ByMichelle Siouty, writer at

For most stoners, the most difficult decision they're faced with is just how, exactly, they're going to smoke their weed. From bongs, to vapes, to simply rolling up a blunt, the possibilities are endless, and sometimes more choices just makes life all the more challenging.

Did I really forget to mention edibles? This really is too overwhelming.

Speaking of food, there's also the problem in which the stoner isn't fully equipped with the proper snacks for when the munchies hit you like a bag of bricks (which is why stocking up on chocolate chip cookies, sea salt and vinegar chips, hummus, mac and cheese, and most importantly, chocolate milk is more than recommended: it's essential).

Then you have your rare stoner, one who is actually a secretly trained government agent and doesn't even know he or she possesses the skills and the knowledge to kill two bad guys with a spoon.

In American Ultra, Jesse Eisenberg's character Mike is the ultimate pothead: he works at a convenience store, he's dating a really chill chick name Phoebe (Kristen Stewart), and wake and bake is not only a motto; its a way of life.

When CIA intel Victoria (Connie Britton) approaches Mike, something snaps in him. He suddenly becomes a stone cold killer.

The amount of bong hits, deaths, and F* bombs in American Ultra is mind-blowing, but probably not as mind-blowing as that monster bong hit you just took. Maybe we took it a little far (or snapped one too many bowls before watching), but to prove the point, we counted up some of the craziness of Ultra for your reading pleasure. See for yourself!

Mike's Total Kills/Deaths in American Ultra: 17

Wow. A whopping 17 deaths at the hands of Mike (Jesse Eisenberg). Who said stoners were just calm and peaceful hippies?

The CIA/Government's Total Kills/Deaths in American Ultra: 1

Just 1, and we won't spoil it for you here!

Victoria's Total Kills/Deaths in American Ultra: 1

Yep, Connie Britton gets her hands dirty in this one too.

Mike's Total F* Bombs in American Ultra: 9

I might have expected more from a stoned out dude who just learned he's got a secret hardwire for killing. To be fair, those F* bombs are almost as deadly coming from this secret agent as a real bomb.

Phoebe's Total F* Bombs in American Ultra: 16

Now that's more like it. Nicely done, Kristen. She sounds like me on a good day.

Victoria's Total F* Bombs: 7

Don't recall Ms. Britton dropping any of those as matriarch in Friday Night Lights. Way to step it up, Victoria!

Adrian's (Topher Grace) Total F* Bombs in American Ultra: 19

Topher Grace nails douchey villain here, and he's got the F* bomb count to prove it. Sounds like he needs to mellow out and take a rip, no? The good stuff, too.

Others' Total F* Bombs in American Ultra: 19

Right in line with ol' Topher. By the way, that 19 count includes one written F* bomb. Yep - that counts!

This equates to a total of 70 F* Bombs throughout the entire film!

Total Bong/Weed Hits by Mike in American Ultra: 4

Last time I took that many hits, I almost forgot how to breathe. Well done Mr. Eisenberg.

Total Bong/Weed Hits by Phoebe in American Ultra: 1

I'm not too impressed, KStew. But just imagine how many she did off camera?

Some Everyday Items Mike Uses as Weapons

1. Spoon

Seemingly innocent, but incredibly lethal if used correctly. It's the perfect weapon.

2. Cup of Noodles

I'm never going to be able to look at a Cup of Noodles the same again.

3. Frying Pan

Mike knows exactly how to use a frying pan to his advantage. I'm not not only talking cooking here, people.

4. Light Bulbs

Dude! Ouch! Just, ouch. My imagination is running wild with this one.

5. Canned Food

It's heavy, its metal, and it's got some sharp edges when opened up. Take notes, my friends.

6. Frozen Hamburger Patties

Solid, like a bag of bricks.

All these numbers have you so stoked, I bet you already have your bowl packed in preparation for this Friday. American Ultra hits theaters tomorrow, and the ganja, kills, and F* bombs are waiting for you!

It might be a good idea to bring some snacks with you in case your stomach starts rumbling and popcorn doesn't cut it. Or maybe in case you need your food to double as a weapon.

Who knows? Maybe we're all hidden secret agents deep down, just waiting to snap into combat with the right passcode. *takes hit and passes*


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