It's that time of the year again! The temperature drops, sunlight retreats into nightfall sooner, and the barrier between the spirit realm and the world of the living becomes thinner! That's right... it's Halloween season!
When I was growing up - and even now as an adult on the verge of thirty - Halloween was a spook-tacular time for my family as we terrorized my grandmother with some of the greatest pranks (we once staged an elaborate "alien invasion" in her backyard, circa 1994, mind you) and were also well-known for having the best Halloween set-up every year (then again, it helped that my grandmother actually lived next door to an alleged haunted house and had a reputation herself for being a witch-like, crazy cat lady, but I digress).
As I matured into an adult, I have made it a point to always throw down and have the best Halloween gatherings filled with plenty of tricks and treats for my party-goers. Here, by the powers of the Movie Pilot Universe, I shall construct the ultimate party for this year's Samhain with the help of five personalities that you had the misfortune of most-likely overlooking... and, um, spoiler alert, none of my special guests are Chris Pratt-related... this is a party designated for an entire house, not just my bedroom.
VIP #1 - GORDON RAMSAY
There is absolutely nothing I hate more than when I go to a party and there is no food. Yeah, sure, cool... you spent $97.99 on vodka stored in a bottle that's in the shape of a damn skull. You couldn't spend another ten dollars on, like, some Pizza Rolls or something? Look, I don't care who the flying-hell you are... fingered-over, stale Doritos and popcorn does not "party food" make.
At my parties, I generally do a lot of cooking and take delight in the fact that people enjoy my culinary skills. However, at this Halloween bash to end all Halloween bashes, I'll be too busy trying to either get laid or win the costume contest, so I'm bringing in a cook who is truly more terrifying than both Leatherface and Hannibal Lecter. That's right, Gordon Ramsay!
Not only can I guarantee that the food will be utterly amazing and mouth-watering (and presented in a pristine and timely fashion), but I would also be praying that someone gets up the nerve to act like a fool in front of Gordon, treating all of my guests to one hell of a show as Gordon dresses them down in legendary fashion, reducing them to a mere puddle on the floor or making them bolt from the party in tears.
VIP #2 - BEETLEJUICE
Every party needs that one guy who takes the whole thing - which is already set to a ten - and cranks it all the way up until the knob falls off. That man, I'm confident to say, is none other than Beetlejuice.
In the actual film Beetlejuice, the deceased possess the ability to take on different shapes and forms... and have an odd fascination with Harry Belofonte. Although Beetlejuice was not the one to initiate the iconic Day-O dance at the dinner table (complete with in-your-face shrimp hands), that accolade goes to the Maitlands, the fact remains that Beetlejuice is a craftier and more powerful spirit than the newly-departed Barbara and Adam... meaning he could do something similar - if not BETTER - at my own party.
Having "the Ghost with the Most" at my killer party would make it a legitimate "haunted house" as he could, no doubt, pull out all the stops in order to make the night a truly memorable experience with the use of his Beetle-Snake form or turning some of my more expendable guests into unwitting pawns in a macabre game of "Test Your Strength."
VIP #3 - RuPAUL
While everyone is mentioning Chris Pratt's Star Lord as the one to get their parties started with dance-battles and epic tunes, I'm going with someone who tRUly knows how to "turnt" the party... "the Supermodel of the World," RuPaul!
Not only would RuPaul show up dressed from head-to-toe in drag queen "eleganza," he'd also provide the best reads and throw the greatest of shade for anyone deciding to come to the party "half-assing it" costume-wise. I have also chosen RuPaul because, instead of a generic dance-battle, my party would kick things up a whole three notches with, you guessed it, Mama Ru's specialty... Lip-Sync for... Your... LIIIIIFE! Althought, in this instance, since it is a Halloween party, it would be rebranded, for one night only, Lip-Sync for Your AFTER-LIFE!
With the tremendous success of Lip-Sync Battle on Spike TV, you can expect my guests to have the time of their lives "getting into the groove" and trying to outdo one another to a variety of songs from RuPaul's collection of tunes from RuPaul's Drag Race including, but not limited to, Roar by Katy Perry, Cold Hearted by Paula Abdul, and Glamazon by RuPaul, which you can purchase now on iTunes (shameless RuPaul product placement).
In the immortal words of RuPaul, when it comes down to the lip-sync, "Good luck... and don't f*** it up!" The only thing greater than Gordon Ramsay telling someone off in the kitchen would be RuPaul telling some tragic mess at my party to "sashay away."
VIP #4 - SAM
This may seem like an odd choice at first glance... I mean, why would I invite a demonic creature prone to violent outbursts to my Halloween party?
Easy. To enforce the rules of my party and the rules of Halloween in general.
You see, that's Sam's whole purpose in the film Trick 'r Treat. He punishes those who break or do not abide by the rules of Halloween, which consists of wearing a costume, handing out candy to trick-or-treaters, and not blowing out the candles on a jack-o-lantern before midnight. Aside from parties that don't have adequate food, the other thing I hate the most is a Halloween party (or any theme party for that matter) where people don't arrive in costume.
For real, what's the point? If I'm providing a place to crash, booze, food, music, and a toilet that you can later blow your chunks into, the least you could do is run to K-Mart and buy a mask or wear a bed sheet! At this party, Sam would be my diminutive bouncer making sure that the traditions of the holiday are carried out.
On a plus side, I wouldn't have to pay him much, the little dude is totally obsessed with chocolate. I call that "winning."
So, as you've seen, I have everything pretty much planned out. RuPaul and Beetlejuice will be providing endless entertainment, Gordon will be a culinary storm in the kitchen and will most likely provide his own brand of entertainment, and I have adorable little Sam to help me keep people in line. Who else could I possibly invite to make this an even more awe-
VIP #5 - MALEFICENT
Look, I'm not even sure if this would be something Maleficent would be into. I mean, she is the Mistress of All Evil, right? She's seen it all! No way would she feel compelled to come to my little party filled with British cooks and drag queens, right?
Forget it, I'm still inviting her, I'm not taking any chances... we all remember what happened the last time Maleficent wasn't invited to a party!