Greetings True believers! With all the talk about the upcoming X-men movie [X-Men: Apocalypse](tag:1194267) and the next villain being Apocalypse I think it's time to re-examine everyone favorite Mutants. So let's talk about the X-men! Hated and feared by a world they are sworn to protect, tends to make a lot of enemies, but not all villains are created equal. Some are strong, powerful and are always a challenge (Juggernaut) and some are... well one hit wonders who don't prove to be much of an memory(Nasty Boys). But then there are those who stand the test of time and in some cases you gotta ask yourself...Why?
Now I'm not saying that they are useless or stupid, just that they are not worth all the hype that comes with them. They may have good powers or a nice back story, but they still have been used way more than they should be or just simply longer than was necessary. So here is my list of the ten X-men villains who are over hyped, over used, or I'm just over.
The Good: Now this is a hard one for me because I love this character,He was my favorite villain in the 90's cartoon. When he showed up you knew shit got real
Partially because he was so over the top in it and had Shakespearean way about himself. Dude would bust out a monologue mid fight. Now he also was the team-up boss. Sure when Magneto show up you didn't send the b-squad. It would be full force A-team X-men, But when you fought Apocalypse you always had some extra help. whether it was Cable coming from the future, or X-factor being call in, you didn't play when going up against him. Plus he had giant "A" on his belt, which is not actually helping his case now that I think about, but I thought it was cool.
Also He still has such a cool story: Also known as En Sabah Nur, he was born nearly five thousand years ago, and is considered the "first mutant". He had very little but effective powers back than, Immortality and mass shifting. Oppressed in his youth (was even a slave at one point) he ended up battling many current characters (Kang the Conqueror, The Brood, and Count Dracula.) and acquiring celestial technology that made him more powerful. So some of his coolest stories are as the good guy fighting a worse guy or someone stepping up on his territory.
The Bad: Dude is old! Like old as fuck! Like I have to do a series of old people jokes to fully convey how old this dude is. Here we go!
Dude so old he walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.
Dude so old he watches the History Channel to see if he's on.
Dude so old his birth certificate says, Expired.
Dude so old he was classmates with Jesus.
Dude so old the candles cost more than the birthday cake.
Dude so old he remembers Burger King when he was a prince.
Dude so old he longs for the days when boys sent her poems by Morse code.
Dude so old he often quotes "Back in my millennium..."
People make Yo mama so old jokes and use him as a reference
OK that's enough of that. Now him being old is not really the problem, I'm not a ageist. Captain America is old and he gets by fine...well technically he is retired from the superhero game. Well Dracula is old and he still around... he did get his ass handed to him by Deadpool not to long ago and it was kind of embarrassing for him. No the problem is his way of thinking : Survival of the Fittest. He believes that only the best of the best should survive. The problem with that is he's not that fit. Take a look at this guy when he doesn't have his armor.
Jesus! I wish we did 'You so ugly' jokes in instead. Well one of the issues with getting old is you get tired easy as fuck. Like nap for hours tired. Now imagine you have been alive as long as he has been? You nap for years! Which he does, and it's hard to take a villain serious when instead of plotting their revenge for the last three years they were napping. Hey Apocalypse remember those teenagers you fought a couple of years ago? Well they spent that time getting buff as fuck to punch you in your geezer head.
Problem #2: His powers suck. Really the dude has two powers. Immortality and mass shifting and neither are the best version of that. He still gets old ( You saw that worst versions of a candy unwrapping) and he mass shifting really means he can move his weight around. Luckily he has all that celestial technology he acquired...a thousand years ago. Which is pretty great tech until about 15 years ago. Than it slowly became obsolete. It's still more advance than most of mankind, but not iron man advance or Wakanda advance. hell magneto use to have a base in space, well old dude is in tombs. How you going to have tech form space gods but live in the dirt? He's gotten a few upgrades as the years passed( But the Celestials never give him the good stuff.It's more like giving your First generation iPod to a cave man.) but so has every super hero still in the game. The X-men used to train in a gym and now they have a holodeck. Avengers have Iron man giving them new tech all the time. Hell spider-man so poor, the bastard still lives at his aunts house and he still gets new web gear from time to time! Not to mention Apocalypse has a TIME TRAVELER trying to kill him! Apocalypse is basically steampunk Iron man and he has guy who can get literally any weapon ever created trying end him. I love you Apocalypse, but you should be dead son.
9.The Hellfire Club
The Hellfire Club began in England as a social club for the social elite and wealthy in the 1760's. Basically if you were a white person and your daddy was rich you had a membership.Don't believe me? Let's ask around.
Me: Warren Washington your daddy rich. Do you have an membership?
Warren:Why yes my dads a member so that makes me one
Me: Cool have fun next summer. Hope you stick to the comics and hook up with Olivia Munn.
