ByMark Hofmeyer, writer at
Awesomeness is my goal.
Mark Hofmeyer

When I was nine years old something terrible happened to me. I was an unassuming little kid who was taken to a theater to watch the new Ernest movie. I enjoyed Ernest movies and I was excited to see his further shenanigans. Would turtles talk? Would he go back to jail? Would he save Easter? My life changed as the credits rolled and a poor girl was hunted down by a vicious creature. The following 90 minutes would keep me from sleeping for the next several months and lead me to a lifelong fascination with this film.

Trantor is evil and snotty. Yuck.
Trantor is evil and snotty. Yuck.

The following five charts and graphs chronicle my life before and after watching Ernest Scared Stupid.

1. Number of times I bought Milk in order to battle a Troll in 1991

Milk was responsible for downfall of the trolls. Thus, I always had to keep milk close. Don’t judge, I was nine.

2. Number of times I’ve used the line “Does a one legged duck swim in a circle?

In the 24 years since the movie I’ve used the “duck” line around 37 times. It would be more but I alternate it equally with “does a fat puppy hate fast cars?"

3. Number of times I’ve used the phrase “how about a bumper sandwich booger lips.”

Sidenote: Ernest stole it from me. This cannot be proven.

Here is the booger lips scene.

4. Number of Times I’ve inquired about Pure Bulgarian Miak

I love this dialogue exchange between the troll and Ernest.

Ernest P. Worrell: How about a little Miak!
Trantor the Troll: Miak?
Ernest P. Worrell: Yeah, Miak. I bet you thought I couldn’t find any at this time of the year, well a little resourceful for ya, a little to light on my feet. Eat Miak and die!


5. Number of times I’ve wondered if Botswana has trees after hearing this line:

“Nuh uh, ain’t no trees in Botswana, nuh uh, I know, I AM a Botswanian lumberjack, and I ain’t never had a job…”

Ernest and his split personalities came up with some solid gold gems.

What Ernest Scared Stupid moments scared you?


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