Guest writer Jaysen Wejebe is putting his own spin on a great skit that the Screen Junkies and Jon Bailey put out every week. If you haven’t heard of them, please do yourself a favor and look it up on YouTube. You will not be disappointed! So yes, everyone at The CineBros knows that The Screen Junkies do Honest Trailers. This is purely an homage piece. And... here... we... go!
The following trailer is rated “S” for spoilers. SPOILERS!!!
From J.J. Abrams, the man who made two feature length “Star Wars” demo reels, comes the most important film in history since Citizen Kane. "Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope." I mean, "Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens".
Take a journey back to the untarnished universe you grew up with before George Lucas took a huge steaming 16 year long dump on it and witness how everything… is pretty much the same.
Journey to the planets we’ve all been dying to see like Jakku, a desert planet populated by villainy and scum that’s basically just a reskin of Tattooine, that one planet Maz Kanata’s on that no one remembers the name to, and another planet that’s Hoth and Endor rolled up into one. This whole film is essentially every FPS multiplayer skin generator. Same characters, different skin.
Watch as all the iconic characters you grew up with come back for the “Friends” reunion we will never get. Witness Han Solo, the brave scruffy looking nerf herder who piloted the Millenium Falcon through the Kessel Run in 14 parsecs-
HAN: 12! (scoffs) 14.
I mean 12 parsecs and called the Force a bunch of mumbo jumbo, regret being the deadbeat dad you always knew he could be and take Obi-Wan Kenobi’s role as the wise old man who teaches our heroes everything they need to know for the next two movies. And cry as he totally gets Kenobied.
(Han and Kylo stand on the bridge and Kylo stabs him. He then falls off of the bridge.)
Not gonna cry…
Leia Organa, a princess who at this point really does not like to be called a princess; C3P0, the most pessimistic droid in the galaxy who got a new makeover.
C3P0: You probably don’t recognize me because of the red arm.
R2-D2, who just had to wait until after Han died to wake up from his beauty sleep; and Luke Skywalker, the whiny, annoying brat with big hair and a robot hand who grew up to be a total badass like his father and appears… for one minute.
(Luke stares at Rey and his lightsaber. Credits)
Wait what? Come on bro, there’s got to be more.
But now join a whole new cast of characters for kids to play as. Meet Rey, a young, orphaned scavenger on Jakku who looks nothing like Keira Knightley. She wants to leave her meaningless life behind and join the Resistance even though she never really says it and she really wants to stay home.
REY: I’ve never met a Resistance man before.
REY: I need to get back to Jakku.
REY: I’ve already been away too long.
So basically, she’s Luke Skywalker. Only without the whiny gene, big hair, and desire to join the Resistance. And she’s a girl. Come on guys, we all know she’s Luke’s daughter.
Along the way, she will meet Finn, a defecting stormtrooper who despite being kidnapped from birth and raised to perform genocide without question every day his entire life, is one of the most energetic, charming, overconfident, and downright likeable characters in the entire saga; BB-8, the adorable soccerball love child of R2-D2 and C3P0 who gives the greatest thumbs up in history; Maz Kanata, a tiny, elderly, smartass, but wise old alien woman who’s essentially the bartender version of Yoda; and Poe Dameron, BB-8’s guardian and the best pilot in the freakin galaxy who’s primarily there because he really wants to pork Finn. I mean did you see the way he was looking at Finn in his jacket?
POE: Is that my jacket?
POE: No no keep it. It suits you. (Slow down clip so Poe gives Finn the look)
Together, they will take on the evil forces of the Empi- damn it, I mean the First Order, a genocidal tyrannical government whose sole purpose is to rule the galaxy and destroy the last of the Jedi. Hm, sounds familiar. To do that, they will have to take on the combined forces of General Hux, a Weasley who really likes giving speeches.
HUX: This fierce machine which you have built, upon which we stand will bring an end to the Senate, to their cherished fleet. All remaining systems will bow to the First Order and will remember this as the last day of the Republic!
Captain Phasma, that silverplated stormtrooper you thought would be really badass from the trailers before realizing that she’s really just an extra that didn’t make it into the prequels because all she does is walk and talk.
PHASMA: FN-2187. Report your blaster for inspection.
PHASMA: The villagers, sir?
Supreme Leader Snoke, a really tall bald guy who doesn’t like standing up, and Kylo Ren, master of the Knights of Ren and commander of the First Order. Watch as he proves that any man born with Skywalker blood is destined to be a whiny, annoying brat with big hair who either grows up to be a total badass with a robot hand or an insufferable creep with a robot hand... like Hayden Christensen.
KYLO REN: You know I can take anything I want?
ANAKIN: I’m haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me.
Ugh, that’s enough. Only this time he’s got the most lethal temper tantrums ever.
FIRST ORDER GENERAL: We have no confirmation but we believe FN-2187 may have helped in the escape-
(Kylo activates his lightsaber and destroys the terminal in front of him)
KYLO REN: (upon finding Rey gone): No… (activates lightsaber, goes ballistic) NOOOOO!!!
(Stormtroopers stop upon hearing Ren’s tantrum. They slowly back away)
Don’t mess with the emo man.
But that’s not all. Alongside those four idiots, our heroes also have to contend with the First Order’s lethal new superweapon: Starkiller Base, a weaponized space station that’s essentially a bigger version of the Death Star, only this time it’s a planet that can destroy multiple planets at the same time and it officially continues the series formula of: a big ball, a bigger ball, a slightly bigger ball than that. But this time, there’s absolutely no way to take it down.
(A giant hole is made)
Absolutely no way…
(Poe goes in and fires at the terminals on the walls. He flies out of the exploding chamber.)
(The Resistance flies away as Starkiller Base explodes.)
BALA-TIK: Tell that to Kanjiklub!
So cry and piss all over yourselves for almost two and a half hours as J.J. Abrams covers familiar ground while giving us something that we’ve been dying to see for the past sixteen years: no Jar Jar. Man I can’t wait to see what the special editions have in store for us.
(Rey stands in the forest with her blaster. Instead of the sounds of Kylo Ren’s lightsaber, we hear Maz say, “The Midichlorians. They’re calling to you. Just let them in.”)
HAN: That’s not how the Force works!
Starring: Not Keira Knightley (Rey), Breathe, Man, Breathe (Finn), Gay Solo (Poe), Awesome Soccer Ball (BB-8), Darth Weasley (Hux), Captain Wasted (Phasma), Old Gollum (Snoke), Angsty Manchild (Kylo Ren), Phoning It In (Han), Also Phoning it In (Leia), GOD (Luke), A Wannabe You Are (Maz), Strike Three, You’re Out! (Starkiller Base), and THEY. FINALLY. HIT. (Storm Troopers)
Star Wars Episode 4567: The Force Repeats
Wait a minute, the only way Kylo Ren could’ve gotten Vader’s helmet is if he went down to Endor. Which means the Ewoks… damn J.J., that’s cold.