When I was nine years old something terrible happened to me. I was an unassuming little kid who was taken to a theater to watch the new Ernest movie. I enjoyed Ernest movies and I was excited to see his further shenanigans. Would turtles talk? Would he go back to jail? Would he save Easter? My life changed as the credits rolled and a poor girl was hunted down by a vicious creature. The following 90 minutes would keep me from sleeping for the next several months and lead me to a lifelong fascination with this film.
The following five charts and graphs chronicle my life before and after watching Ernest Scared Stupid.
1. Number of times I bought Milk in order to battle a Troll in 1991
Milk was responsible for downfall of the trolls. Thus, I always had to keep milk close. Don’t judge, I was nine.
2. Number of times I’ve used the line “Does a one legged duck swim in a circle?
In the 24 years since the movie I’ve used the “duck” line around 37 times. It would be more but I alternate it equally with “does a fat puppy hate fast cars?"
3. Number of times I’ve used the phrase “how about a bumper sandwich booger lips.”
Sidenote: Ernest stole it from me. This cannot be proven.
Here is the booger lips scene.
4. Number of Times I’ve inquired about Pure Bulgarian Miak
I love this dialogue exchange between the troll and Ernest.
Ernest P. Worrell: How about a little Miak!
Trantor the Troll: Miak?
Ernest P. Worrell: Yeah, Miak. I bet you thought I couldn’t find any at this time of the year, well a little resourceful for ya, a little to light on my feet. Eat Miak and die!
5. Number of times I’ve wondered if Botswana has trees after hearing this line:
“Nuh uh, ain’t no trees in Botswana, nuh uh, I know, I AM a Botswanian lumberjack, and I ain’t never had a job…”
Ernest and his split personalities came up with some solid gold gems.
What Ernest Scared Stupid moments scared you?