ByHeather Snowden, writer at
Lover of bad puns, nostalgic feels and all things Winona. Email: [email protected] Tweet: @heathbetweetin
Heather Snowden

Gwyneth Paltrow, the woman who once said, "I'd rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a can," is somewhat of a crowd divider when it comes to her totally deluded perception of reality. And, although I enjoy her personal brand of crazy and would be intrigued to experience what it's like living on her planet, there's a chance she may no longer be there.

This past weekend may have marked the day Ms. Paltrow returned to reality, as a group of thieves consciously uncoupled her from $175,000 worth of jewelry on sale in her Goop pop-up store in Manhattan.

The incident, which the NYPD are dubbing "a grand larceny" reportedly involved three males who entered the store and then somehow wrenched open a jewelry cabinet and made off with a number of pieces including a vintage Bulgari bracelet valued at $106,000.

Now, while I'm not in any way advocating theft, I can't help but think that a little bracelet is a bit of a boring option when perusing all the insane goodies Goop has to offer. So, I've gone back through the list of items on their Christmas Gift Guide, and with $175,000 to play with, here's what the thieves could have taken if they'd had their priorities straight:

2883 Vagina Steamers

RRP: $59.99 each

Its not easy to find a chair with a hole in the seat, and often times vaginal steaming chairs are large, expensive and difficult to store. Vibrant Souls has a solution! Our Devi Steam Seat™ is just that, a yoni steaming seat!

As the website Vibrant Souls points out, it can be a real pain in the vagina trying to find the perfect chair for one's steaming needs. I'm not sure how long the warranty lasts but with nearly 3,000 of the things, all your nether needs would be sorted for the foreseeable future.

You'll need to buy the 'steaming herbs' separately though.

717 Toothpaste Dispensers

RRP: $244 each

This clever chrome plated brass device by specialist manufacturers Cedes Milano ensures you get the most out of your toothpaste, every single time.

Getting every morsel out of your toothpaste is such an arduous task, and to be honest, cleaning the toothpaste dispenser would be a real bore too, so if you were to take loads of them you could just chuck each dirty dispenser in the bin to save wasting any energy at all.

70 Year Membership at 'The Cultivist Museum Club'

RRP: $2,500 per year

We are The Cultivist, the world’s only global arts club offering uniquely privileged access to every aspect of the art world.

The Cultivist makes your journey through art effortless and enriching. With a single card, you glide through museums, galleries and art fairs worldwide: no tickets, no bookings, no complications.

Because fuck queuing.

1.9 Trips to the Edge of Space

RRP: $90,000 per trip

This two-part adventure begins in 2016 with a behind-the-scenes invitation to a World View test flight. The Miraval Resort in Tucson, Arizona, is home for three nights; spend your days with the flight's chase and recovery team and tour Biosphere 2 with original crew member and World View CEO Jane Poynter. In 2017, you and five companions will experience 360° views of Earth as a high-altitude balloon lifts your luxury pressurized capsule 100,000 feet above our planet.

Harder to steal, but worth the risk.

1 Set of 18K Gold Dumbbells

RRP: $125,000

Hock Design effortlessly combines form and function in these stunning Goldloft dumbbells. Crafted with precision-turned handles of rare Grenadilla wood and 2kg worth of 18k gold per dumbbell, this set is an opulent workout accessory, investment, and truly modern objet d'art for the home.

Eh... why not.

Source: Guardian, ET, MP


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