BySam Plank, writer at
"You have to be what you are. Whatever you are, you gotta be it." -Johnny Cash. Tweet a tweeter at my twitty twitter, @tw1tterintw1t
Sam Plank

We all know the man, the myth, the legend. Jesus Christ of Nazareth is by far the most recognizable name on the planet, and rightfully so. Who else was born of a virgin, through the holy spirit, and grew up to save all of humanity? Even if a person doesn't believe all that, the stories from the Bible are just too close to being historically accurate for, at the very least, Jesus himself to have not existed. If someone doesn't believe he was the Messiah, then it can be said that he was at least an awesome person. But him being the Messiah, that means that over the course of just 3 1/2 years, he performed all his miracles and did all his ministry. We basically get the same story from 4 different perspectives in the New Testament that covers those years, his miraculous birth, and how he survived pretty much the only babyhunt (like a manhunt, only the thing being hunted is smaller) in the history of the world.

His first recorded miracle was performed as an adult at a marriage in Cana of Galilee, where he turned water into wine (which would later inspire one of the best Johnny Cash songs of all time, by the way). So no miracles for kid Jesus. But here we have a miracle baby, and a miracle adult, so why in the world would there not be any accounts of his childhood? Other than the one story of his childhood in the Bible, in Luke, all we have to look at are other, less reliable, books that were written much later than the Good Book. So, here is one story that comes from The Source itself, and nine that are completely made up.

10. I Thought It Was Your Turn To Watch Him

Joseph and Mary might have been up for Parents of the Year award, had they kept a sharper eye on their boy. He grew up to be the savior of the entire planet, for His sake. But there was one small blemish on their record that may have lost them the nomination. In Luke 2:41-51, Jesus and his parents went on a roadtrip to the Festival of the Passover in Jerusalem. He was twelve, but they still must have had a crazy amount of trust in him, because when they left, he stayed behind. After a day of travel, they realized he was missing, and went back for him. Three days later, they found him chatting it up with religious teachers, blowing them away with his knowledge and understanding. What did he say when they asked him what he was thinking? He said he was in his real Dad's house, which for some reason, confused them. Did they forget about the little miracle birth 12 years prior?

This is the only recorded story of Jesus' childhood, from the Bible anyway. The last nine come from the Infancy Gospel of Thomas, and paint Jesus in a completely different light than the Bible, so please take them with a grain of salt.

9. It's My Sabbath and I'll Play if I Want To Part 1

From parts I & II of The Infancy Gospel of Thomas

It's a pretty well known fact that you're not supposed to work on Sunday. A whole boatload of us do it anyway, if we need to (or need the money), but back in Jesus' time, before he ushered in the new law, it was baaad bad bad. According to the Screwy Gospel of Thomas, kids couldn't even play on the Sabbath. When Jesus was 5, he was playing in a ford of a brook, making the waters clean, and collecting them into pools. He had clay to play with, so he did what any kid would do; he made sparrows. Some Jewish fellow saw him doing this, freaked out, and told his father about him, ignoring the 'snitches get stitches from the messiah' rule. Just when dad was about to chew his butt out, Jesus clapped and told the sparrows “Go!” They flew away chirping, and amazed everyone around them, which will be the same effect of pretty much everything Jesus does in his life.

8. It's My Sabbath and I'll Play if I Want To Part 2

From part III of The Infancy Gospel of Thomas

This is where the boy Jesus gets kind of mean. Another kid was standing there during the Sparrow Incident, grabbed a willow branch and messed up the pools of water Jesus had created. Jesus freaks out, asks the boy what the waters did to his evil, ungodly foolish little self, and straight up orders his body to wither like that of a tree. Obviously, the boy's parents had a talk with Joseph about their withered up boy, but according to Thomas the Hogwash Inventor, nothing came of it. Or, nothing worth writing about.

7. Watch Where Thouest Is Goeth-ing

From parts IV &V of The Infancy Gospel of Thomas

Not too long after the Withering Boy Fable, Jesus was walking through his village, and another boy, accidentally or purposely, ran into his shoulder. Jesus, going full Kardashian drama queen (never go full Kardashian drama queen) on him, kills him on the spot with the words “thou shalt not finish thy course.” Again, the parents of the boy expressed their concern to Joseph (where is Mary in all this craziness?) that his son went full Kardashian on their son. Joseph took him aside and scolded him verbally, to which Jesus replied, saying that even the Joseph was accusing him, it was the parents of the dead boy that were really accusing him, so what did he do? He struck both the parents blind, of course. Joseph grabbed him by the ear and “wrung it sore.” To which Jesus replied with some jibberish about seeking, finding, and vexing. Very perplexing.

