When he was just a boy, Tony Washington (Jesse D’Angelo) was on his way home from a baseball game with his parents William (John Fasano) and Louise (Francesca Bonacorsa) when he witnessed the tragic murder of his father, who was stabbed to death trying to save a young girl from being raped by two teenage thugs.
See? This is what being a Good Samaritan gets you… Killed.
Years later, Tony (Jon Mikl Thor) is a bright, athletic teenage baseball player. While out getting groceries for his mother and saving the convenient store from a group armed, shoplifting teenage thugs, he is run over and killed by a another gang of teenage thugs – Jim (Shawn Levy), Amy (Tia Carrere), Bob (Allan Fisher), Peter (Hamish McEwan) and Susie (Manon E. Turbide). Not willing to accept her son’s horrific death, Louise visits a voodoo priestess named Molly Mekembe (Manuska), who just so happens to be the girl William saved all those years ago.
Well, ain’t that a coinkidink!
Molly repays Louise by resurrecting Tony; however, she clearly states that she’ll be unable to bring him fully back to life and can only resurrect him in undead form long enough for him to avenge his death.
As Tony quenches his thirst for vengeance, Det. Frank Sorrell (Frank Dietz) and his superior Capt. Tom Churchman (Adam West) must figure out the identity of the killer behind the mounting body count.
Shouldn’t be too hard. It’s the giant walking corpse.
The most obvious takeaway from Zombie Nightmare, besides that it’s actually a slasher movie disguised as a zombie movie, is that Canada needs more Boys and Girls Club centers.
That, and the way the convenient store clerk just drops off Tony’s lifeless body at his mom’s has to be some kinda social commentary on crippling budget cuts for the Montreal police department and the state of Canada’s healthcare system.
Meanwhile, back at the bat-cave! Our Caped Crusader plans his course of action against his diabolical foe. Joker? No! Riddler? No! Penguin? No, apparently, he’s working for the Montreal Forensics Team. Just when you thought the city was safe, Church-Man comes face to face with his new challenger: A roided-out, decomposed Eddie Van Halen with a killer swing. Whether he’s crushing out a long ball or crushing in the skulls of those that did him wrong, this monster’s always batting 1000.
Move over, Ty Cobb.
But wait! The plot thickens as another villain enters the picture, and this fiendish nemesis could very well be the one match Church-Man has been hoping he never has to face. Mr. Freeze? No! Catwoman? No! The Puzzler? No! Mad Hatter? No! False Face? No! It’s Jim, the punkish dickhead teen and world’s biggest John Cougar Mellencamp fan. Jim is bad, bad news for the citizens of Montreal as he is armed with these super dangerous abilities…
- Sexually harassing the local Twist & Creme waitress to no end.
- Overstating the size of his wee little pee pee.
- Tossing leftover spaghetti at his mom like a whiny bitch.
- Threatening others to “Eat your ice cream!!”
- Worst of all, transforming into his frightening alter-ego Shawn Levy, where he possesses the power of blinding his victims with poisonous celluloid such as Big Fat Liar, Just Married and The Pink Panther remake.
But what concerns Church-Man the absolute most is Jim’s most evil claim to fame… He made Tony into the monster he’d become the very moment he ran him over with his car, scoring a massive hard-on in the process of “snuffing out that big candle… splat.”
“Hey, I say ‘I made you’, you gotta say ‘you made me.’ I mean, how childish can you get?”
Who are we kidding? Jim is such a pencil-thin lightweight, the blow dryer he uses on his hair (which easily accounts for 85% of his total body weight) could probably knock him down to the ground.
Can Church-Man save the day once and for all for the people of Montreal? Stay tuned to find out as he and his trusty sidekick, low-rent Andrew McCarthy fight the forces of evil and crack the case of whether or not this movie wants to be a monster flick, a police procedural drama or a blatant ripoff of I Know What You Did Last Summer.
And you know you’re bad when you can make that turd look even just halfway decent.
“Holy vehicular manslaughter, Church-Man! Those monsters are on the loose!”
“Yes, indeed, second-rate Blane McDonough, and I believe it all points to voodoo priestess Molly Mekembe as the source of it all.”
“But, Church-Man, Molly’s are only reliable alibi in this case.”
“Isn’t it obvious? Only a criminal would disguise herself as some kind of voodoo progeny of Miss Cleo, Sean Connery and Katharine Hepburn, yet callously allow one of the undead to destroy the love of Wayne Campbell’s life. There’s no time to lose. To the church-poles!”
“You had me at church-pole.”
Will Church-Man and bargain bin Kevin Dolenz nab Tony? Will Miss Mekembe be cleared of all tee charges, mahn? For the love of God, will Shawn Levy wreak city-wide havoc with another Cheaper by the Dozen sequel? Did 99.9999% of this film’s budget go to securing the rights to play Motorhead’s “Ace of Spades” during the opening credits? Is a film this cheap looking expected from a director transitioning from porn? Will Adam West wake up from his phoned-in slumber? Answers… tomorrow night! Same time, same channel!
One hint… That’s not Church-Man. Why it’s Old Man Withers, the guy who runs the haunted amusement park!
Did I just switch from Batman to Wayne’s World? You bet I did.