Content is everything, isn’t it? Right? You’ve got to have a product before you actually have a checkout lane, a cashier, a microphone that can make announcements through the whole store, and a register that better be goddamn balanced at the end of your shift, you strange, metaphorical cashier, who might also be me! I’m off point. Sorry.
The other day I was watching “The Longest Week” with Jason Bateman, Olivia Wilde, and Billy Crudup. I’m pretty sure it used to have a different name when they were advertising it, like when “Live. Die. Repeat” was called “Edge of Tomorrow” (and either way, great movie. Watch it.), but I don’t have concrete evidence of whatever the original title was.
Either way, I was watching “The Longest Week”, an anemic Wes Anderson… I guess homage? Imitation? Rip-off? Whatever. It’s actually not a bad movie for a night with a $4 bottle of red wine. Billy Crudup, Jason Bateman, and Olivia Wilde are actually great at what they do. The movie is slyly charming, and… Anyway…
After the credits began rolling NETFLIX said, “Hey man, I can see you there. You drank a whole bottle of wine. You’re splayed out on the couch thinking about the writing, and creative shit you should be doing. Really you’re half paying attention to the Imgur gifs you keep popping open, and the television. Fuck it man, chill out. Here’s another movie.”
So, “Save the Date” started playing, and I just let it go. Martin Starr, Lizzy Caplan, and Alison Brie. One of those weird “hipster” rom-coms that keep getting dumped to VOD and Netflix. You know, they usually have one of the “Freaks and Geeks”, a couple people from “Party Down”, maybe someone from “Community” or “Parks and Rec” or “The Office”, a Dax Shepard type, some old guard 70′s character actors playing the parents, and maybe an SNL alumni. The plot is usually about pregnancy/abortion, marriage, friends not wanting to talk about how they’re falling in love with each other, maybe a funeral, lots of post collegiate ennui, usually very white, but not in the white like I am white. Like not piles of broken down machinery in their yard white, but how will I ever pay back that bank loan white. There are lots of brunches. There are lots of glasses of wine. Usually it takes place in 6 locations: coffee shop/diner, boys and girls apartments, the sidewalk, bar/nightclubs, place of work, and random outdoor activity. Usually hiking, or the beach. Maybe they get on a small boat or a hot air balloon. Skinny dipping in a lake anyone? We’re in our 30′s and smoking pot! What’s the craziest thing we can do in this grocery store? Let’s have a real conversation during yoga.
The movie wasn’t actually half bad. Lost itself in the 3rd act though. Good performances from most of it’s cast. Interesting dynamics. Started too early in the story, ended in the wrong place, and didn’t focus on the most engaging parts of the plot.
So. That finished and suddenly NETFLIX was like, “It’s cool dude. I got this.” and started playing “About Alex”, which kind of fits some of those things I listed (and also has a great, in a hilariously bad way, photoshopped poster). A really confusing, weird “The Big Chill” kind of movie (shot in my backyard), that had no idea what to do with the cast it had (that fits some of my check marks), or what the point of its story was. There was some kind of gay subtext that I think they cut out all together. Fuck that movie.
The next morning when I woke up (afternoon) I realized… NETFLIX will just keep feeding me like an automatic pig slop trough of celluloid images. It will just keep shoving shit down your gullet. For some reason if you’re engaged in a television show, NETFLIX will pause like a concerned friend, “Are you still watching this?”, but with movies NETFLIX has a big shovel, and it’ll just push that shit into your brain throat without a care in a world for nutritional value.
Completely pointless algorithms will keep playing movies! SOMEONE HAS TO EXPLORE THIS! I MIGHT BE SOMEONE! I’m not. But I do a fantastic impression of a someone. I own a hairbrush and everything!
Back to having a product. I can do this. Sometimes I’ll live tweet a movie much to the joy of absolutely nobody, but the bottle of booze I have on hand. But I don’t care who is listening, or reading. I just have fun, like honest to god fun getting shit faced and watching whatever lands in my lap. I am a pop-culture nerd, and I haven’t yet got the courage to launch my podcast yet. (Come 2016 though, you’ll all be sorry). I do need a gym.
-THE RULES -
1. Starting with the first movie, I will follow NETFLIX wherever it takes me… EXCEPT–
2. If NETFLIX offers up a Television show as the next suggestion. I will instead take the next suggestion on the “Recommended for You” list at the end of the movie.
3. I will only watch 2 movies max, a produce an article about each.
4. I will pair each movie with beer or booze, and it will part of the article.
5. I will keep up a weekly schedule until something or unless something comes up that disrupts that schedule.
Those are my only rules right now. I have the first choice up to a vote, and “Twins” is winning, which means I probably have a bunch of Arnold Schwarchanegger in my future. I also should learn how to properly spell his name.
Well. Here we go. Let the Movie Play.