ByAndrew Brindley, writer at Creators.co
Film reviewer, comic book fan and all around movie watcher.
Andrew Brindley

Movies involving monsters, demon possession or returns from the grave revolve around the viewer putting aside their questions of rationality and increasing their suspension of disbelief. After all, it's a monster movie, right? If you're going to have completely fictional and over the top characters in a film, what's the point in looking for logic? Well, that's true, yes, but you also have to have some rules in your fiction based universe or nothing makes any freaking sense!

This is where Monster Squad fails miserably. Because it's not enough that we have to suspend our disbelief, but now we're supposed to go along with plot hole after plot hole--you know what, this movie is utter garbage. Nothing makes any sense even in the confines of its own logic and reason. The monsters are totally wasted and the characters are one dimensional.

Here are some issues that my friend and I noticed while watching the film.

Massive Plot Holes

The portal (that we're told is the means to defeating Dracula) is said to absorb all evil. So why does it absorb Van Helsing or Frankenstein at the end of the film? Weren't they good guys? Also I guess it only absorbs supernatural evil, because otherwise it would've sucked up all criminals and psychopaths, right? What defines evil in this universe? It never specified that it only sucked up supernatural evil, also it sucked up a 2,500 pound truck, but not a 15 pound bench. Are objects evil? Dracula would have won if not for these massive plot holes.

Kid just happens to find Van Helsing's diary at a garage sale. Like, really? the writers couldn't come up with anything better?

The diary is written in German, which makes no sense since Van Helsing spoke English. Anyway, the kids just happen to conveniently live next door to a creepy old German man who will read them the diary.

At one point Dracula is about to kill the kids, but one of them just happens to have a random slice of pizza wrapped in tinfoil that conveniently has garlic on it. The writers didn't even bother to set this up. I wouldn't have as much of an issue with this if they showed a scene where the kids go get pizza earlier in the movie. This one slice of pizza saved the day.

The amulet (that Dracula needs to obtain in order to reassure his existence) is protected by an array of crosses and silver. While these things deter Vampires and Werewolves, they don't deter Mummy's or Creatures from Black Lagoons. Why didn't Dracula have one of them retrieve the amulet?! If the kids never even got involved, Dracula never would've been able to retrieve the amulet and had a chance of winning in the first place!

The kids need a virgin to read the command to call the portal, but nothing ever mentioned that the virgin needed to be a female. Why didn't or couldn't any of those boys read it? They had a 4 year old girl in the first place, but instead spend time black mailing some female teenager into reading the command. It turns out she's not a virgin and they end up having the little girl read the command anyway. Why didn't you just do that before?!

Inconsistencies

This movie is full of offensive and totally inappropriate material for its intended audience of kids. It has stererotypes, references to Nazi concentration camps, immense crude humor and profanity, some implied nudity, sex references, the subject of divorce and violent murders all in one. Who was this movie made for? Kids? Adults? Teens? It feels like it was trying to reach all age groups but fails on all levels and the result is a movie made for no one. In my opinion little kids shouldn't watch it due to the profanity and topics of sex. Adults won't take interest due to it being a "kids movie" and teenagers won't like it due to the lack of enough profanity, sex and violence.

Redeemable Scenes

There are two scenes in this movie which are done well. The first being when all the monsters unite in a swamp and stand together. This visual is iconic to the classic Universal Studios Monster movies from way back when.

The second great scene is the Werewolf's regeneration scene. After being blown to kingdom come by a stick of dynamite, the supernatural being pulls its limbs back together and becomes whole once again. This was the only scene with any reasonable gore.

Both of these scenes are just well done, yet small moments, from an hour long crap fest that isn't worth anyone's time except reviewers like myself.

Overall, the movie makes no logical sense, even in the universe it's set it. The monster aspect of the film is wasted, as none of the monsters do anything meaningful. The Werewolf jumps around and punches people. It never does Werewolf style things, however. It doesn't tear anyone's throat out. The Mummy does nothing but walk about until it's defeated in less than a minute. The Frankenstein monster chokes out no one, but is instead a friendly giant. The Creature of the Black Lagoon crushes a dude's head, but is shot and killed seconds after. All the monsters move slow and pose little, if any threat.

Monster Squad is one of the worst movies I've seen in a while. Disappointing, illogical and insulting to fans of the classic Universal Monsters, Monster Squad is a huge letdown and a massive failure that barely deserves a rating of 3.5-10.

Is Monster Squad a classic of nostalgia or does it leave a lot to be desired?

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