BySandra Harris, writer at Creators.co

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 7- THE NEW BLOOD. 1988. A PARAMOUNT PICTURE. DIRECTED BY JOHN CARL BUECHLER. PRODUCED BY IAIN PATERSON. WRITTEN BY DARYL HANEY AND MANUEL FIDELLO. MUSIC BY HARRY MANFREDINI AND FRED MOLLIN. STARRING KANE HODDER AS JASON VOORHEES. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©

I feel a special affection for Jason Voorheees, the axe-and-knife-wielding maniac who haunts Crystal Lake in search of horny teens to dismember, eviscerate and disembowel. Being a mom myself, my natural instinct is to fold the poor drowned misfit to my ample bosom and pet his ugly head. I guess I feel like he’d be a nice civilised member of society if only he had a mother’s love and guidance and not just her severed head in a shed somewhere. Ah well. Things are what they are.

In this episode of the franchise, Jason is chained up at the bottom of Crystal Lake to begin with. In a shocking turn of events, he is accidentally revived and freed by a teenage girl, of all things. This is no ordinary teenage girl, however. Wait till I tell you what her deal is.

Carrie White, oops sorry, Tina Shepard, has telekinetic powers not unlike the aforementioned Carrie’s. She’s back at Crystal Lake with her mom and shrink to try to face up to her guilt about unintentionally killing her abusive pops in the lake with her powers when she was a nipper. Crikey. That’s a lot of baggage to be carrying around.

Any-hoo, the Shepard ladies, plus unscrupulous shrink, arrive at Crystal Lake just as the horny teens next door are planning a surprise birthday party for their friend Michael. Thing is, though, Michael and his curly-haired girlfriend are both horribly murdered by Jason in his inaugural act of slaughter after Tina zaps him back into life. If you can call it life.

Seriously, all Jason ever thinks about is killing. He’s not even back in business five minutes before he’s attacking teens in the woods again. No wonder he doesn’t have a girlfriend. ‘Sorry, honey, I can’t have dinner with your parents tonight, I’ve got to stalk and kill a bunch of young people in the woods in ever more inventive and imaginative ways…?’ He’d be single again before you could say ‘Honey, did you wash my hockey mask? It’s not in the laundry basket! And where’s my machete? I told you I was gonna need it this evening…! Honey? Honey…?’

Anyway, a bloodthirsty Jason cuts his usual bloody swathe through the young people gathered for poor Michael’s birthday party. Some of the deaths are hilarious, as you might expect. One poor Plain Jane gives herself a hideous ‘Eighties makeover in the hope of getting some action (yes, I do mean sex action!), only to find that Jason Voorhees is the first man she meets and the last man she ever sees. Now, that’s ironic, Alanis Morrisette…!

I worry about Jason, though, I really do. He encounters a naked girl in a sleeping bag in a tent in the woods and what does he do? Does he even attempt to peek at her boobies or have a sneaky feel of her booty? He does in his arse. He rolls her up in her sleeping bag and wallops her off a tree.

Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. He’s hopeless, isn’t he? Has anyone ever even sat down with him and explained the facts of life to him? It certainly doesn’t look like it. That boy ain’t right. That boy needs therapy. He needs something, anyway. Preferably, someone to tell him that boobies are for kissing and booties are for spankies. Well, in my own humble opinion anyway, heh-heh-heh.

The culmination of the film sees Tina pitting her considerable mental powers against Jason’s supernatural ones. I must say that it’s quite cool to see Jason battling someone who can match him trick-for-trick for a change. Tina is a young one with her wits about her and the final showdown is great fun. It’s Beauty Vs. The Beast. Has the Unkillable One finally met his match…? We shall see.

The reveal of Jason’s face is unexpectedly shocking. He’s bloody hideous. I mean, he is seriously butt-f***ing-ugly. Still, at least he’s hiding his grotesque visage behind a stylish hockey mask instead of the Elephant Man-style vegetable sack he sported way back in the early days. It’s a step up, anyway.

If it weren’t for his ugly mug, he’d be quite tidy-looking, in fact, with his sturdy figure nicely squeezed into jeans, jacket and boots. Nice body, shame about the face, haha. This film is a cracker and essential viewing for all fans of the Masked Scourge Of Horny Teens And Assorted Others. Watch it. End transmission…

AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.

Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based performance poet, novelist, film blogger, sex blogger and short story writer. She has given more than 200 performances of her comedy sex-and-relationship poems in different venues around Dublin, including The Irish Writers’ Centre, The International Bar, Toners’ Pub (Ireland’s Most Literary Pub), the Ha’penny Inn, Le Dernier Paradis at the Trinity Inn and The Strokestown Poetry Festival.

Her articles, short stories and poems have appeared in The Metro-Herald newspaper, Ireland’s Big Issues magazine, The Irish Daily Star, The Irish Daily Sun and The Boyne Berries literary journal. In August 2014, she won the ONE LOVELY BLOG award for her (lovely!) horror film review blog. She is addicted to buying books and has been known to bring home rain-washed tomes she finds on the street and give them a home.

She is the proud possessor of a pair of unfeasibly large bosoms. They have given her- and the people around her- infinite pleasure over the years. She adores the horror genre in all its forms and will swap you anything you like for Hammer Horror or JAWS memorabilia. She would also be a great person to chat to about the differences between the Director’s Cut and the Theatrical Cut of The Wicker Man. You can contact her at:

[email protected]

https://www.facebook.com/SandraHarrisPureFilthPoetry

https://sandrafirstruleoffilmclubharris.wordpress.com

http://sexysandieblog.wordpress.com

http://serenaharker.wordpress.com

https://twitter.com/SandraAuthor

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