Loki’s head P.O.V
‘Do it.’ The voice commanded him. Loki watched as the girl-no, woman, she was a woman now- stared straight at him, her dark blue eyes slightly teary. ‘Do it now.’
He never thought it would come to this. The voice in his head had never steered him wrong. It had given him power, it had given him an army. It had promised him a throne. And he had gone along with it. He listened to it. It had proved to be trustworthy before.
But now…he wasn’t so sure. I don’t want to. He looked at Noelle, who told him to do it. Encouraged him to do it. He would finally be rid of what held him back from doing worse than he already had. ‘No more distractions.’ He could take over Asgard and not worry about fighting her. ‘No more pain.’ He would no longer feel the sickening sting of his broken heart, which yearned for her, and only her. ‘No more weakness.’ He would never feel weak in the knees for anyone again. And all it took was continuous pressure.
He watched her, speaking to him, and not really registering what she said. He was becoming distracted, and felt something stirring within him. It was rebellion. He felt a part of him fighting back, telling him to stop.
‘Do it.’ One side argued
Don’t. The other.
‘Do it NOW.’
Let her GO.
He looked down again at the beautiful woman he was going to kill. What do I do? What do I want to do? Did he even want this?
He watched her tears spill over. He watched the determination in her eyes. She was going to let him do it. She wasn’t going to fight him. And he didn’t want to do this. He could feel his will to do it seeping from him, before rising up again. ‘You will do it.’
I don’t want to.
‘Do it now. Don’t be so weak.’
He felt himself fighting against himself, his fingers closing around her neck. I don’t want to do this. I won’t do this. I can’t do this. He couldn’t kill her. Not her. Anyone else, but not her.
So he let go. As he removed his hands from her neck, he felt a stabbing pain in his head. Burning him up, he bit back a scream.
And then he felt free.
I watched as Noelle fell to the ground, coughing and sputtering. She had her hand to her throat, her eyes closed. I could see the bruises already forming, four long, slender digits on the right side of her throat and one on the left.
I felt myself slump against the wall and let it support my weight. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, my head aching and my thoughts like mush. It was like I was under a sedative. My limbs felt heavy and clumsy. How could I have done this? I was a monster, a true monster. The one that hurt the ones they loved. I had never once wanted to hurt her. How could I have let myself become this?
I kept listening to her breathing, and when it was no longer erratic, and glanced up. Noelle was looking at me, her eyes wide. Fear was in them. Fear of me.
“You stopped.” Was all she said. Her voice was a little rough, gravelly.
“I did.” The silence became heavy. But what could I say? I had nearly killed her. Why? Why did I let it get that far? How?
“Because I didn’t want to kill you.” I had thought the answer simple.
“No, I get that. Why did you try to kill me in the first place? What the hell happened? What did I do?” She was angry now.
“I-I don’t think you did anything.” I said lamely. I put my face in my hands.
“Then what happened?” I couldn’t remove my hands from my face, couldn’t look her in the eye.
“Something…someone…told me to do it.” All this time, something told me to do something. It just became habit to listen. To act, not think.
I looked up from my hands and saw her glaring daggers at me. If looks could kill… “Really? That’s all you have to say? Someone made you do it? Who?” How could I answer this?
“You don’t…I don’t even know. But it’s been telling me what to do. I’ve been following its advice, its directions.” I blinked a few times, relishing in seeing Noelle and not feeling anger and bitterness when I looked at her. It almost felt as if my vision had been clouded this whole time. Like I’d been blindfolded.
She shook her head. “So how come two seconds ago you were so indifferent with me and now you feel remorse?”
I thought about it. I didn’t know how to explain all of this to her. I didn’t understand it myself. For the first time in my life, my mind felt clear. Unclouded. It felt like all this time, I had been in a dream and have finally woken up.
My head began to ache, dull and annoying. “I don’t know, darling.” I stood, shaky. “All I know is that for the moment, I have never been so glad to see you in my life.” I reached for her, physically and mentally, hoping she would forgive me. “And that I’ve missed you dearly.”
I blinked, before slowly moving closer to Loki. I stopped a few feet before him, staring up at his apologetic face. After noticing he looked calmer, more relaxed and more approachable, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders.
I felt tears sting my eyes when Loki lifted me in the air, his arms tight around me. I felt hope surge within me. If Loki had done all this under someone else’s control… if I could prove it… “Are you being serious? Someone’s been telling you to do this? You aren’t playing a trick on me?”
I forced my way into his mind, looking for deception. Finding none, I felt myself relax. Letting myself lean into Loki more, I felt tear sting my eyes. My emotions were whirling, my brain was confused. But being in Loki’s arms again, it made it all feel okay. I had been alone so long, not letting anyone in, Thor being the exception. I was tired of dealing with this heavy burden on my own.
“What is it?” Loki whispered, kissing the top of my head.
“I’m-I’m just so glad you’re safe.” I choked out. “I’ve missed you so much!” I tried not to bawl my eyes out. Get it together, it’s not like he came back from the dead. I felt his arms wrap impossibly tighter around me.
