ByKatie Granger, writer at
MP Staff Writer, come to bargain.
Katie Granger

The world of online video games is truly a wondrous place. For every years-in-development Fallout 4 there's a Goat Simulator, for each massively open-world The Witcher 3 there's a Dinner Date. It's a brilliantly eclectic world online and with open source fuelling development anyone can learn to design and program a game if they put their mind to it.

Keeping all this in mind, the Gabe Newell Simulator is the newest outlandishly brilliant game to pop up on this radar.

The Gabe Newell Simulator puts you in control of Valve MD and co-founder Gabe Newell, a towering figure in the gaming industry, developer of the Half-Life series and the Steam platform itself. The game synopsis is as follows:

"Gabe Newell Simulator is a game for those who have always dreamed of being the glorious PC Master Race Gabe Newell! You can impersonate Gaben and help him in his fight against other companies and make the decision to release Half Life 3 or not, and this will have drastic consequences in the whole universe! Explore the different rooms and corridors of Valve Corporation (many inspired by real ones), the secret lab and... their space station!"

The game's synopsis pokes fun at Newell for his outspoken preference for PC gaming over consoles and on-going flame wars with Microsoft - the company at which he made his first million, and puts the player in the hands of the decision to release the long awaited Half-Life 3 (oh if only).

The horror
The horror

The Half-Life 3 debacle has been on-going for eight long years, and it currently looks like fans of the series aren't ever going to get a conclusion to the story of Gordon Freeman and Alyx Vance. Newell has been very evasive over the years about whether or not we're ever going to see the game, but his recent comments haven't filled anyone with hope:

"The only reason we'd go back and do like a super classic kind of product is if a whole bunch of people just internally at Valve said they wanted to do it and had a reasonable explanation for why... If you want to do another Half-Life game and you want to ignore everything we've learned in shipping Portal 2 and in shipping all the updates on the multiplayer side, that seems like a bad choice."

Well screw you too Newell, it's not like we've been getting our hopes up for eight years or anything. Nope. We're cool. You enjoy being a billionaire and leave us plebs to it.

As you can see in the trailer, the Gabe Newell Simulator features a choppily rendered Gabe Newell dressed in a version of Half-Life protagonist Dr. Gordon Freeman's HEV suit, exploring the empty Valve offices and outer-space alike, shooting down alien antagonists with middling prejudice.

According to the Steam synopsis the key features of the game are as follows:

  • Funny bugs! I will delete only the bugs that ruin the gaming experience, fun ones instead will remain!
  • Easter eggs! There are already some easter eggs in the game and finished early access there will be many more
  • You can watch for hours the face of Gabe
  • You can release Half Life 3
  • You can eliminate forever Half Life 3

As far as trolling goes this is a pretty elaborate way to go about it, especially considering that it's hosted on Newell's very own Steam (how did it make it onto Steam by the way?). But it's also kind of brilliantly sad, as this is likely as close as we're ever going to get to actually seeing Half-Life 3. Sigh.

The Gabe Newell Simulator is currently only available through Steam Early Access as the game is still in development, but for the low low price of $2.99 you can experience it in all it's unfinished glory.

Related: Sadly The Dota 2 Patch File "Tease" Is Likely As Close As We'll Ever Get To Half-Life 3; Left 4 Dead 3 Rumoured To Be Released Before Half-Life 3, But Will We See It At All?; Despite Reported DOTA 2 Teases It's Still Not Looking Good For Half-Life 3


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