Murder, death and mayhem are the staples of any horror film, another major aspect that brings us back time and time again...Rank Stupidity. While any kill is a worth while endeavor and the corner stone of horror water cooler talk. It is the Darwinistic stupidity and the resulting deaths of those barely out of the primordial ooze that keep us coming back for more. There are, at the very least, 5 mongoloidish decisions that always spell doom for those undeserving of making it to the credits.
1. Keys (That's Right. The number one dumbass way to get your dumb ass killed)
In a world of key chain tasers, mace and the stainless steel eye poker, there is no reason that they should be our undoing. Apparently, these people have never watched a horror film. If you think Michael Meyers is two blocks behind, this is not the time to go on a joy ride. This creature can walk faster than you can run, fly, teleport, glide or sled. He will catch you, they will all catch you. If you have a solid lead, run into a stranger's house, let him get distracted and run like hell.
Hey, I am as big of a fan of cinematic sweater cannons as the next guy, but those knockers are going to ring in the doom of a would-be heroine with the hair raising tones of an ominous church bell striking midnight. The well endowed and the easily lay-able are always the first to go. The bigger your rack the quicker you're sacked.
3. The Basement: Or Investigating Any Strange Noise
Fucking Scooby Doo logic. If I walk in bombed after a night of drinking and failed attempts at getting laid and I even remotely hear a noise from the basement, I very calmly put a chair in front of the door, grab a bat and stay at the neighbor's. It defies all logic to investigate upstairs, the basement, a room you never go into, the backyard, or a mysterious knock. Leave sounds alone. Best way to survive, live in a 200 square foot studio apartment with no windows and one point of entry on the first floor. If the door is ajar, well, dumbass, run really far away.
4. Being the Hero (a.k.a. Thinking You'll Get the Girl or Front Page of the School News Paper)
Like a 6 hanging out with a bunch of 3s to look hotter at a dive bar, this is why I hang out with the obese, the handicapped and generally unathletic. In the event of a "run for your life" situation, I don't even need to trip anybody, just out run the cannon fodder. Being the hero in the midst of a maniac wielding a chainsaw, a machete, a knife, a shovel, backhoe or even a tube of bologna is stupid. The only thing these deranged bastards seem to hate more than boobs are pretty boys trying to save the day. Don't be a hero, run for your life, survive and deliver a touching eulogy about how much you loved the girl. Then get laid and land the front page.
5. Tight Spaces, Stuck Windows, Jammed Doors, Tunnels, ANYTHING YOU CAN'T FIT THROUGH!!!!!!
Horror logic dictates that if one door closes a window will open half way. If it looks like you are going to escape, you aren't. We all know that the horror ends in a final bloody confrontation with the flat chested virgin and the killer. Dumbwaiters, windows, roofs, elevators, tunnels, alleys, closets, hallways, done. Escape is ultimately futile, especially if you are one of the last ones standing. Hell, most times the killer is waiting to drop the hammer, or you, down the shaft.
Keep your eye on survival this Halloween, kiddies. Of course there are more stereotypes that spell doom, but these are some of my absolute favorites. So this holiday, take an Uber, strap the girls down, stay in public, don't be a hero and avoid tight spots, unless of course she is in a naughty nurse outfit, and even then, you are taking your life into your own hands. So enjoy it this year, my friends, hopefully, you will make it and if not, go out like a champ.