WARNING: This post could very well lead to a veritable flume of spoils. So if you don't wanna get wet, don't get in the water...
Spoilers arrive in all manners of shapes and sizes. Whether they could be nihilistic Facebook friends screaming "JOFFERY DIES" from their digital mountaintops (true story), or characters being mysteriously absent from promotional tie-ins, errors or lapses in judgement will always keep our inner detectives ticking over in their smoky, noirish office spaces.
But for movies as big and overwhelmingly secretive as the impending 7th episode of Star Wars, surely it must come as a major hassle when promotional products' blurbs detail a shed ton of character background and story movements?
Well, for our curious pleasure, officially licensed Star Wars halloween costumes and props have been released, unleashing spoils for our heroes Finn and Rey, and reserving a little spoil space for Captain Phasma and our boy Kylo Ren. I knew I loved Halloween for more than just face paint and cheap-ass candy.
Are you ready?
Finn - The Heroic Stormtrooper
Finn's role in The Force Awakens has been dissected and grumbled over from the moment his head popped up into frame in the first trailer - "was he pretending to be a Stormtrooper," and "is he an double agent?", alluding to some of the more, erm, diplomatic ponderings.
Well, after a clip of Finn wielding the iconic Skywalker blue 'saber set the web alight, it's fairly evident that he had no reservation over joining the light side of the Force:
Sometimes, heroes come from the unlikeliest of places. The Galactic Empire has been dead for decades, but evil never really dies. With villains rising to take the Empire’s place, heroes must rise to oppose them.
After becoming stranded by himself in the deserts of Jakku, and meeting up with a girl named Rey, a Stormtrooper named Finn has joined the side of the Resistance.
He began his adventure as a part of the New Order, but now he’s one of the few people that can stop them. With a new look, Finn is ready for a new mission. Since trading in his Stormtrooper armor for a new set of gear, Finn’s outfit might not be flashy, but it’s all that a hero needs to succeed.
Rey - The Mysterious Scavenger
So we know that Daisy Ridley's Rey is a scavenger living in a downed AT-AT on Jakku, but what we didn't know is how big a badass she truly is:
The mission to take down the First Order is underway! After invading the Starkiller Base, one member of the Resistance has split from her group and found herself in a massive room full of First Order soldiers. Completely surrounded by Stormtroopers with blasters and Knights of Ren with lightsabers, she seems to be totally outnumbered.
Unfortunately for her enemies, though, they’ve made a big mistake: it’s not about the strength of the weapon, but the strength of the warrior that wields it. Begin your Star Wars adventure as a character beginning her own.
Rey is one of the new heroes making her Star Wars debut in Episode VII: The Force Awakens. After growing up with a simple life on the remote desert planet Jakku, and meeting up with a former Stormtrooper named Finn, she suddenly finds herself as part of the Resistance, the organization trying to save the galaxy from the villainous First Order.
Captain Phasma - The Chrome Swagtrooper
Seriously though, who the f**k is Phasma? Besides from being played by the amazing Gwendoline Christie, and looking like a magpie's wet dream, the Captain of the First Order's 'Trooper Corps.' description is still quite heavy on the vague:
Are you ready to join the dark side? From behind a suit of silver armor and a reflective, mirrored mask, the captain inspects a unit of Stormtroopers before battle.
The Resistance must be brought to its knees, so that the First Order may reign supreme over the galaxy. Villains like Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine have ruled in the past, but in Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, the face of the Dark Side has been replaced, and her name is Captain Phasma.
Still, pretty epic description!
Kylo Ren - The Venom in the Fangs of the First Order
Unsurprisingly, Ren has had a load of products dedicated to him and his special 'saber, all with stunningly indeterminate blurbs. But one of the products sheds light on an interesting character development - the Knights of Ren:
As The Force Awakens, will you choose the Dark Side? The countless galaxies in the Star Wars universe have lain dormant for decades, since the fall of the Galactic Empire. Now, in Star Wars Episode VII, the Force – the darkness, and the light – has reawakened.
Heroes are scrambling to claim the powers for good, but many would rather use them for evil. The Knights of Ren are calling your name. Kylo Ren is just one of the names that belong to The Knights of Ren, an army of the dark side that craves to reclaim its lost power.
Allied with the First Order, it’s their mission to take down the Resistance and anything else that stands in their way.
In the second trailer, Luke Skywalker is heard telling someone that they are Force sensitive. I bet that person could very well be Rey when she was much younger. Kylo overhears this and becomes jealous, his heart filling with rage and darkness. He's the son of heroes, why can't he be special like his sister and uncle?
Check the trailer again, and see what you think:
As Rey hones her abilities under her uncle's tutelage, Kylo grows into an angry and jealous teenager, much to the distaste of his family and sister. He begins searching for ways to align himself with the Force, coming across a dark group named the Knights of Ren, that, more than likely, covet the Force sensitive, for all Sith have been thought slain by the Rebel Alliance.
In order to stand a chance to rule the galaxy, the Knights of Ren strike an alliance with the remnants of Galactic Empire in an attempt to wipe out the last pockets of resistance in the galaxy, and, of course, the last remaining Jedi - Luke Skywalker. But little did Kylo know that he would be meeting his sister on the battlefield...
Naturally all of these tidbits of info should be taken with a pinch of salt. When asked about the validity of the character descriptions on Twitter, Lucasfilm's very own Matt Martin seemed just as surprised about them as we were:
What do you make of that?
True or not, it feels as if these blurbs are heading in the right direction. But, as ever, only time will tell.