The solid gold sleigh bells of Gwyneth Paltrow's gilded Christmas delusion train have finally rung in my favorite festive treat, and if you were worried that Goop's gift list had dropped the silver spoon that is surgically embedded into its gums, I can reassure you that this is definitely not the case.
While I am 100 percent sure that Gwyneth is totally trolling us all by now and is very knowing about just how insane her Christmas list is (and, I kind of love her for it), it's still fun to imagine that this festival of rampant consumerism was developed totally in earnest.
So, if burning money on a $1,995 garden pizza oven is totally your bag, I have broken down the 13 most insane items on the list so you don't have to get your servant to do it. You're welcome!
Bizarre on a Budget (lol)
1. Vagina Steamer - $59.99
Whoever wrote the phrase "we all love yoni steaming" on the Soul Vibrance website clearly hasn't met me.
2. Heated Stadium Seat Cushion - $69.99
I feel like Gwynnie should probably go to the doctors about her chilly genital area because I'm seeing a pattern here...
3. Condom Dispenser - $42
Okay, I'll admit it, I actually kind of love this one. Ain't nobody got time for clumsily thumbing a box when the heat is on.
4. Rosewood Handled Truffle Slicer - $40
See above for the poshest words I have ever typed.
5. Ostrich Head Pillow - $99
I defy you to imagine Gwynnie ramming her head in one of these for a quick nap without upchucking. Impossible.
6. Tatcha Gold Massager - $195
Apparently this is a facial massager, but I'm not convinced.
7. Toothpaste Squeezer - $244
For the delicate upper crust fingers that would simply perish if they had to touch budget plastic.
8. The Standard for Joséphier Toilet Paper- $956
I never thought I would be categorizing $956 crapper roll in the midrange category, but you haven't seen the rest of this list yet...
9. Vintage Ball and Chain - $1,500
I have no idea either.
High End Hysteria
10. Gilded Playing Cards with Leather Case - $2,300
What is the point in gambling if you can afford these bad boys?
11. Hermes Mah-Jong Set - $46,000
Don't hate the game, hate the player.
12. 18K Gold Dumbbells - $125,000
When two cans of beans squirreled away from the kitchen just wont do.
13. A Trip to the Edge of Space - $90,000
For the person who has literally bought everything on Earth already.
Oh Gwyneth, never change!