ByPhoenix Mangus, writer at
Comedian, DV filmmaker, Writer, Cinephile, and performer in a rock-comedy band, there is a lot to know about Phoenix but he's too lazy to wr
Phoenix Mangus

This morning it was announced that the Great Dark Lord M. Night Shyamalan, Destroyer of Worlds and Eater of Happiness, will be taking over and creating new episodes of HBO's horror-comedy anthology series "Tales From the Crypt." When asked why he wanted to resurrect the famous 90s television show, The Dark Lord Shyamalan responded, "Remove yourself from my presence, you lowly journalist, or I shall destroy your childhood."

Later, at the Dark Lord's castle, overlooking Disney Land, Shyamalan spoke through the dead body of Aang, the Last Airbender: "We all have loved this show and as a result it is time for me to place my own hand upon this genre and, by sucking all the fun and logic out of it, will make it mine. For eternity."

Dark Lord Shyamalan went on, the rotting corpse of Aang twisting unnaturally thirty feet above the crowd of hooded Hollywood producers, "My worlds purposely make no sense and are built solely for the sweet, beautiful twist I put into everything. It's like that movie I made with the aliens. The alien race knew they were deathly allergic to water but they still chose to invade a planet that is 90% water. Since I am the all great one, it did not matter, I laugh in the face of common sense because I knew it was such a wonderful and surprising twist."

After a brief rattle of chains, the weak voice of an imprisoned journalist squeaked out from a grate coming from the Dark Lord Shyamalan's intricate and vast underground dungeon complex, "How did 'Wayward Pines' get to be so good?"

Aang's body stiffened, the voice bellowed out at a ear-shattering decibel, "Who dare ask questions at my press conference?!?" After a moment, the mind-bending voice of the Dark Lord continued, "I cared not about it, I merely threw money and the bodies of the diseased at that show while I kept busy eating all copies of the book it was very loosely based on. But what about that twist, huh? Beautiful AND surprising."

Asked what may be coming in the future for the Dark Lord and his Binding Edge Production company, Shyamalan ended the meeting with this, "I will continue to find the most beloved stories to make my own as well as write my own non-nonsensical tales, all in an effort to turn the denizens of this dimension insane. Once that is accomplished, I shall suck out the brains of humanity with a crazy straw. I bet you didn't see that one coming!"


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