I didn’t understand why I still loved Loki. Loki essentially left me to answer for his crimes. I was the closest to him, and I had to go through hours of questioning to find out why he did what he did. I was supposed to be mad at him for killing so many people. For trying to conquer the realm I grew up in, the realm I partially belonged in. Some people thought I should hate him for dragging me through all this.
But I couldn’t. More than ever I wanted answers from Loki, but that didn’t cloud my love for him. And that was putting me in a bad position, caught between wanting to talk to Loki and work things out and being too afraid to even see him again. Because seeing him again would mean I would find hope somewhere. Hope that he did have answers, reasonable answers. Hope that we could somehow be together.
“He left you to clean his mess.” Fandral told me, as I sat with my friends by the fire in our secret room. A couple of weeks have passed since Loki has been sentenced. My friends had returned from Vanaheim, leaving Hogun there to help his people rebuild and prosper.
They knew I would need comfort, and brought me out to socialize with them. I was feeling blue and had been keeping to myself in my room for far too long to their liking. “I know.” I said, looking into my wine cup. “He looks so different.” I didn’t mean to say that out loud. Luckily no one noticed, or chose to ignore it.
Sif was polishing her weapon. “You will never have to worry about any of this again. You can put all of this behind you.” She looked up the give me an encouraging smile. They all wanted the best for me, I knew that. And to them it meant letting go of Loki. It meant starting my life again with him tucked out of sight.
I knew they hoped I would find someone else, or continue putting my heart and soul into training like I’ve been doing all this time. They acted like finding a person to replace Loki or just getting a hobby would fix everything, and I’d come out like I was before: happy.
That didn’t seem to be happening. It obviously wouldn’t happen with my soul bound to Loki’s. I felt a stony wall the last time I reached for him. I haven’t felt him reach out to me. I felt trapped like this, always yearning for his presence, to feel the connection we did before. I wanted to feel the electricity when we kissed, feel him hold me once more. Those things would never happen. Loki has moved on.
I sighed, needing to be honest with my friends. I couldn’t just smile back at Sif and agree. This was too personal, and they were my friends. They needed to know what they were dealing with. “I don’t think it’s so simple.” I confessed. As soon as I said those words, everyone stopped what they were doing to stare at me in utter disbelief. Volstag even stopped eating.
Fandral just shook his head, taking a gulp of mead. At least he had the grace to leave me be. He understood love and women far better than I had first assumed. Sif, on the other hand, didn’t. “You can’t still be in love with him?!”
“After he betrayed us all? Betrayed you?” Vosltag made a conscious effort to be patient.
“Loki left you to answer for his deeds!” Sif didn’t get the hint and was harsh with her words. “He leaves you for years, leaves you waiting for him, thinking he was dead! Then he returns with even more crimes than before! He is in the dungeons for life, do you think you have a future with him? He’s-”
“I know Sif.” I drank my wine. I was starting to take my friend’s opinions too personally. I wasn’t stupid. I already knew the things she was telling me. “Loki has personally ensured we will never be together. I know what he’s done. Loki has caused havoc on both of my homes, he’s killed many innocent people. He has no love or care for anyone, or at least it seems that’s the man he has become. But I love him. I can’t help it.” After a few more comments they got off my case.
I wished Loki hadn’t done all those things. I had only seen Loki kill once, to protect me. And though it wasn’t my place to say if it was right or wrong, I thought it was just for Garrick and his minions to die. But to kill people because they stood in his way? Because they refused to let him rule Midgard? That wasn’t right. Those people were innocent.
What made it even worse was that I had a few friends on Midgard, and my mother still lived there. What if something had happened to her? What if Loki had unintentionally killed her? With the Bifrost only recently repaired, there would have been no way for me to know, or to go to her funeral.
Sif was right; it was adding insult to injury when I found out he was coming home with more blood and ruin on his hands than before.
I wished I could just let go of him, like he let go of everything two years ago. Like he let go of me.
I was sitting on the floor, my back against the wall, watching the prisoners across from me. I had been watching them for days, trying to find ways to while away eternity in this box by myself. How soon will I go completely and truly mad?
