I recently watched a screening of The Last Witch Hunter and it got me thinking about dangerous trees. In the film there is a "plague tree" that is home to a witch queen and it is probably the worst thing ever. In honor of that jerky tree I've compiled a list of trees that I would not want in my front yard.
1. The Last Witch Hunter Plague Tree
Why? - It wants to kill everyone.
It would take up tons of acreage and would spell doom for humanity. Another negative is that you would have to deal with constant influx of crusaders looking to burn it down. Good luck having the fire department trying to put out a "plague tree" fire.
2. The Evil Dead Tree
Why? - You know why.
If this tree was in my front yard I could probably never have visitors.
3. The Ernest Scared Stupid Tree House
Why? - Attracts too many trolls.
How annoying would it be if you built a beautiful tree house then learned an evil troll was using it to rouse his minions. A child's worst nightmare.
4. The Harry Potter Whomping Willow
Why? - You could never park your car in the driveway.
I understand the positives of the tree but it is way too unpredictable to have in your front yard.
5. The Sleepy Hollow Tree of Blood and Summoning Power
Why? - Nobody wants to deal with what comes out of it.
The last thing you need is having a headless horseman jumping out of the tree and attacking your dinner guests.
6. The Wizard of Oz Jerky Slap Tree
Why? - They are grumpy fellows who complain when you eat their fruit.
You are giving it free rent and you can't eat its apples. That is not a fair deal.
7. The Poltergeist Tree That Attacks Little Children
Why? - Total jerk.
Kids already have enough nightmares. Why would you add a tree bully who is up to no good and loves property destruction?
8. Pan's Labyrinth Toad Tree of Gross Bugs and Toads
Why? - Yuck
I love Pan's Labyrinth but I wouldn't want this tree on my lawn. Too many curious people would visit and I don't want to deal with Toads who offer immortality in their bellies.
9. The Conjuring Tree That Evil Witches Hang On
Why? - It would always make people feel weird
I know people wouldn't be able to see what was hanging on the tree but I wouldn't risk it. Everyone would look at it and think it was evil.
10. The Guardian Tree Who Sucks People Into it and Can Bond With Evil People
Why? - The tree eats people.
If you move into a house I suggest you check each tree to make sure it hasn't eaten any babies.