ByPaul Donovan, writer at Creators.co
A jerk with an opinion. An explorer of transgressive cinema. See more things about movies at https:[email protected]_donovan
Paul Donovan

I can't even.

1. The biggest mystery of 2015 is why Netflix chose to make this movie. This is one of the worst movies of the year.

2. The first time I tried watching this movie, I couldn't finish it. I figured it was because I was sober. But when I watched it under more appropriate circumstances, it didn't get any better. I watched the whole thing, but not because I liked it. I was just daring myself to finish it.

3. The title is a shameless attempt to capitalize on the Quentin Tarantino film The Hateful Eight, but has nothing to do with that movie, except that it's a Western. The plot of the movie (like it matters) is that six dumb guys all discover that they are half brothers, and they try to find $50,000 so they can rescue their father, who is being held by a gang of outlaws.

4. The movie is really a series of jokes. It tries to be one of those movies that is so ridiculous that you can't help laughing. I laughed about three times.

5. It has a big cast of recognizable stars: Adam Sandler, Terry Crews, Harvey Keitel, Steve Buscemi, Nick Nolte, David Spade, Jon Lovitz, Jon Turturro, among others. The second biggest mystery of 2015 is why any of them agreed to be in this movie. The only explanation I can think of is that they all sold their soul to Satan to become famous, and now Satan is calling in his favor.

6. I respect it when sexy movie stars take on roles to leave their sex-symbol status behind. But Taylor Lautner destroys his sexy reputation so completely that I will never be able to watch another of his movies without thinking of the scene when a donkey gives him a... well, never mind.

7. Vanilla Ice plays Mark Twain. Mark Twain says "word up." Oh, and one of the characters in the movie is a donkey with explosive diarrhea. This should tell you a lot about the movie.

8. The movie is kind of sexist and racist towards Native Americans. The women have names like Smoking Fox, Beaver's Breath, and Never Wears Bra.

9. Recommending this movie to anyone should count as a form of bullying.

Am I being too harsh on this film? What parts did you think were funny? Add some more points below!

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