6. The Student Becomes The Teacher, And Embarrasses The Crap Out Of The Teacher

From parts VI-VIII of The Infancy Gospel of Thomas

It's surprising that Jesus shrivels up one boy, and kills another, and they each get one or two verses, but this next one gets three. Basically, a teacher named Zacchaeus sees Jesus talking to his father like he does, and is somehow convinced he needs to teach him the alphabet. Jesus, being the Alpha and Omega, pretty much schools and embarrasses the teacher in front of all his other Jewish teacher friends. Zack tells Joseph that his kid has him all sorts of messed up, that his kid is not from this earth, and goes back to his other Jewish friends. Jesus, seeing this, laughs and lifts all the curses he laid upon the boys and parents in the previous verses.

5. Raising The Roof...And The Dead

From part IX of The Infancy Gospel of Thomas

It's not clear whether Thomas intended that last story to be of Jesus' first resurrection of a dead kid, or this one is the first. Jesus and some other boys were playing (what other boy would want to play with him after all this crazy stuff, anyway?) on the roof of a house, and one child fell off and died. This scared off all the other kids except Jesus, who hung around. The parents, knowing his track record, blamed Jesus for the death, but Jesus lept off the roof, and cried out to the boy, “Zeno, arise and tell me, did I cast thee down?” The little dead fella jumped up and said no, Jesus didn't kill him, but instead raised him from the dead.

4. Jesus Shows His Love By The Foot

From part X of The Infancy Gospel of Thomas

A young man was cleaving (google that if you need...I had to) wood, and somehow cut the sole of his foot with the axe. He was about to die from blood loss, when Jesus shows up, took ahold of his foot, and healed the dude. Again, totally goes against the Bible with the first miracle thing, but Thomas uses the whole “when the people saw what he had done, they worshipped him” line at the end of this verse.

3. How Much Wood Could a Good Dude Lengthen?

From part XIII of The Infancy Gospel of Thomas

Jesus was a carpenter; that is pretty well known, and so was his earthly father Joseph. A rich local man had ordered a bed from Joseph, but one of the pieces was too short. Jesus did what any good son would do, and stretched the wood out to the proper length. Immediately forgetting all the bullying his kid had done, Joseph kissed and hugged him, thanking God for giving him this child.

2. ...Aaaaaand, There It Is.

From parts XIV-XV of The Infancy Gospel of Thomas

Just when things were looking up, Joseph thought it was a good idea to send Jesus to another teacher. A few lessons later, and the teacher was where the other teacher ended up, only a bit worse. The teacher, getting ticked off at what he thought was Jesus' mouthing off, smote him right on his little head. Hurt and mad, Jesus cursed the teacher, and he fainted and fell flat on his face. Joseph, learning of this, told his mother to never send Jesus to another teacher again. Even though Joseph kept doing it. This didn't phase a friend of the family who was a teacher (there were a lot of teachers hanging around, it seems), who asked to take the boy to school. Joseph was nervous, and so was the teacher, understandably, but Jesus was happy to go with. Jesus did his thing, but this time, others gathered round and were marveling at the boy, who was not reading from the book so much as as speaking and teaching the teachers. Joseph heard the commotion, and fearing that all the teachers had been struck impotent or worse, and ran in. The teacher praised the child, surprising the holy spirit out of Joseph. Jesus heard this and was happy, and snapped his little fingers, healing all the teachers that had wronged him before. If he had a mic, he would have dropped it right before he walked out of the school like a boss.

1. Snakes On A Plain

From part XVI of The Infancy Gospel of Thomas

This story involves Jesus' brother (or half brother perhaps) James. Jesus followed James one day to go get fuel, bind it, and bring it back to the house. As James was gathering the faggots (Thomas' word, not mine...sorry to make you wince), a viper bit his hand. Jesus, in the nick of time, came to his dying brother's side and breathed on the bite, healing it and his brother. Not to let a good story just end with a simple healing, Thomas let us know that Jesus made the serpent burst. Blech.

Side note: after this story, there is a couple more bringing-back-to-life stories, which are followed by the first story on this list, the actual story of the 12 year old Jesus in the Bible. Thomas calls this verse XIX in his book, and ends it with this. Not quite sure if that's a good idea, but whatever.


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