ByPhoenix Mangus, writer at
Comedian, DV filmmaker, Writer, Cinephile, and performer in a rock-comedy band, there is a lot to know about Phoenix but he's too lazy to wr
Phoenix Mangus

So, there was just a knock on my door. I answered it and it was Barack Obama!!!

"Yes sir?" I said.

"Well, it's come to my attention and the knowledge of all Americans that you are harboring an official Ride Ryder carbine action, range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that which tells time. Is this true?"

I glanced at the entourage of white men in black sunglasses and spiffy suits surrounding him and decided it was best to tell the truth. "Um, yes, yes I do. It is the greatest gift I've ever received."

"Understandable there, um Phoenix, but what all America wants to know, what I'd like to know is this..."


"Can I use it to shoot these empty champagne bottles left over from my dawg Biden's Rip-Rolling New Year's Eve party?"

Looking over the president's shoulder I noticed one of his posse was holding a large box. The holder tilted it back and forth slightly so I could hear the tinkling of glass against glass.

"Dude, only if I can join."

"As expected as that was, I may need to go to Congress and get permission for such an activity."

Silence. I raised an eyebrow at him and gave him a look which said, "Really?"

He stared at me with all seriousness before breaking down and laughing.

"I'm just kidding, I don't talk to any of those bitch ass n****s. I'm the fucking POTUS, damn it! Give me five!"

Obama raised his hand up and I immediately gave the Commander-in-Chief five.

"All right," he said, "let's go shatter some bottles!"

"You hungry, sir? I have snacks."

"America thinks snacks are quite righteous."

"America is right."

"But hopefully not for long! Amiryte?"

I lolled.

As we turned away to go to my backyard we both heard a little phrase come out of the mouth of one of Obama's secret service detail...

"Careful, sir, you don't want to shoot your eye out."


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