

Here are five of my personal favorites (as first highlighted by the good folks over at The Rec Room):

First up?

5. He Sneezed Away an Entire Solar System

Now, in fairness, this had a lot to do with Mr. Mxyzptlk's magical sneezing powder (wasn't that the one that was popular on Wall Street in the '80s?), but even so...if this is what Superman can do to an entire solar system when he sneezes, what's going to happen to the Earth when it turns out he's allergic to Jimmy Olsen's new cat?

Also, on a slightly unrelated note, is anyone else hoping that Supes put himself into quarantine after hanging around somewhere where all life was killed by a 'space plague'? I mean, I don't know exactly how those things work, but I feel like maybe he should at least wash his hands before heading back to Earth...

4. He Towed a Whole Bunch of Planets with an Inexplicably Small Chain

Now, I'm all for Superman saving lives by moving planets away from a dying sun, but there are a couple of key questions that his doing it does raise.

1. How are those countless billions of lives not currently being snuffed out by the horrifying changes that being removed from their natural gravitational positions would be causing on their planets?

2. How has Superman managed to avoid bumping the planets into one another like shopping carts, causing catastrophic, world-ending impacts?

And, most importantly:

3. How is he dragging multiple planets with a chain less than a foot thick? What is that thing made of? And, even more importantly, why is he not bringing it back with him to Earth to magically transform the construction industry forever?

3. He Bench-Pressed the Entire Earth

The most impressive part of which being less that he was able to bench-press 5.972 sextillion tons (that's 5,972,000,000,000,000,000,000, if anyone's wondering) for five days straight, but that he was able to do it without access to the sun...

In fact, that actually kind of makes every time he's ever failed to lift something easily look a little like he was faking weakness in order to develop dramatic tension... Dick move, Clark...

2. He Held a Black Hole in His Hand

Now, what with a black hole essentially being matter so compact that nothing can escape its gravitational pull (well, sort of), there are several major issues with Superman just grabbing one (even a miniature one), and holding it in his hands.

The biggest one?

Black holes aren't moths, and you can't keep them trapped by just grabbing them and keeping your hands tightly clasped. Not even if you're Superman.

And, finally, what else but...

1. He Literally Turned Back Time

Sadly, no matter how fast you spin around the Earth, it isn't going to turn back time. Because THAT ISN'T HOW TIME WORKS.

See, Clark, this is why you should have been paying attention in class, rather than...wait...going back in time and ogling naked Egyptian girls?

Damnit amount of eagle-bothering is going to make up for the fact that you just broke science.

What do you reckon, though?

via The Rec Room


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