ByPaul Donovan, writer at
A jerk with an opinion. An explorer of transgressive cinema. See more things about movies at
Paul Donovan

With movies like this, I wonder if Marvel is trying to destroy its reputation. Or if 20th Century Fox is trying to destroy Marvel's reputation.

1. When it comes to bad movies, there are four main types: a) Movies that are cheap rip-offs of other movies b) Movies that are boring or full of generic story ideas c) Movies that don't understand the topics they're talking about d) Movies that have stories that just don't make sense

Fantastic Four manages to combine all four of these fantastically bad movie types into one shameful mess.

2. It's basically a rip-off of X-Men. It's about a grade-school kid named Reed, who understands quantum physics. He joins with his junkyard friend Jim and makes a teleporting machine in his garage. Instead of telling anyone, he just saves it for a few years and enters it into the high school science fair.

3. Reed and Jim get recruited to a genius school and meet some other kids. Some more stupid stuff happens, and the four kids teleport to a different dimension. When they discover that the ground is unsafe to walk on, they walk on it for awhile and then Reed dips his hand into some green lava, which makes the ground explode and gives them all superpowers.

4. The sorriest superhero in the movie is The Thing. For a big tough guy made of boulders, all he does is pout and whine. And the superpowers of the others don't make sense. Like, when Reed gets all stretchy, how come his clothes get all stretchy, too? When Johnny Storm lights himself on fire, how come his face doesn't get burned off? And why is there some kind of nuclear explosion in his skull?

5. Like most of these kinds of movies, there are trite sayings like "Separate we are weakest, but together we are strong!" and "We can't change the past, but we can change the future!" There's also a fake Einstein quote. And there are tons of meaningless sentences that are supposed to sound scientific; my favorite is probably "His biochemistry is off the charts!" The movie should have premiered on SyFy, right before the new Sharknado movie.

6. It was kind of directed by Josh Trank, who directed the surprisingly decent Chronicle. But there were apparently huge disagreements between Trank and 20th Century Fox about what kind of movie to make. The studio ended up ignoring Trank and making changes without his permission.

As a result, Trank slammed his own movie so people wouldn't think this piece of trash was his fault.

7. The biggest mystery of the film is the casting. The main four actors are excellent. Michael B. Jordan killed me in Fruitvale Station, one of the best movies of 2013. Miles Teller starred in Whiplash, one of the best movies of 2014. Kate Mara is excellent in "House of Cards", and I've loved Jamie Bell ever since Billy Elliot in 2000. I mean, these are real actors. I don't understand how they ended up in this amateur movie with bad special effects where nothing really happens.

8. Every ten minutes or so, the movie does something even more boring or stupid than before. Maybe someday people will discover that Marvel tells the same stories over and over again, and they aren't very creative in the first place (and yes, this movie features yet another inter-dimensional portal that threatens to destroy Earth).

9. Eventually, the sheer incompetence of the whole thing pressed me into my seat so I could barely move or stay awake.

But the fact that the movie almost put me to sleep is the only thing that partly saves it. This is one of the worst movies of 2015, but I was so bored that I didn't even care.


What do you think? Do you feel sorry for Trank, or was it still a decent movie? Add some more points below!


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