“I’ve missed you too.”
Loki was upset when I left, but I figured after a few hours people would notice my absence. I had already been acting strange enough already.
At least now Loki and I were on the same page…or almost. Our connection was now open, and I felt his presence with me again, which reassured me. When Loki wasn’t himself, the connection was closed. I still couldn’t figure out why we were blocked form each other when he “went under”, as I was putting it.
This Jekyll and Hyde thing going on with Loki was bothering me. He was never like this…I mean the last few weeks before the whole him disappearing thing, he wasn’t himself, but this… it was like a movie.
Your boyfriend comes home, with a split personality…that would make a great story line… I willed myself to be serious. I felt so giddy after being with the real Loki again and it was showing. I was grinning like an idiot, and people were going to suspect something if I didn’t pretend to be tired and stressed again.
As much as it pleased me that Loki was home and hadn’t changed like I thought he had, things still weren’t the same. They might not ever be the same. But if I could manage to keep Loki sane and more Jekyll-ey, maybe I could even find a way to convince Odin that there was something more to this story.
I walked into the great hall for dinner feeling lighter than I have for months, and actually having an appetite. I sat myself down at an empty table and began filling my plate with food from the platters on the table. I wondered what Loki ate in the cells. Frigga’s influence had gotten him comforts of home. Could it get him good food too? Probably. If that man wants something, he sure does get it. At least, if his mother wants him to have it.
I wasn’t alone long. I felt weight plop down on the bench and I turned to see Fandral had dropped down next to me, in deep conversation with Thor.
“And then the creature growled at us, before being transported away again. Hopefully to its own realm.” Grumbled Fandral, who then noticed I had food and began to pick carrots off my plate.
“Hopefully. The Peace was difficult enough. We don’t need some bilgesnipe running around making a mess of the nine realms.” Thor grabbed an ale from a passing servant.
“What are you talking about?” What was a bilgesnipe? Who even names things nowadays?
“A bilgesnipe appeared in the training yard today, before disappearing a few moments later. It’s the convergence. Things like this could happen for a while.” Thor answered me.
“And what in the nine realms in a bilgesnipe?” It sounded like an illness.
“You know, huge, scaly, big antlers? You’ve never seen one before?” Thor was gesturing with his hands while he described this stupidly named creature to me.
“No. And will you stop!” Fandral had eaten nearly all of my carrots, and was starting on my potatoes. “Get your own!”
“And I thought all Midgardians shared.” He scoffed, before grabbing a plate himself.
“I am not just Midgardian. I haven’t been there since…a long time.” I stopped cutting my chicken to try and remember the last time I had been to Midgard. At least two and a half years. My mother probably thought I had forgotten about her. To add insult to injury, I kinda had.
“So now that the Bifrost is repaired, will you go back to Midgard? See your friends?” Thor inquired. He was always worried about my well-being, especially since the Bifrost had closed, cutting me off from my other home.
“All my friends are here.” I chewed my food, wanting to stop discussing the matter. It was making me feel worse about my mom every second I thought about it.
“And your mother? Will you see her soon?”
“Probably…I mean, when I have the time…” And when I’m confident Loki won’t go all Hyde on me and try to escape. I didn’t trust his new split personality problem, and I had a feeling that whoever was controlling him was going to plan something soon.
“Speaking of time, and doing it; have any of you noticed Loki’s mood change?” Fandral said it so casually, but I literally almost choked on my food. I grabbed a water off a servant’s tray and gulped it. Thankfully, neither of the boys noticed.
“How would we notice? We haven’t seen him.” I said quickly.
“Perhaps you haven’t, for which I don’t blame you, but I went to check the reports today, and I passed his cell. Speaking of which, your mother is a generous woman, giving him all those comforts…” Fandral lost his train of thought before continuing. “He seemed…cheerful. He had this little grin on his face.”
“I wonder what has him so happy?” Thor wondered aloud.
“Who knows?” I got up, pushing my plate back. “I’m going for a walk. Good evening.” I left before they could say anything. This conversation was getting too close to my secret. If Odin ever found out about this…I didn’t even want to think on what he’d do.
As I reached the outside of the palace, something was different. Something felt different. I looked at my hands, around me, checking for anything that could have changed. And then it dawned on me.
I reached for Loki, hoping to find his presence, his comfort. Instead I found a cold wall, blocking me from him.
Loki had gone Hyde. I sighed, wondering why I had hoped he would be okay.
I looked on as the guards passed by, doing a role call for all prisoners before having the night patrol come in. A young guard passed my cell, staring at me.
“What are you looking at?” I sneered at him, making him hurry along his way. I laughed. What fun.
She can’t change me. This is who I am now. No amount of coddling can change me. Part of me protested. This wasn’t who I was. But that part was losing, as always. I thought back to how hopeful she was, and tried to hide the feelings I had felt having her so close to me.
Before I could make another sharp remark to the guard across the hall, I felt a sharp pain in my head again. Staggering to my bed, I closed my eyes.
My mind was wrestling itself again, two voices fighting for control. The pain in my head increased, until everything went black.