ByThomas Butcher, writer at
I'm an independent filmmaker who enjoys watching movies just as much as I do making them. (duh)
Thomas Butcher

****If you somehow haven't contributed to the billion dollar plus, **** box office gross of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, I suggest you click away.

A long time a ago in a basement far, far away...

Kylo Ren grew up with the coolest parents in the galaxy; his mother a sensational princess and his father a galactic stud. Not to mention his uncle has the most recognizable name across the cosmos. Many would think that this would ensure various friendships with all kinds of alien life, especially with that of a female nature.

Sadly, Kylo's friends only get close to him so they can get close to the other members of his family. This is the equivalent to being friends with someone because of their money. It's all about the perks, and in this case the lame claim to fame.

Because of this, anyone who ever spent time with Kylo never really cared about him as a person. All they cared about was who he was related to. Eventually, the anger of no girl ever giving him the goods builds up to the point of him turning to the dark side. And that's where his distaste for his father begins, after all, his advice for him never really worked out with the ladies.

Have you ever held a lightsaber before?

Flash forward about a decade and Kylo Ren is now leading a movement fully encapsulated within the dark side. Surely by this point he's been able to seduce a stormtrooper's sister, right? Wrong. He didn't even get a text back from the Jawa he met on planet tinder.

All of this power and still no one found him attractive. This constant rejection is what leads him to start wearing a mask. "Women like mysterious men" he thinks to himself, "women like a deep voice". However, he never has a chance to utilize this concept because about a week later one of his own turns against him.


One thing leads to another and now Kylo Ren barely has any time to himself. He carries this frustration with him every minute of every day. Then in an odd twist, he finally gets to stick his lightsaber in something...his father.

Perhaps one day Kylo Ren will overcome this obstacle and make new babies for the next trilogy. But deep down he will always be nothing more than a rich stripper with daddy issues.


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