No one ever truly experiences emptiness, or loneliness. Often we forget that. And that’s what people told me, over and over.
But those people didn’t understand the situation I was in.
When Loki died, he had half of my soul tied to half of his. And souls can’t live without a container to keep them. So when he breathed his last breath, both of those halves died with him. And that left me with what? Half of my own soul, still much alive in me, and half of Loki’s still alive as well.
And though that can be a consolation, knowing that Loki didn’t truly leave me in that sense, I didn’t take it that way.
Loki was gone again, but this time he wasn’t coming back. He wasn’t wandering the universe this time, waiting to be discovered. He was dead. He died. End of story.
And once again, I was left alone on Asgard, an empty space in my heart.
Odin had the grace to hold a funeral for Loki. It wasn’t spectacular like Frigga’s, which people could not stop talking about. It was quiet, held in a small, private chamber. Thor, Odin and I were present, and in my opinion, there was one person there who shouldn’t have been.
Thor and I knew Odin only gave Loki a funeral because he died saving Thor, Jane and Asgard. Had he died in his cell, or died fleeing Asgard, it would have gone unnoticed.
There was no body, Thor could not bring it back at the time. Odin didn’t bother sending him back to find it; apparently Frost Giants turn to ash when they die.
So the three of us got together to remember Loki, and to place the golden effigy of Loki in the catacombs under the palace, where other royal effigies were kept. He was placed next to Frigga’s, and returned to honor.
I didn’t cry during that week of all around mourning in Asgard. I was either numb of emotions, or I was angry. Angry that the only way Loki could redeem himself to others was through his death. Angry that he left in the first place. I was angry with how people carried on, like his death was an honorable casualty, like every other soldier who died for their realm.
No, Loki’s death wasn’t that. At least not to me. It was a tragedy. It was my heart being wrenched in two. It was my soul dying.
Loki’s death killed a part of me.
“Are you sure you would like to leave?” Thor asked me, not sure what else he could say to me.
“Yes.” I nodded. I was one hundred percent sure of this. “I need space, Thor. I need a place where no one knows what happened. Here I’m…” My throat swelled a bit, my chest ached, and I took a few deep breathes to calm myself. The numbness I had previously felt was dissipating, leaving me feeling sad, lonely and ready to cry.
“This place is haunted for me. Everywhere I look, all I can think of is him.” I couldn’t even say his name. Not without falling apart. And I wasn’t going to do it here. No, I needed a place to lay low, get my life back together, the parts that were untainted by Loki.
Thor just nods, but I know he’s worried. He was hoping I would stay here, to keep an eye on things. He planned on going back to Earth, to be with Jane.
Even though Thor refused the throne, Odin figured he would come back eventually. They all thought this, once he either got tired of Jane, or she told him to leave or she died. Sixty, seventy years was nothing to them. Technically, it wouldn’t be much for me.
I didn’t know what Thor was going to do. If he left to be with Jane, he may eventually end up like me: lost.
“Be safe. Heimdall is always listening.” Thor pulled me into a bear hug, and I wondered if I would see him again. I didn’t know how long I would be gone. I had it arranged that my rooms would be kept up, and should something happen to me, they would be sold.
“You too. Don’t cause any trouble.” He smiled sadly, knowing I was referring to the New Mexico incident.
I walked into the large, golden dome, feeling sure. This was what I had to do.
I closed my eyes as I was sucked into the light, and kept them closed. Before when I had traveled via the Bifrost, I kept my eyes open, to enjoy the ride. The swirling galaxies and stars burning in the sky were amazing to watch up close. But the beauty of the sky just made me sad. Frigga was up there, now a star. I wondered if Loki was up there too, now a beautiful mixture of stars keeping watch over us.
I felt my feet firmly land on something soft. I breathed in the smell of pumpkin spice candles and opened my eyes to the place I felt I could always go when I had a problem. The place to get away.
“Mom?” I called out when I had regained my balance from landing. I was in the living room, and I could hear her in the kitchen. I knew she was home. I had told Heimdall to drop me off when she was home. There was a bang from the kitchen, as if someone had dropped something.
My mother rushed out, looking shocked. “I thought I was hearing things! Sweetheart!” She rushed over to me and hugged me.
“Hi mom.” I smiled a little bit. I hugged her, and I realized I was actually glad to see her. I hadn’t see her in so long.
“What are you doing here, honey? Is everything alright?” She pulled back to look me over, a little concerned. I looked her over as well, noticing the few changes. Her hair was shorter. She had put on a bit of weight, and it suited her. There were streaks of grey showing in her hair. But all in all, she still looked the same.
I sighed. “No, mom. Everything-everything is not alright.” I put a hand to my face. I breathed in deep, trying to calm down. I didn’t want to break down and cry. Not yet. I was holding it all together so well, why couldn’t I just hold it in until I got to my room? But that wasn’t happening. “Nothing is right!” I yelled, and I began to sob.
I felt my mom pull me to her and I felt her moving me over to the couch. But I didn’t register anything she said to me. I was just sobbing uncontrollably, and blubbering, though I doubt she could understand me. I was a mess, and I had been a mess for a while.
I told her everything, starting from when Loki found out he was adopted, going all the way up to when Loki died. I left out the whole soul-binding thing, and Loki hearing voices. To fill in for that point I just said he was framed, which was kind of true.
After the initial sob fest, my mom walked me to my room. She had kept it the same all this time, in case I wanted to come home. I felt so grateful for that, knowing that my mom was there for me, even though I hadn’t been there for her. I changed into my favourite pyjamas while she went to make me some hot chocolate, saying we could “talk when I felt a bit better”.
Laying down on my bed, I sniffled. I closed my eyes, because they already felt dry and tired. Looking across the room, I saw my closet. And I remembered Loki had once slept on a cot in that exact spot. I sucked in my breath, feeling my chest ache. I turned my face into my pillow, and began to cry again.
It would be a long time before I ‘felt a bit better’.