*IF YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO SATIRE OR SNARKINESS, PLEASE STOP READING IMMEDIATELY*
Superman against Batman, you know it's gonna be lousy...
Why, you ask ? Well I'll tell you why - the masses of expert fanboys have told us so. And if there's anything we fanboys know : fanboy judgement is always better than the film crew's, actors', comic book company's , and film studio's. Second, if it's a fan theory, not produced by the fanboy jury of hipsters and self proclaimed experts in pop-culture, then it stinks.
Now, let's look at the top four reasons we need to hate and/or avoid this movie:
Who cares if it's Jason Mamoa (who has a background in playing royalty, warriors, and barbarians), or the fact this superhero can control sharks, giant squids, killer whales, and can bench press a tanker truck,survive bullets and sub zero cold. Let's also ignore the fact that his that his royal name is King Arthur, (Orin if you get technical),to us, it'sAquaman. We all know he's lame, everyone says so. Remember, the internet says he's lame so he's lame.
#2 WONDER WOMAN:
So what if the actress playing Wonder Woman, Gal Gadot, is of Mediterranean ancestry just like the comic book Wonder Woman. We don't care that she was in the Israeli Army and has a combat warrior's background, just like Wonder Woman. We all know that no matter how well she handled an action role in The Fast and The Furious franchise, she's gonna stink. And, so what if she has Lynda Carter's endorsement, and friendship. I mean, what does Lynda Carter know about playing Wonder Woman ?
#3 BEN AFFLECK AS BATMAN
Come on , it's Ben, freakin', Affleck. So he can he can act, direct, handle action scenes and is a life long comic book fan, what do we care. We had already decided on several Batmen, including Christian Bale, and BatBen was not one of them. Obviously we know better. So what if his age and experience blend well with an older, grizzled crime fighter? So what if he loves Batman? We didn't pick him so he's gonna be lousy!
#4 FAN THEORIES
Dang it, if we didn't personally pour over every old comic book we had, and produce our own private scripts, (we're writers too , ya know) it's not fun or right. We don't care that some fan is having some intellectual fun over a movie. We don't care that they base some of these theories on actual comic book stories, or that they want to get the fans thinking, we the collective of super-nerdom, keepers of all that is pure and good in our own minds,refuse to open them and believe anyone else cares about our stuff.
We're right and everyone else is wrong because the internet said so, and you're all wrong. It's because of you stupid people we can't have nice things, and why the expert comic book trolls of the internet need to unite !