Any decent nerd worth their salt has heard about the infuriatingly tentative, maybe Friday, but probably Monday date for Star Wars: The Force Awakens ticket sales. Surprisingly (but not shockingly because money), there will be a pre-sale for a SEVEN-MOVIE MARATHON that I'm almost positive will be just theaters full of Doritos, pee bottles and sadness. (Side note: WHAT THE HELL. I mean, the only reason you would want to relive the crippling disappointment of seeing Episodes I, II and III in theaters is either because you're an unrelenting masochist or one of those people no one wants to talk to for fear of getting into an awkward slap-fight over the importance of trade embargoes.) After that, tickets most likely won't be released until after the official theatrical trailer premieres on Monday Night Football because clearly, us Star Wars devotees will...be watching sports? I don't get it either, but it could technically happen at any moment and OH CRAP, IT'S BEEN 11 MINUTES SINCE I'VE CHECKED OH GOD. OH SWEET, MERCIFUL GO- oh, never mind. Still nothing.
So, I am responsible for buying the tickets for my group of friends because, clearly, I can't handle the anxiety of putting someone else in charge of this. Also, everyone else has one of those "real jobs" that require them to work on Mondays and I dick around on the computer all day, so if I mess this up I lose my friends.
Since we all know the ticket-buying process is going to be like a thousand Black Fridays that were jettisoned into a black hole and came out the other side as an omnipresent life-force hellbent on destroying humanity, I'm sure there are many of you out there experiencing a pressure that is similar to mine. Or perhaps you just really want to see this movie ASAP so you can go on social media again without fear of some dickbag you went to high school with ruining it for you.
Whatever your reason for sitting in front of your computer and hitting refresh so long it becomes a war crime, feel free to steal any of these ideas to entertain yourself while you refresh Fandango every ten minutes or so. I'm here to help, people.
1.) Reorganizing everything in arm's reach. Visual clutter can be the devil either by tempting you with prolonged distractions or giving you something to stare at while your mind wanders towards contemplating your destiny as a hoarder. Basically, I'm just moving stuff around until it feels right. (Bonus- I found a fresh pack of Orange Tic-Tacs that I don't remember buying in my drawer. This is a good start.)
2.) Binge on The Office for the skrillionth time. Carell, not Gervais. The BBC version usually drives me straight into the arms of Jacky Daniels and I need to focus, dammit.
This show is ideal because at this point, I could probably perform seasons 1-7 as a one-woman show, so I don't have to watch it diligently. You can substitute this with any show you need to, but I recommend this show because you're probably dead inside if you don't love it.
3.) Order enough take-out for the day. Don't be depressed when they give you enough utensils for several people because they figure more than one person has to be eating all this food. They just don't understand our struggle. Pro tip: Fool the delivery guy into thinking you have company by blasting a podcast in your bedroom and shutting the door. He'll assume you're having a cultured discussion among, you know, friends.
4.) Play "Beat The Clock." Literally. Out of courtesy to you guys, I waited a bit before stating the obviously: Porn. There's only so much internet you can surf before you eventually turn the photos around and find some porn. But since we're checking in at ten-minute intervals here, you can't get lost in your sauce. (Ew. Sorry.) So make it fun while you can. Time yourself. Rest a little and try to best that time. See if you can get it down to 2 minutes. Any less than that and you should stop before you cause any irreversible damage. That should easily kill, like, seven to ten hours during this gauntlet of will power.
5.) Addictinggames.com Pretty self-explanatory. Stick to the more mindless, easily-to-pause games like Bloons or Sky Freaks. You'd be straight-up amazed at how much of your life you can waste on this site. Or maybe not. (Just a heads up- this website will definitely make your computer run at melt-your-pubic-hair hot, so DO NOT set it directly on your lap while playing these games. Especially if you want children in the future.)
6.) Micro naps. Because when has taking a page out of Kramer's playbook ever gone wrong?
7.) Stalk an ex. Just like porn, this will inevitably happen if you've been on the internet long enough. Try to pick an ex that you know is NOT doing better than you. Given our current condition, this should limit your options, but self-esteem boosts will be hard to come by for a while. Embrace it however you can.
8.) Make many pots of coffee. There's no excuse for not liking coffee anymore. Have you seen the kinds of creamers they have out there?
That is CINNABON. FLAVORED. CREAMER. For crying out loud, think of anything you enjoy eating. French pastries? Girl Scout cookies? CANDY BARS? Get on board. This crap will keep you awake and alert for Star Wars tickets because that's the whole point guuuuuuuuuuurlllllllll wow I drank a lot of Thin Mint coffee.
9.) Call your mom. Or Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Dick. Whatever you gotta do, let your loved ones know you're thinking of them. Or just let someone know you're kind of okay. Plus, all that coffee will put you in top conversational mode.
10.) Um...I guess just start stacking things. Hey, you try occupying yourself in a chair for three days straight.
I hope this list helps, friends. May the force be with us all.