Warren: Me too!
Me: Hey Iron man! You roll deep dollars thanks to Daddy Warbucks. But your still a human did you get denied?
Tony: Actually most of their members are human, like my father. So yeah I'm a Member as well.
Me: Cool well invite me some time. We can get drunk and pick up some ladies!
Iron man: uh I actually don't drink anym-
Me: Iron fist! I know you gotta have an membership!
Iron fist: No actually. I do not.
Me: ...Oh. Is it cause you hang out with black people?
Iron fist: ...I don't know. maybe?
Me: Well cheer up I'm sure you'll do fine without one. Where are you heading to?
Iron fist: I'm going to the magical city in another dimensions where I was raised, and got to punch a dragon in the heart!
Me:.... Fucking white people.
ANNNNYway the Hellfire Club was run by a council who used chess pieces to name their positions because chess was really cool back than and everyone used this gimmick in comics. Most of the members were mutants so that automatically makes them the x-men's problem. I don't know why they decided to come after the x-men, sense the x-men knew nothing about them but they did. Actually I don't know why they did anything they were all already rich. Which is exactly my problem with them. They are rich as hell. They don't need to do any of this, you won already. Your rich and control things. It's over. Ever time with these guys, they get a team together and decide "Hey let's go fuck with the World's most powerful telepathic mutant and his team of ass-kickers. I'm sure the one with KNIVES on his hands will be a breeze to take on. I don't see us getting stabbed in the near future." It's not like a Dr. Doom revenge thing or Lex Luther ego trip. That works! Hellfire just does it for shit and giggles and keeps doing it even when they fail ALL THE TIME. Even doctor Octopus has a few wins on his record and his best idea was basically a high tech walker. Seriously guys get your act together.
It's at this point I want to let you know that these are in no particular order. The only reason there is a number is to make sure I had ten(me no count well). That being said if I was going to have an order this waste of space would be HIGH on the list! Lets wrap this one up quick cause he is the worst.
Karl Lykos was the son of an explorer's guide. On an outing he was bitten by mutant pterodactyls, cause that the chance you take be an explorer i guess. Later he discovered that he could now drain the life-force of other organisms, because that's what happens when a pterodactyls bites you I guess. Those are the facts. This is the real shit: If you really like were-wolfs and vampires But Fucking LOVE pterodactyls this is the character for you! For the rest of he is the worst.
At this point I want to say, when I was a kid this guy was cool. Hell he was the coolest! If you saw him in the 90's X-men cartoon he was a cool-ass characters... at first. He was a talking dinosaur who was a scientist who could take people out of the fight with a touch. look at the one of the first times they meet him.
Dude was rocking it on a double page! That's the kind of thing done to really express how intense the situation is. But just like 5 stack pancakes that starts off looking really good, but later you realize you don't like pancakes that much and wish you got the 3 stack with bacon and eggs and had some variety even if it was a dollar more, and really you just wanted the bacon, but getting them separately was almost four bucks more which is crazy, cause its not that complicated of an order. If anything it's easier for them it's just a 3 stack and baco-.... wait what was my point?... OH! Brother is tiresome!
Let's talk about his powers/whole deal. He drain peoples energy but seems to have a mutant fetish or can only drain mutants, I'm not sure, it has never been explained. He then turns into a pterodactyl as well as an asshole who tries to take over the world. No clue why. Oh and he has a cap off on how powerful he gets. Sure he can drain you until you die(maybe. I've never seen anyone actually die) but that just stays in the tank for reserve. Like eating a side of bacon after making yourself eat a 5 stack of pancakes doesn't make you stronger, just poorer, a need to take an afternoon nap and harder to look at yourself in the mirror. And because he on a vampire-like kick all of his plans are vampire like (feed and rule a world of his kind)
He has been apart of a few teams as well, which is a good sign that they will lose. He is to teams what Hayden Christensen is to movies. You see him on your team rethink what your during with your life.
In conclusion, there at least three different marvel werewolves, two vampires, three dinosaurs, and in general one other Sauron out there. ALL ARE BETTER characters then him and one is called "Werewolf by night"... like he can't work the day shift EVER.
Mystique is a super cool mutant who can Shape shift, doesn't age, and is WELL versed in guns and murder. She has lead numerous teams and worked for many different organizations, as well accomplished many feats. Granted those feats are mostly murder and destruction, but she does it well. That being said she has continuously pick the worst group to go against. Of all the people to come after the shapeshifter picks the one with psychics AND mutant bloodhounds! The worst part is she started out so well. Getting government secrets, Robbing Ms.marvel of her powers and murdering her boyfriend. (to clarify murdering Ms. marvel's boyfriend not her own... that being said she has tried to kill every one she has ever even kissed let alone slept with except for destiny. Which is one of only ones dead.) Then Rogue shows up at the X-mens door and suddenly she can't think straight. Now if she had suck to to fighting teams like the avengers she would have had a nice career. They rarely have telepaths or people with super senses on the team so she could have been a legend in the super villain community. Hell she could have killed Captain America by now ( at least Hawkeye) and would have been a queen to Hydra. In fact she would have changed how mutants were treated in the villain community and could have taken down a lot of anti-mutant groups with that kind of backing...and maybe America as well. Hey I didn't say it was a perfect future for ever one!
