WARNING: VILLAINOUS, EPIC HEEL-LIKE RANT FORTHCOMING
Congratulations to my dear friend, Shane Moore. His favorite actor Leonardo DiCaprio is about to get his first Academy Award on February 28. For DiCaprio fans this must feel quite redemptive and a long time coming. Good for you DiCaprio fans. Your nice little actor is finally going to get his nice little trophy.
Here's something you need to know about me (if you don't already): I'm obsessed with winning. Frankly, it's the only thing matters. Anyone who tells you otherwise is probably a loser. Harsh? Maybe, but there really are no points for second place. As Val Kilmer so eloquently put it in Top Gun, "The plaque for the alternates is down in the ladies room."
In sports, winning championships is the only thing that matters. In business, beating the competition is all that matters. In the movie industry winning a five-pound gold statue is all that ... Let me stop right there.
Time to back up the truck a bit. Because you see the only thing that really matters at the box office is, in fact, the BOX OFFICE. The cash. The money. The green. The coin. The bank. The Benjamins. The bills. The bread. The cabbage. The moolah. The stacks.
I know how this must be coming off, right? I sound like a shallow buffoon who cares only about the almighty dollar. But let's think about this and try to keep up please. When an actor, actress or film wins an Oscar, who decides on it? Is it you? Me? Nope. It's actually the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and its 6,000+ voting members. A bunch of white people (94% of them in fact, so yeah, hooray for diversity) who more often than not end up voting for people who star in movies many of us have probably never seen. For instance, I know Adrian Brody has won an Oscar. Could I tell you what it was for? Gun to my head, no. Also, where is Brody now? Has anyone seen or heard from him recently? Is he still living? Same with Geoffrey Rush. Great actor. Know he won one. Definitely never saw the movie. Something about a piano I think. I'm pretty sure Daniel-Day Lewis won his first of three for some movie called My Left Foot. I honestly don't even know a thing about that movie. Is it about a man's left foot? If so, why? What was so special about his left foot? Did he kick a football with that foot? Did Lucy yank the ball away at the last minute and Charlie Brown his ass?
The point is I don't put a lot of stock in gold trophies when it comes to the movies. They're determined and awarded by a group of people who aren't really in touch with the prevalent demographic of moviegoers. And so that brings us back to the money. A movie's success isn't determined by an expensive bauble or a Rotten Tomatoes review. It's about the box office. The domestic gross. The international gross. And if you think I'm wrong, take a look at the all-time top 50 grossing movies. I bet you've seen almost all of them. Prior to this rant I looked at the list of the top 50 all-time worldwide grossing movies on Box Office Mojo and realized that of the top 50 I have seen 49 of them. Furious 7 is the only one I haven't seen.
And so this Oscar season while some of you celebrate trophy winners, I choose to celebrate an even greater accomplishment, achieved by the man who has given us two of the most iconic and beloved cinematic characters of all time in Han Solo and Indiana Jones, the incomparable Harrison Ford. Was he nominated for an Oscar this year? Nope. Has he ever won one? Nope. But Mr. Ford, by the basis of my argument, achieved something greater than any of these nice little trophy winners could ever dream of accomplishing: he took over the top spot on the all-time grossing actors list. His performance in Star Wars: The Force Awakens was everything we hoped and expected it would be. As a result it drove millions of people to theaters once again to see this legend reprise the role that truly put him on the map. Time and again Ford has delivered one great performance after another to throngs of moviegoing patrons across the galaxy and the proof is in the numbers. He may not have a gold statue on his mantle, but he gets to lay his head down on his pillow every night knowing that there is no performer the world would rather see on the big screen.
So while I tip my cap to the DiCaprios of the world for their Oscar nods, I say hats off to the one and only Harrison Ford. He may not have a gold statue, but there's no arguing that when it comes to getting your butt in the movie theater, he's worth his weight in gold.
#GOAT #TheMan #Han #Indy #KeepYourTrophiesIWantTheMoney #IveGotMyLove(OfMoney)ToKeepMeWarm
Brian K. Christina