They're literally every-freaking-where right now! Seriously... You can't look up "funny cats playing pianos" without indirectly clicking on one link after another that will inadvertently lead you to a massive story spoiler. We are less than two days away from the main opening of the film and audiences here and all over the globe are shivering with anticipation. Some of those fans, loyal to the cause, will keep the many secrets of Star Wars 7: The Force Awakens to themselves, while others will struggle (or not) to do the same. I use to have a friend who's Mom could afford to take him to the movies every weekend and he reveled in sharing all the devastating secrets from Revenge of the Sith to X-Men: The Last Stand. Not this time, Bobby, I'm going to help others avoid people like you.
Because I care so much about you - the fans - who like me didn't bother to pre-purchase tickets several months in advance, I've managed to gather a few simple yet helpful tricks to avoiding these criminal injustices.
1) Shut Your Social Media Off
Facebook is the - and will most certainly be - absolute worst following Friday's big premiere. All over the world, people will be crying out about how much they loved that scene that reveals every secret that J.J. Abrams has kept so well hidden up until this point. Twitter won't be any better. Trust me. If you think someone can't possibly spoil an important plot in less than a hundred and forty characters....you are dead wrong.
(R+L=J, am I right?)
2) Stay Away From Blabber Mouth Friends
Nobody likes a Bobby. But everyone has one. These types don't care that you've been waiting thirty years or so for a truly fantastic Star Wars film, they really just don't. They like to torture and revel in the fact that they saw it first. However, if you're lucky, they will invite you to come along when they go to see it. In that case, the only problem will be figuring out a way to get them to shut up without losing your ride home.
3) Use Google Chrome
Google is just being so awesome right now. They've actually implemented a new extension in their browser that blocks all incoming Star Wars spoilers. For those of us that have been using the browser for many years now, it's only an added bonus to something we hold very near and dear to our hearts. To others who may still be in the olden times of Safari, Explorer, and Firefox....well, snooze you lose.
4) Don't Watch The News (Morning, Afternoon, or Evening)
It's not their fault. Most of them don't watch half the movies they say they do. And they'll inexplicably and accidentally reference something that happened in the film that really blew the audience's socks off and then BAM: Spoiler. It doesn't matter which station, they'll all do it. It's not their fault, they're just a little stupid when it comes to this stuff.
5) Obviously: STAY OFF OF YOUTUBE!
People can't help themselves. They'll do anything to get a couple hundred views. Even if that means disguising an innocent looking review of [Star Wars: Battlefront](tag:2684021) that just so happens to have a lead-in discussion about The Force Awakens. It happens a lot more often than you might think. You have been warned.
6) Cannot Stress This Last One Enough: Don't Click On Something that Says "SPOILER ALERT"
Nobody knows the lure of evil more than I. It is beyond tempting to just answer every question you've ever had with just a simple tap of your finger. I've ruined more than a few TV series finales that way. But, as a recovering spoiler seeker, I'm here to tell you that you are not alone. And I promise you that the wait is soooooooo worth it in the end. It is so much more rewarding than you could ever possibly imagine.
Take my word for it, I know what I'm talking about here. Stick to my instructions and I promise, you will be well on your way to a spoiler free lifestyle.
Star Wars 7: The Force Awakens opens in theaters everywhere on December 18th.