Ah, Walt Disney. Not just a man with a creepy mustache and a weird thing for mice. He was also a role model, a visionary, and a great teacher of truths to our world. But what truths exactly did he teach us? What did I glean from watching his movies? Today we answer those queries. We lay to rest those demons. We rise up, for freedom!!! I mean… knowledge. We rise up for knowledge.
But seriously, you can… you can stay seated. It’s fine.
5. Eating fish is super evil.
Fish are alive my friends. They have hearts and souls and speech patterns and adorable Caribbean accents. Never eat fish. Ever. Stop it. That’s a person. Sort of. At least Finding Nemo had some fish that seemed fairly evil, you could just hope as you were filleting that fish that it had done something to deserve it. The Little Mermaid the fish were all these magical creatures who just wanted to stay under the sea and not be eaten by a fat human fat fatty fatterson like you!!
This leads us to a little acknowledged but extremely creepy train of thought wherein we must ask ourselves tough questions like, “In a world where a mouse can talk and feel fear why is Mickey Mouse eating a turkey????”
4. Collect everything you possibly can forever.
Ariel: the original hoarder. You want thingamabobs??? She’s got twenty!! But who cares, no big deal, she’ll get more!!! She wants to have no personal space, she wants to keep, wants to keep collecting, taken some stuff and putting it into some bins!!!
Okay… Sorry about that… Seriously though, Ariel had an entire cave filled with things she had no practical use for or understanding of. This would be like if I got a second mortgage and filled a house with Young Adult Romance Novels. Not only would it serve no purpose, but even if I did want to use them I wouldn’t be able to, because I am not the demographic for which they were intended! In fact, it’s more like a collected a bunch of young adult romance novels, in German!
3. Everything will work out fine, so just sign your name to stuff.
I guarantee you every car salesman has at one point or another thanked the makers of this movie. “Here, this is a contract from someone who obviously has some serious ulterior motive and just happens to look like the evil spawn of Lucifer and an octopus, don’t worry about reading it though, just take this pen and slap your name on there. Don’t be a pansy and read the contract or suggest possible amendments such as “No fair using my voice against me to seduce the man I love” or even “No fair murder killing Eric which is what you actually should have done the second I signed this thing.” Don’t worry, just close your eyes sign on the line, everything will be great.
2. Marry random people who you heard sing one time.
What? I heard you sing once and it sounded good?? Well OBVIOUSLY I will marry you!! Wait was there mind control??? I don’t think there was mind control. I think Eric was just a moron. In fact, frankly, if there had been mind control it probably would have been an improvement. I mean sure Eric had great hair and played with that giant mop of a dog on the seashore but he was not exactly a nucealr physicist if you catch my meaning. He probably couldn’t even spell physicist. Or cyst. Or Eric. Still though, even the dimmest of dim people, should at least be able to grasp the concept of, I don’t know, first dates. Maybe some light Facebook stalking, before just jumping into the old marriage carriage??
1. Actually no… go ahead and eat fish.
Okay so, after some strenuous research (I went and watched Under the Sea on YouTube) You know what I realized?? Fish are super mean to clams in that video. They beat them like drums repeatedly and then at one point Sebastian jams a whole string of fish hooks into one of their mouths!! Holy cow. Abuse much? Also, Flounder is super annoying, the eels try and murder someone, and Flounder is SUPER annoying. Aside from one whimsical musical number all we know about the fish in the ocean is that they allow themselves to be ruled by any idiot holding a trident, they have very little actual function aside from chorus animals, and Flounder is annoying. Kill ‘em all!!
So there you go guys, five nuggets of… wisdom?? From a movie that could really only accurately be described as: Twilight: The Water Years.
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