ByRicky Derisz, writer at
Staff Writer at MP. "Holy cow, Rick! I didn't know hanging out with you was making me smarter!" Twitter: @RDerisz.
Ricky Derisz

It's almost Christmas. I know, I know. You don't want to be reminded. There's still a lot that needs to be done; presents don't buy themselves, after all, do they?

No, we all know Santa delivers presents to all the good children at Christmas. And we all know the story of Santa being a generous Saint, the unassuming dude from the North pole who likes drinking sherry and generally being an all round good guy.

Well, that's not quite how DC Comics see Santa. Oh no. In fact, DC has been pretty bloody brutal toward St. Nick. How brutal, you say? Extremely brutal, I retort.

Just take a look at these three times DC took on Santa, and Santa most definitely did not come out on top:

1. That Time His Powdered Skeleton Was Snorted Like Cocaine

Comic: Hellblazer Vol. 1, 247

Perpetrator: Constantine

Constantine is a maverick who doesn't give a single sh*t. Combine that with a dogged attitude and a desire to do anything to get the job done, and you come up with a pretty brutal storyline featuring Santa.

You see, Constantine had a bone to pick with St. Nick – he required the dusty, skeletal remains of Santa as part of an ancient ritual that would be used to yield information on the Laughing Man.

Rather than dismissing this as a lost cause, Constantine travelled to Italy, broke into Santa's crypt and exhumed his decomposed corpse.

Foreseeing that getting a skeleton through customs could prove problematic, he reduced the bones to dust and managed to convince customs the powder was garden fertilizer.

The detective/maniac then performed the required ritual. Enough is enough, right? Constantine didn't get his reputation for nothing. He didn't leave it there. Instead, he proceeded to snort the powder as if it were cocaine, while nonchalantly muttering one of the best Christmas related puns possible:

"Looks like it's gonna be a white Christmas after all"

2. That Time He Was Kidnapped For Giving Crap Presents

Comic: Cancelled Comic Cavalcade Vol 1, 2

Perpetrator: Seal Men

We've all received Christmas presents that we aren't thrilled with. Maybe a poorly knitted sweater, or a pair of ugly socks. Either way, we grin, we bare it, and we thank whoever gave it to us. It's the right thing to do.

Not for the Seal Men. They were so annoyed by the 'inappropriate' presents they got one year, they decided to kidnap Santa. Talk about being ungrateful! This then led Jed Paulsen and the Sandman to rescue St. Nick from captivity.

Just like the good guys they are, once they'd saved Santa, they also saved Christmas and helped Santa deliver his presents. What good guys.

3. That Time He Was Decapitated By a Hitman Hired by the Easter Bunny (Oh, and Rudolph gets shot, too)

Comic: The Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special

Perpetrator: Lobo (hired by the Easter Bunny)

Don't feel bad about the title – in this version Santa is Kris "Crusher" Kringle, a slave driving evil bastard who has an army of elves whom he starves to make small in stature and short on temper.

Lobo is an alien bounty hunter and mercenary (and incidentally also one of Stan Lee's favorite creations). He's hired by the Easter Bunny, of all people, to kill Crusher Kringle.

The two battle it out, with Lobo eventually emerging victorious. He decapitates Santa in cold blood. Then, to add insult to injury, he walks outside and shoots Rudolph. HE SHOOTS RUDOLPH! WHY?! WHHHYY?! My childhood! Ruined! Forever!


Snorted, kidnapped or decapitated... Which storyline is the best?

Source: DC Wiki


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