ByF. Flobo Boyce, writer at
Both a citizen of both the last analog generation and the first digital one. Follow @ffloboboyce
F. Flobo Boyce

Space. The Final Frontier. Well, I'm sure having a whole universe to explore may excite some of you galactic adventurers, but if one thing is for sure, it's that space is absolutely SCARY.

In upcoming release The Martian from legendary director Ridley Scott, in theaters October 2nd, Matt Damon plays astronaut Mark Watney who is presumed dead and accidentally abandoned on Mars by his crew. His only hope is to sit tight, cross his fingers and hope his companions come to rescue him - oh, and to science the shit out of growing enough food on a dead planet to help him survive the years it will take them to get there. At least that will keep him busy during the wait.

Can you imagine being left out there all alone? No friends, no family, no NETFLIX!?!? Now that's a really scary thought!

And judging by the trailer...

...perhaps there are dangers out there that I don't even want to know about!

Here are just some of the reasons why space travel is absolutely terrifying. Oh, and for the record: SPOILERS!

1.) Chest Bursters (Alien)

So, there he was just minding his own business when BAM, an alien just crashes the party like some sophomore undergrad. This alone is reason enough to stay on Terra, but we're just getting started...

2.) Explosions (Star Wars)

Death Star, we hardly knew ye. I'm sure there had to be some poor sap who just wanted to refuel his space-bucket. He lands his spacecraft unknowingly and then KAAA-BOOM! Thank you, Luke! It makes you wonder...

3.) In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream (Gravity)

The universe is the very definition of intergalactic sprawl. It's incredibly spread out and it goes on seemingly forever - what with that always expanding thing it does and all. If something were to happen to you out there and you needed assistance, chances are that you're pretty much on your own. Plus, since space is a vacuum, sound doesn't even travel. There's no air in space but...

4.) Clouds, Man. Clouds. (Green Lantern, Fantastic Four: Rise of Silver Surfer)


No. Thank. You.

5.) Time Is a Flat Circle...or Something (Interstellar)

So, you're saying that time is so flexible, that a planet's gravitational pull can make years seem like minutes? Who wants to grow old on a whim? I sure as hell don't. I'm going to sit right here in this comfortable amount of gravity and only age, I don't know, like once a year or something like that.

6.) Where's My GPS? (Lost in Space)

Whoops! You were just out for atmospheric escapades and now you're lost. What do you do? You can't just "backtrack," and you can forget coordinates (they're all relative, really). Now what? Speaking of...

7.) Everything Breaks Down (Suburban Commando)

Spaceships break down all of the time, if movies have shown us anything. They may look pretty and impressive on the outside, but they are pretty much the equivalent of sailing the seven seas on a plank of driftwood. You're just asking for it. The Hulkster himself was stranded on Earth for six weeks after his spaceship kicked the bucket.

8.) What Are You Wearing? (Galaxy Quest)

When the best and brightest go to space, they never seem to invite a fashion designer. If I have to wear that, then I might as well just stay home.

9.) Speeding Is a Bad Idea (Star Trek: Voyager)

Traveling at the speed of light sounds like a good idea, but it does have its consequences. Remember that time on Star Trek: Voyager when we all learned going at Warp 10 speeds can turn you into... a... salamander?

10.) The Earthling Has to Go to War (John Carter)

Man, can't a guy just hang with the princess of Mars without having to fight for an entire planet for once? SHEESH! I mean, I've heard of all-inclusive resorts, but there's just somethings that I don't want bundled into my vacation package.

The Martian opens in theaters October 2nd.


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