ByDarren Teo, writer at
Born in Vancouver, raised in Singapore. Screenwriting Major at LMU's SFTV. Part time Seth Rogen body double.
Darren Teo

Ahead of the much anticipated release of Pokémon GO, an augmented reality game that simulates Pokémon existing in our world, I thought it would be appropriate to see what it would really be like if Pokémon did exist...

Warning: Explicit language/childhood destroying content ahead.

People would eat them

Have you seen how cows are slaughtered in America?
Have you seen how cows are slaughtered in America?

Let's be honest. It doesn't matter how cute they are. Pokémon are modeled after animals regularly found in our diet. So, unless the world decides to become unanimously vegetarian, we're going to kill and eat them.

Seriously. This one's a fucking ice cream cone:

Like... what the fuck...

Natural habitats? What's that?

Cool-looking Pokémon will be forcibly taken from their habitats and brought to zoos or sold into domestication.

And what about the others?

Lapras AKA water-Über.
Lapras AKA water-Über.

Pokémon with practical skills or abilities conducive to manufacturing will be exploited as cheap labor.

And the super ugly, useless ones?

This Pokémon is literally made out of garbage. Like...what...?
This Pokémon is literally made out of garbage. Like...what...?

Probably killed, to be honest. Or just driven out of society and left as stateless refugees.

Religious anarchy

Religious groups who don't believe in evolution would probably take issue with the fact that almost every Pokémon 'evolves.'

Also, I'm pretty sure a lot of them would be pissed about this dude:

This asshole is described in the game as the 'God Pokémon: Creator of Worlds.'


Collapse of modern science

Imagine being a scientist and then suddenly, these sentient animal-type things pop up everywhere.

This guy is a genetic mutation with psychic abilities which render every law of physics invalid.

Pokemon training would probably not become a thing...

Seriously, imagine your kid going up to you and saying "Mom, Dad, I've decided to quit school and become a Pokémon master!"

Firstly, you're a terrible parent if you'd let your adolescent child travel the globe catching and fighting with feral animals. And sure, let's say your kid does make it all the way and become a Pokémon master...

Then what? Being able to control your assortment of electric-mice isn't going to pay your mortgage. You're going to end up jobless and probably have a substance-abuse problem.

Team Rocket? Well... not quite.

Every Pokémon is equipped for combat. Would you really be surprised if they were weaponized?

Honestly, I'm pretty certain ISIS would be the first to recruit fire breathing dragons and shit.

And like:

This Pokémon is a sword. IT'S A FUCKING SWORD.

People will try to have sex with one of them

To get these pictures, I searched "human-looking Pokémon" on google...

And the results were... interesting...

And then I scrolled down...

Don't do it. Just don't. It's traumatizing. Who the fuck spends their time drawing erotic Pokémon art?! SERIOUSLY?!

Clearly there's a demand for it... imagine all the weird STDs...

Gotta catch 'em all I suppose...


Latest from our Creators