Spoilers Warning for 'Scream Queens,' Episode 7
This week's Scream Queens had all the hallmarks of the show's signature ridiculousness: Murder schemes involving pulverized diamonds, men in bed with goats, and a Beatles 101 class. 'Beware Young Girls' finds Grace (Skyler Samuels) and Pete (Diego Boneta) pinning the Red Devil crimes on Dean Munsch (Jamie Lee Curtis), while the Chanels get a visit from one familiar ghost looking to break free.
But, this isn't any old recap. This is all about the absurd life lessons from the demented, hyperbolic minds behind Scream Queens.
Since it was a Dean Munsch-heavy episode, prepare yourself for crunching on some extra Munsch! Here are the 11 most outrageous things Scream Queens taught us this week.
1.) Funerals are the perfect time to insult the dead with a list of your grievances
Chanel #2's parents finally find out that she's actually dead, but they don't actually care. That means all bereavement responsibilities fall on Chanel #1, who doesn't hesitate to rake her nemesis over the coals for ruining her preferred strutting formation and sleeping with her boyfriend. There has never been a more honest eulogy.
2.) Not every horror movie is worthy of praise
Yeah, Scream Queens may pay homage to seemingly every classic scary movie out there, but that doesn't mean it's above taking a jab at some of the more recent ones. When the Chanels decide to contact the spirit of Chanel #2, Chanel has some strong words for the 2014 movie all about the Ouija board.
3.) Everyone's gotta know their brand
Gigi (a.k.a. the embodiment of a '90s kid) continues to seem legitimately insane. We already knew that she's involved with the Red Devil(s) somehow, and she appears to be leading the charge against the Kappa house. But before Gigi fans could chalk that up to a potential ruse.
Now, she's admitted to being a murderer, and she is supremely concerned with her trademark.
4.) Fashion victims are always prime suspects
In a flashback, Dean Munsch's husband leaves her for one of his younger and more alluring students, Feather McCarthy (played by Tavi Gevinson). So, naturally, Munsch stalked the kooky co-ed by wearing all her signature looks.
5.) Sociopathic seductresses offer the most relatable words to live by
Dean Munsch is, once again, the paragon of ethics. Just kidding, she continues to be one sadistic and mysterious figure as well as the worst Dean of Students ever. Sadly, her wily ways got her put away in a straightjacket this time, but it wasn't long before she was scheming her way out.
6.) It's not Chanel #6's fault she has a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina!
Apparently, ghosts are real if they can count your feminine hygiene products. Who needs the Mystery Machine when you've got a plus-size box of Tampax?
7.) Mental hospitals are pretty much spas
The facility where Dean Munsch ends up may look exactly like Briarcliff from American Horror Story: Asylum, but it's full of whacky and artistic characters! Case in point: This wide-eyed woman who paints everyone she sees. In this scene, she accosts Grace and Pete with their very own portrait.
So, what's her significance? My money's on revealing the truth of Gigi's past. We know Gigi spent time getting evaluated in a mental hospital for being stuck in the '90s, so this lady must have painted her.
8.) Hell really sucks because there are no dinosaurs
Chanel #2 visits Chanel #1 in a laxative-induced fever dream and tells her all about her time in Hell. She's not getting Eiffel Towered by Hitler and Satan like Chanel #1 originally thought, but she is enduring water slides lined with razor blades that end up in boiling pee.
Oh, and she immediately asked about all the dinosaurs, which were apparently rounded up by Jesus. It's absurdity like this that keeps me coming back to Scream Queens.
9.) Everyone has a hidden talent
Munsch is an artistic genius, and this was the funniest visual gag of the episode.
10.) You can find evidence in the most unexpected places
To turn Grace and Pete against Feather and get her on the hook for murder, all Munsch had to do was invoke her free-spirited aversion to shaving. And next thing you know, Feather's the one that's getting carried away in a straightjacket while Munsch is enjoying a nice Shiraz at home.
11.) There's a reason clichés are so enduring
Munsch used the Red Devil killing spree to off her ex-husband and frame the woman that stole him (with a bologna sandwich of all things). It's starting to seem like there's nothing this woman can't do, a quality the show also extends to another character: Chanel #1. Could this be signaling the final face-off will be between these two alpha-females?
Overall, this episode had no significant deaths and little movement toward the big reveal. With only five weeks left, I'm hoping to see some of the main cast meet their end, but I'll definitely stick around for these ridiculous weekly lessons.