ByKenna Rylan, writer at

Spoiler alert. Spoiler Alert. SPOILER ALERT! Spoiler Alert: Alert. Spoiled.

I was finally able to watch the new Star Wars: The Force Awakens (mom life) and I have to say, I was wholly impressed with the entire spectacle. I know that Star Wars lifers (I am married to one of you, by the way) have far more profound, in-depth, canticle legends of fandom scrolls--you could fill with both cheers and jeers on the matter (and I have been subjected to all of it, mind you) but as a person with a deep appreciation for the films that may at times, but mostly not--bleed into the dark corners of fanaticism: I enjoyed the hell out of it.

Not that I do not love you "ALL IN" fans... You truly complete me.

See, I am Fan Girl by nature, which invariably means that my mind rarely stays on course when submerged in the flavor-filled excellence of whatever mechanism of wonder is spilling over it: be it giant heaps of space-action, swords, knights, superheros, magical what have-you, or dragons... (If they placed dragons within the context of Star Wars, my head would implode) but, I digress. What I am trying to say is: my mind cannot sit still-- it becomes a streaming, mindless bog of ooh... aweeee, with the occasional sprinkle of cave-man-text-thought "WTF!"

Accio Lightsaber... Get the picture now?

Below are the running thoughts I encountered while watching Star Wars: The Force Awakens.


  • That sloth scene in the Zootopia Preview BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
  • My husband is tearing up and it is just the opening credits! Damn, he's sexy.
  • Poe Darren (why is it that every time a name is announced in this movie it is mumbled?) I like you. Yep, I am clearly on your side.
  • Kylo Ren. Okay. I do not hate you because I can tell already you are a multi-dimensional character, but why is your face covered? Is this prescriptive like with Vader or more of a running Dark-side Fashion statement?
  • BB-8, you're cute. Where is R2-D2?
  • Everyone in this movie is either crazy-young or really old!
  • Finn. Yep. As in turns out, most characters named Finn I tend to fall in fan-like with: Finn: Great Expectations. Finn: Glee. Finn: my unborn child because she ended up being a girl... Phineas... WHY DID YOU CANCEL Phineas and Ferb? HUH? JEFF SWAMPY MARSH? But, really: his character is quite fun, added a twist to the story line and I appreciate the humor he added to film. Instafan.
  • Rey: yeah, there is something up with you. Are you Skywalker's little girl? Honestly, it took me a while to warm up to her, but Disney won. Again.
  • The Moment Kylo Ren took off his helmet: (mmmmmh?) teenagery-Loki looking dude... Not too scary. Looks like he needs a hug of some-sort. Oh, okay--so, you do not need the helmet. Got it. Tribute? "Help me be like the grandpa I've never met..." But for some reason, I do not dislike you--on the premise, I am not yet convinced you are actually a villain to be feared.
  • Please, do not ask why--but I feel like he has feelings for Rey. Sorry. I do... And this will mean something to his story line. Shippers? No?
  • Kylo Ren: Oh, I see. You're dad is, wait... but you look nothing like either of them! I don't get it. At all... But you still look like you need a hug. Come here.
  • Millennium Falcon: Swoon.
  • Han Solo: Harrison Ford is epic, period. But as the story culminated, it was easy to tell from a literary point of view what his fate would be: and thus, while it was expected and most likely definite, I still pretended he fell into a vat of carbonite before his heart stopped beating and is preserved--only to be awakened at a later date.
  • Obviously Snoke must be a relative of Voldemort, they are practically twins... I wonder if Bill Weasley realizes this (General Hux, you knew you recognized him) and if he is, this must mean that Dumbledoore is the second-cousin to Gandalf... Accio Lightsaber. Funny. "Wait Grey, what did I miss?" "I am not going to tell you, Kenna. Stop thinking about Harry Potter during Star Wars. It's treason." Silence. "But, it is Bill Weasley, Grey. Arthur must be mortified."
  • Snoke is all dismembered and broiled. He is obviously Vader's Force Ghost... er...
  • Gwendoline Christie: Girl Crush.
  • Winter fight scene between Rey and Ren: HELL YEAH (Rey and Ren... Luke and Leia hmmmm far reach? Perhaps. But so is kissing your sister... they went there before.)
  • Appreciated the dividing juxtaposition scene: cool metaphor
  • Why R2D2 are you just now waking up as if by magic???
  • Ending Scene of the final movie: SPOILER. BIG FAT SPOILER. She is walking. Walking. Walking. She is not emotional. Then, boom: she is a wreck, chest-pounding, teeth-gritting, distress... (that is weird) The robed man (who reminds be a bit of Tyrion Lannister) turns around and says nothing! (love the Old Ben-ness of it all) BUT SAYS NOTHING! and it is not climatic, because nothing has justified the emotional play-out of this scene less for nostalgia, in terms of what is being exchanged between these two... But is he upset? His expression indicates an inflamed case of acute gastroenteritis. Camera him (awkward look.) Camera her (more distress.) Camera him. Camera her (this reminds of the seven endings of LOR) Camera him. Camera her. End. Crickets. Weird-sauce. NOT ONE LINE? That was not stressful or epic. It was just plain, weird.

FINAL THOUGHT: OOOOOH, Grey. I want to see it again.


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