You might wanna sit down for this one, folks.
We've all seen Fifty Shades of Grey and read E.L. James' books. We know what Anastasia Steele looks like, right? In the novel she's described as having pale skin, "innocent" powder-blue eyes slightly too big for her face, a slim physique and, atop her beautiful head, a "haze" of long, dark chestnut colored hair.
So far, so typical beauty standard.
Prepare to be broken by a terrible truth, because it seems our dear Ms. Steele may in fact be blonde when she returns for more masochistic Grey love in Fifty Shades Darker.
Our eagle-eyed friends Fashion & Style have questioned whether Dakota Johnson's new, lighter locks could be a sign that James Foley, who's coming on board the Fifty Shades franchise to direct Darker, could be planning to use Dakota's new look to take Ana is a surprising new direction.
Bear in mind that her brown hair is a big part of Ana's appeal to Christian - at one point he confesses a desire to "whip little brown-haired girls that look like my mother", which is not disturbing at all, unless you possess an ounce of sanity.
The question posed, therefore, is: is a blonde Anastasia Steele even remotely whipable? Christian already has a clutch of ice cold blondes working for him, and all of them seemingly bore him to death. That's why he never goes to Scandinavia. (OK, I made that bit up.)
Here's how Dakota looks as a blonde, just to jig your memory...
For my money, that's far more flattering than the brown hair, but when what do I know? My own hair is so criminal I'm practically a fugitive.
Realistically, does the new, blonde 'do mean anything for Fifty Shades Darker? Probably not. It won't start filming until February time, and even if she's still blonde by then Johnson could always use wash-out dye for filming. Then again, it could be a platinum plot twist. Guess we'll just have to wait and see...
Whilst we're on the topic of the Fifty Shades of Grey sequel movie, here are a few things we probably can expect from Darker...
1. "Kinky f*ckery"
We've all been speculating for months about how deep the sequel will mine the well of sexual chemistry shared by Johnson and Dornan. Remember this quote from the book?
"Do you want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?" My mouth drops open. "Kinky fuckery?" I squeak … My inner goddess is down on bended knee with her hands clasped in supplication begging me. "I like your kinky fuckery," I whisper.
The clasp one's hands in supplication is to pray, just in case you've never had a brutal head-on collision with a thesaurus. TL;DR: vanilla is out, food during foreplay is so in.
2. Christian gets really sad
Christian Grey may be a domineering presence in the bedroom, but he's a real human being, which means he has emotions too, you guys, and sometimes he gets real deep. Like this...
"I'm anything but fine. I feel like the sun has set and not risen for five days, Ana. I'm in perpetual night here."
Quick, somebody fetch the violin! Only a sad tune on a stringed instrument can appropriately score Christian's epic, nocturnal sadness.
3. A Kardashian easter egg?
On page 104 of Darker, Ana rues the day she fell for somebody who is "crazy with a capital K".
Why, oh why have I fallen for someone who is plain crazy - beautiful, sexy as fuck, richer than Croesus, and crazy with a capital K?
Considering the recent speculation that Kendall Jenner is being tapped for a role in the film, could we all have missed an epic Kardashian easter egg?
(Credit to Carlos Anguis for the brilliant header art.)