“Lonesome?” I looked up to see Frigga sitting in the armchair. I didn’t even bother to answer. The voice in my head was telling me not to trust her. She was probably here to tell Odin how I was suffering. That would definitely please him. Frigga just sat and watched me, making me uncomfortable. I knew I looked pathetic at the moment.
Why should I continue to mourn and hope for Noelle to visit me? She wasn’t pining after me. Noelle walked away. I reminded myself. She was smart and walked away. I couldn’t feel her reaching for me. Instead I found her blocking me out. She didn’t care at all for what I felt, or if I died here in this retched place. I was a bad dream to her. I wished Frigga had brought me useful things, such as a way to separate souls. I felt my own need for her, and as the days passed, knowing she was so close only increased my need for her. Stop. You don’t need her. She’s a bitter woman, and you should never have let another woman deceive you.
Eventually I felt my heart fill with enough bitterness to regain my dignity and become detached again. I felt my face go blank, and willed my eyes to show nothing but contempt. I picked myself up off the floor and began to walk around my tiny world.
A few minutes into my pacing, a new hoard of prisoners were being escorted in to the cavernous prisons. “Odin continues to bring me new friends.” I remarked. It seemed like half the realm was being arrested, when I thought back to all the arrests I had seen these last few weeks. “How thoughtful.” Sarcasm. It was becoming my favorite way to annoy people now, and to entertain myself.
“The books I sent, do they not interest you?” Frigga didn’t even seem to register my comment.
“Is that how I am to while away eternity? Reading?” I would need thousands, millions more books if I were to read during my entire prison time. And what was the point? Being forced to read had no purpose. And anyways, books became old in my mind shortly. Nothing could keep me entertained forever. I was doomed to boredom.
“I’ve done everything in my power to make you comfortable Loki.” She was talking to me like a child. It only annoyed me further. It isn’t my fault I’m in here bored.
“Have you?” I challenged her. “Does Odin share your concerns? Does Thor?” She gave me a stern look, and my blood boiled thinking of them drinking and laughing. Laughing at me, and my predicament. They never cared for me anyways. Why should I care for them? They could laugh, for now. Eventually I will find a way out of this cage. “It must be so inconvenient them asking after me day and night.”
“You know full well it was your actions that brought you here.” So she was taking Odin’s side. Some mother she was.
“My actions.” I said, almost exasperated. “I was merely giving truth to the lie that I’d been fed my whole life: That I was born to be a king.”
“A king?” She looked at me like I was being unreasonable. “A true king admits his faults.” Like Odin would ever admit his faults. “What of the lives you took on Earth?”
“A mere handful compared to the number that Odin had taken himself.” Odin was more a criminal than me.
“HE’S NOT MY FATHER!” No words could describe how much I hated having that thrown in my face. He wasn’t my father, I wasn’t his son. Why keep up the pretense? He was simply the man I hated. Nothing more. I didn’t want to be his son anyways. He threw the man he once called son in prison for life, he banished his true son once before! What kind of father was that?
No, I wouldn’t play the game anymore. He wasn’t my father, he never was, he never will be. End. Of. Argument.
Frigga was speechless for a few seconds, before gaining her wit again. “Then am I not your mother?” I opened and closed my mouth, trying to regain my composure. As much as I didn’t trust Frigga, and as much as I hated Odin and Thor, something in me told me I didn’t hate Frigga. A small voice told me I loved her, and she was my mother, the only one I had ever known.
But a louder voice quickly squashed those thoughts down. I felt my face become emotionless again. “You’re not.”
She shook her head slightly, before smiling. “Hm. Always so perceptive about everyone but yourself.” Disappointment was clear in her tone. She had her arms in front of her, asking me to dispel the image. She was done talking to me. I lightly brushed her hands with my own, feeling them fall through air. Tears brimmed in her eyes.
I mashed my lips together, feeling guilty for hurting her feelings. The same voice telling me not to trust Frigga tried to kill those emotions as well, but failed. I couldn’t hide the sadness and guilt I felt for making the woman who raised me cry.
But it didn’t matter. She would probably stop visiting me, which was best. I needed to be rid of that family, for my own sake. I needed to be rid of everyone in his retched place. Including the woman I still loved and wanted.
And I hated that I felt that way about her still.