ByJashan Boparai, writer at
I'm guessing this whole thing came up in conversation and now you're here looking for proof. Contact me at [email protected]!
Jashan Boparai

For the time being, we don't have amazing superhero themed candy (but we're so damn close, I can feel it), so we have to pair our favourite (or least favourite) candies with our least favourite (or favourite) superheroes! Let's begin, shall we?

Spider-Man - Red Licorice

Spider-Man swings around all day with his webs, right? If he was in the jungle, he'd be swinging around on vines, so through some ~superb math skills~, webs = vines. A popular brand of red licorice is . . . Red Vines! Therefore, as the math shows, Spider-Man would be red licorice.

Superman - Skittles

Of course Superman gets Skittles! The all-American hero gets the all-American candy! Aside from that, both of these things have an "S" imprinted on them, a surefire way to ward off trouble.

Batman - Dark Chocolate

Bitter. Dark. Sweet, but not really. Mysterious (like who the hell wants this...?). I think we can all agree that Batman just screams dark chocolate. Just like that night in the alley, it was meant to be. And no, I'm not going to apologize for that.

Iron Man - Kinder Surprise

Kinder Surprises are everyone's favourite. At least in Canada they are. Some Americans might not know what they are because of certain laws against these delicious, egg shaped candies. In short, it's a hollow chocolate egg the size of your wrist that has a little container inside. After voraciously eating your way through the chocolate, you pop open the container to find small pieces and a rolled up instructions booklet. You put your brain to work and make whatever you're supposed to, whether it's a car, animal, or super-boring top. Doesn't that sound exactly like Tony Stark? I mean, the brainy stuff is literally protected in a shell. Just like Tony Stark is protected in armour.

Green Lantern - Bubble Gum

Green Lantern can make anything with his Power Ring, but for some reason, we usually just see a bubble (in non-offense cases of course). What else can you make a bubble with (that can be green)? Bubble gum! The only difference is that Green Lantern's sprouts from his fist as opposed to mouth. That's it. No other differences.

Hulk - Jawbreaker

An indestructible force of nature. Can you guess who or what I'm talking about? Ha! Trick question, it's both! Although we've yet to see Hulk roll around and hop into someone's mouth, jawbreakers and Hulk are one and the same.

The Flash - Hot Tamales

The Flash runs fast and leaves a trail of fire behind him as he goes. Hot Tamales make you run fast and leave a trail of fire behind you. Someone should tell Barry that he can just shove a fistful of 89 cent candies in his mouth to get superpowers instead of dousing himself in chemicals and getting struck by lightning. God, what an attention seeker.

Captain America - Lollipops

Close your eyes (but still read this). Now imagine Captain America holding a lollipop. The lollipop has a round top right? Okay now picture this: the lollipop's top has been replaced by a teeny, tiny version of . . . Captain America's shield! Maybe that's how Civil War ends: Steve Rogers quits his Captain America duties, returns his shield, and makes a deal for lollipops shaped like his shield to be mass produced for sufficient income. I call this Captain American't.

What do you think?


Which pairing sounds the most deliciously accurate to you?


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