Now there are a few things that give Mystique an edge against the X-Men. One is the Destiny diaries, which had information about the future, thanks to, well ...Destiny. So she new about things well before they could/would happen. Combined with shape-shifting and her ability to recruit people to her cause that can be an impressive toolbox.
Her second edge is... well the X-men are a bunch of fuck ups. Like half the time. In fact that's really the only reason most of their long standing enemies ever have an opportunity to take them out. You think the Blob still poses a treat to the the X-Men?? They are all a bunch of broken people who can only get there shit together, only when it counts. What makes them cool in the first place is what is their greatest weakness. A man in a wheelchair came to them and said the world hates you come live with me. And instead of giving them Proper therapy, he instead train them like an military unit to fight off mutant terrorist and THE GOVERNMENT ITSELF as teenagers. How is that not going to leave you scarred in a way that a shape-shifting can't find exploit? Now you may think not all of them come to the X-Men as teenagers and or damaged. Half of them come pretending to have their shit together but it always unravels once their past shows up(Gambit). Any one not screwed up when they get their will end worse of them. Psylocke, Jean Grey, And Angel. All started out pretty well put together when joining the X-men even with dealing with being a mutant. after a few years? One a century old mutant transformed him to represent death and fight his friends. One became a vessel for a cosmic god and destroyed a planet! And one became Asia, which isn't that bad, but differently racist.
Not to mention Mystique has an emotional connections to not one but two X-men that she can manipulate. If the they ever got there shit in order Mystique would be the equivalent of Team Rocket or a Scooby-Doo villian.
Sentinels are programmed to locate mutants and capture or kill them. Though several types of Sentinels have been introduced, the one we all like is three stories tall, is capable of flight, projects energy blasts, and can detect mutants. There are two types of mutants that are in trouble when a Sentinel shows up. Telepaths in wheel chairs and people who don't know how to use there powers at all. Everyone else has a fighting chance or at least a running chance if your powers kind of suck (jubilee).
The thing that makes the Sentinels dangerous is that they are emotionless machines programmed to kill or capture. They don't give Monologues when they have you pinned down. They don't quip while targeting you. They don't care if it's 7 to 1 in there favor. They don't even run away when they are losing and swear revenge. They either get it down or don't. Yoda would be so proud.
The downside? when your an X-Man there are two things they prepare you to fight: Magneto and Sentinels. There may have been a few upgrades as they years have gone by but the design has not changed much. Not to mention sense they are just robots you get to go hog wild on them. No half force optic blast for Cyclops. No weak lighting for Storm. They blasting the shit out of them. Now that's not to say they have not gotten better with every new batch. But they are only as good as the tech available and presently they don't have what it takes. Now future version like nimrod a dangerous SOB. That's why it was Smart thinking to send them to the present when the x-men are in their prime instead of just wait til they old and tired. Great job future!
Gladiator and the Imperial Guard were created as an homage to DC Comics' Legion of Super-Heroes, with all the Imperial Guard's original members created as analogs of Legionnaires. Gladiator was the analog to Superboy. He's not the first Superman knock off but he is probably the most popular. He started off being pretty kick ass. No single person could take him out. Hell no group could take him out. This is the outcome of a fight with the fantastic four The same group who took down Galactus:
But sooner or later we all must fall from grace and that moment was the 90's for him. I could comb thru and find a bunch of times he was less than awesome, but I won't. Because all I need is two: The two times he got his ass kick by One x-men Single-highhandedly. First up is Gambit! Now this is really early on in gambits career with the X-Men, in fact he wasn't around long as a character at all before this and in comics new characters tend to be more powerful in their early years to provide a game changer feel. Still though this happen:
Why is this embarrassing for Gladiator? because of this:
And than this...
That's right Gladiator takes hits worst than an 80 year old war veteran.
Now lets look at his fight with Cannonball. You would expect it to look like this the whole time
But some how we end up here
And finishing here
This guy once took out the ENTIRE Fantastic four and he has been taken down buy a deck of cards and a guy who used to dress like this
Everyone has there kryptonite I guess...
Oh Mojo. Mojo Mojo. Mojo Mojo Mojo Mojo. Moooogoooo. I having a hard time describing for the simple fact that you are such a weird character, but I will give it a go. Mojo is an ruler of sorts of the Mojoverse, He is an parody of network executives. The whole premise is that his whole dimension is a TV based culture. so you either work for TV or watch it...which kinda doesn't make sense but I'm not dwell to long on that sense the writers haven't for years.
