ByMarlon McDonald, writer at
Umm... are you going to drink that Skooma?
Marlon McDonald

We all do it, and I'm just as guilty! Lying in bed at night, imagining who would be victorious in a fantasy battle between two great characters from the realms of pop culture, and the epic battles between the combatants that would play out. It's the stuff childlike dreams are made of!

Last week when Matt Damon suggested Jason Bourne could kick Batman's ass, my mind started working overtime: "how could he outsmart the Bat? What magazine would he use to batter him?" So I decided to write this here little test, ad figure out whether Damon's bold assumptions could actually come true.

Are you ready, dear reader. Ready for a bout of imaginary match up between two of my favorite heroes, plus a little bonus I'd seriously love to see. Who do you think will win?

Ben Affleck's Batman V Matt Damon's Jason Bourne


Batman - Fully Stocked Utility Belt & Brass Knuckles

Bourne - 9mm Pistol

Upon learning that Treadstone head honcho Ward Abbott (Brian Cox) had a confidante and financier in the high echelons of Wayne Enterprises, Jason Bourne heads to Gotham City to track down this mystery money man, and figure out the secret behind the shady CIA operation once and for all.

Ward Abbott
Ward Abbott

But, naturally, it turned out to be a trap. The Wayne Enterprises' chairman was executed by the CIA to keep their involvement a secret, for which Bourne is framed. Now on the run from the GCPD and CIA, and hiding out in a derelict building, Bourne receives a message from an unknown number telling him to head to Wayne Enterprises and meet with someone who has some information for him.

"Now there's a Batman."
"Now there's a Batman."

Arriving at Wayne Enterprises, and heading to the top floor, Bourne walks into the conference room and finds a rather pissed Batman waiting for him. Bourne carried a pistol with him, and begins unloading the clip at Batman. The Bat drops a smoke pellet in attempt to avoid the attack, but takes a hit to his left shoulder.

Bourne runs into a corner and attempts to reload the pistol. The gun is knocked out of his hand by a Batarang, and as Bourne looks up he takes a fist to the face. Momentarily dazed, Bourne comes out swinging and manages to catch the Bat a few times in the face, which causes him to stagger back.

Both men begin duelling with each other; fists flying, throwing each other around the room. Bourne even manages to bloody the Bat's jaw with a file, found on the large, oak conference table, he rolled into a potent weapon. Noticing the wound in Batman's shoulder, Bourne concentrates his attacks on Bats' left side. This leads to Batman suffering a dislocated shoulder.

Batman fires his grappling hook out of a window, smashing it, and attempts to make the long journey down to the ground. Bourne runs after him and manages to grab hold of him. They both descend quicker than usual, and land on a car parked beneath. Bourne rolls to the ground.

Naturally, both men are reeling from the drop, but somehow Bourne is the first to get up. He picks up a shard of glass and walks over to the prone Batman. Ready to deliver a killer strike, Batman springs up and kicks Bourne in the chest, sending him stumbling into the road. Bourne is then flattened by a concussive round from the quickly approaching Batmobile. The Dark Knight is victorious.


Pacific Rim's Gypsy Danger V Mighty Morphin Power Rangers' Dino Megazord


Gypsy Danger: Plasmacaster, Chain Sword

Dino Megazord: Power Sword

After successfully dispatching another one of Rita Repulsa's lackeys, this time manifesting as a sea beast, the cackling sorceress places a hex on the Megazord, making it resemble a beast of terrible proportions to innocent bystanders like you and I.

Gypsy Danger, being the last of the Pan Pacific Defence Corps' Jaegers in operation, was sent to investigate the disturbance in the Pacific, and when it arrived at the scene of the battle, its sensors read the Dino Megazord as a Category V Kaiju, and instantly engaged the Rangers in battle.

The Megazord is taking some serious damage, as Gypsy Danger lays into it with some pretty slick moves. Raleigh and Mako, GD's pilots, are surprised the Kaiju isn't putting up more of a fight, but still they lay in, because a dead Kaiji is a good Kaiju.

The Rangers attempt to make contact with GD, to no avail. Their communications are being blocked by Rita's evil sorcery. So they come to the conclusion that the only way to escape is to fight.

The pair continue to scuffle, eventually reaching Angel Grove's coastline, the Megazord has GD in a headlock, and is pummelling its head with punches. GD manages to escape, and begins unleashing a hail of plasma rounds in retaliation. The Megazord is severely damaged in the process, and loses an arm.

The Rangers, now on the backfoot again, summon the Power Sword, much to GD's surprise (a Kaiju with a sword?!). GD retorts with its own Chain Sword, and the two begin duelling on the beach. The sights and sounds are something to behold.

The Megazord is doing a good job of parrying GD's swipes, even managing to damage the Jaeger's arms in the process. As the Megazord lines up to strike a finishing blow to GD's head, GD grabs the Megazord and Power Sword, then blasts a hole through the Megazord's solar plexus with its Nuclear Vortex Turbine.

Done and dusted.
Done and dusted.

Defeated and slumped on the ground, the Megazord is put out of its misery with plasma blasts to the head. Luckily the Power Rangers teleported to safety just in time. Gypsy Danger reigns supreme. And how Rita laughs...

What did you make of these?

Did you dig my clash of titans? Or would you have changed anything? Let's get talking in the comments, and feel free to think up your own epic battles!


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