Mojo is one of those Better as a one or two time villain for a TV show than a comic. In fact he should have been something the was used out in the 80's early 90's on account of lack of fresh ideas, but this happen...
Yup The freakin' X-Babies. The cute versions of the x-men who had adorable adventure in the Mojoverse. They when Mojo had de-aged the X-Men. the only time you can make Mojo with scenes like this:
It was such an adorable thing that they expanded the roster.
In fact every time the x-men roster changed so did theirs
That fat useless bastard got an extra DECADE of relevance because of these equally useless cute buggers. Until we figured out how to at least cut one of them out of the equations.
Turns out you don't need an actually back story when your that cute... or an actually story for that matter. At least you didn't go and make them animals...
...Well at least marvel didn't try to make a profit off it.
Well since we are heading to a more serious tone for the x-men I don't think we will be seeing any more Mojo anytime soon. I'm going to miss your over the top excitement for horrible things, your less than memorable story lines, and your only being good for bringing us Longshot (and I guess Shatterstar)... I just might miss that twinkle in your eye.
Ugh never mind.
3. The Four Horsemen
The group consists of four individuals (usually mutants) that have been genetically altered and mentally conditioned to serve the ancient mutant, Apocalypse, either willingly or forcibly. They are enhanced or endowed with new abilities, and are always given the same titles based upon the biblical Four Horsemen (Death, Famine, Pestilence, and War).
They suck. No joke They suck at there jobs. They are people who are given extra power than the already power set they had and they have killed NO ONE!
That's right! In fact the only people who have ever died are them. Don't believe me? Here is a list of horsemen:
Death: Archangel, Caliban, Wolverine, Gambit, Psylocke, Sanjar Javeed, Banshee, Daken, Grim Reaper,Sentry(the last four were all Horsemen of Death at the same)
Famine: Autumn Rolfson, Ahab, Sunfire, Jeb Lee(no relation to Jim lee)
Pestilence: Plague, Caliban, Polaris, Ichisumi
War: Abraham Kieros, Hulk, Deathbird, Gazer, Decimus Furius
If you have that many replacements for a job you might want to rethink the need for it.
It's not even like people are pulling out all the stop to take them out. The first pestilence was taken out by the Power pack.
Let me say that again: THE FIRST PESTILENCE WAS TAKEN KILLED BY THE POWER PACK... BY ACCIDENT!
The toad gets killed by accident. The Stilt-Man gets killed by accident. Hell the Green Goblin ACTUALLY got killed by accident! But facing he's mortal enemy . Not the elite fighting force of an thousand year old mutant by kids in elementary.
The only horsemen who even did there jobs well was the Horsemen of death, which was a group (Banshee, Daken, Grim Reaper,Sentry). Now those were some engines of death and destruction! They not only killed Rogue and Captain America the help destroy the world! In fact the only way for the good guys to win was for them to work with another villain Kang the conqueror and go back in time and change history. Now that's how you do it! Sadly no others come close to that level of badasser (badassitude?) And since Apocalypse is dead right now, we won't see them get any better for some time.
2. Magneto"I am smiling!"
Master of magnetism, Founder of Brotherhood of Mutants, and all around jerk. Look I'm not going to tell the origin of Magneto. There are a few people on this list that you may have not known that well and that's probable because of this guy. If there is one X-men villain we ALL know the story of its this guy. that's cause any writer who writes more than 20 issues has to do a story with him. Hell every cartoon had him in it. Sometimes more than some team members (has anyone seen morph? He was supposed to be in a 90's cartoon but all I'm seeing is magneto for half of the first season). The 90's cartoon had more magneto than beast and he is an original x-men! Which is part of the problem. This guy is always around! Actually it's the whole problem. I would be lying if I said his powers weren't dope or that he has a weak origin story. That being said only person putting more time in than him is wolverine and at least he spreads it to other comics. How you going have a war on humanity and only fight mutants?
1. Time Itself
Now every hero at some point has to deal with time travel. It's in the official check list of super hero street cred( right between evil version of yourself from another dimension and trap in a dream/someone else mind). You have to do it at least once. The X-men haven't gone just once. They have had at least a dozen time travel adventures.They go so often you would think it was a country you could visit.
The Adventures of Cyclops and Phoenix
The Messiah Trilogy
Age of Apocalypse
Days of Future Past
So that's the list. I hope you enjoyed it. And as my last note I want to say That I like these characters( for the most part.) And think they are quite impressive. And to be fair Its hard to be a real treat to a group this big and powerful. They are quite the force to be reckon with. Not much is a treat to them(except themselves) Until next time!