It’s really not fair that they’re starting Full House up again. Mostly because, I can’t NOT watch it. I’m compelled to. It’s my duty. I’m a child of the 90s. This is almost as bad as the nostalgia-baiting masterpiece that was Star Wars: The Force Awakens--a film that's NOT getting nominated for a lot of Oscars because apparently the prerequisite to a "good movie" is that the audience can't have any fun.
It's truly amazing that Netflix is playing the part of television necromancer and reviving a 90s sitcom that should probably stay inside it's tomb for the next few millenniums. Full House ended in 1995 when I was 5 years old, and for those of you who don’t know what 1995 was like…it was an unusually idealistic time to be a kid (I mean, that is, as long as you were a white kid in middle-class America).
My family in particular, embraced the 90s full-force. I didn’t want to have to admit this…but there is a photo out there of my entire family in different colored turtlenecks, all reflecting on how we’re going to go home and watch ABC’s defunct American prime-time television block TGIF and drink Mondos and Squeeze-Its until we pass out.
It was a time of Gigapets and Furbies. Gak, and Bumble Ball. There was an unprecedented amount of wealth in America, and our post-Reagan morals were still riding high. You could literally solve any crime before dinner time.
People said things like, “as if!” and “you go girl!” We didn't used the Internet that much, and people actually bought these archaic, heavy books called "Encyclopedias." Even stranger, there were people designated to sell these books every year called "Encyclopedia Britannica Salesmen."
Remember when salesmen existed? Before the robots took our jobs and forced us into slavery? Man, those were the days.
But in all honestly, the 90s were a really strange time.
However, something that helped us ALL get through the plaid skirts and grunge music was a tiny, little, innocuous show called Full House.
And to be frank, Full House was not just any old show. It was a show that represented an era of sitcom happiness that sat amongst the best laugh-track comedies of its day. It's a show that every family watched. It's a show that everyone loved. And most importantly, it's a show that launched the career of the Olsen twins and made them professional fashion event attenders.
I mean...I can tell you where I was, and what happened the day I watched certain episodes of that show. Like the one time I got mad at my sister for forcing me to wear my seatbelt on the way home from the library…and my mom punished me by NOT letting me watch Full House with the rest of the family that night.
It was devastating.
I mean, that was emotional torture. That was borderline sadistic. You can hear about it in my autobiography, Mommy Dearest: The Rise and Fall of a Child Who Missed out on Popular Television Sitcoms of the 90s Because he was a Little Bratty Twat.
To avoid this punishment altogether I snuck downstairs and watched it behind a staircase as my family enjoyed the show together without me.
I can still remember the episode. It’s the one where Steve and DJ break up at Eagle Mountain because they feel they’re not on the same wavelength anymore. I remember being devastated by this…and mind you, I was 4-years-old at the time. This show had power.
Plain and simple, Full House was a staple for anyone who lived through the 90s and survived. It illustrated the optimistic ideals of the decade and invigorated a sense of hope for America's future. It tackled the hardest issues of the day for white teenagers. It redefined the family unit. It revealed what it would be like to have three dads (SPOILER ALERT: It's terrible). I mean, this show had nothing but SUBSTANCE.
So imagine my eyes when I saw this preview today.
Do you feel it? Do you hear it? That sound?
It’s the sound of our generation being marketed to. I hate to admit it, but it’s happening to us--Hollywood’s appeal to Millennials to pay them more cash. Quite simply, it's a ploy by Netflix to make our generation all hypocrites of our socialist, hug-the-world, "support-causes-because-we've-just-heard-about-them-for-the-first-time-on-Facebook" political stances.
We’ve been super good at resisting capitalism and the Baby Boomers with riots and political statements from Occupy Wall St. to our incredibly [in]effective hash-tagging, finger-wagging, Facebook slacktivism posts—but we draw the line when it comes to 90s nostalgic television. We can’t resist. It’s a 90s-kid kryptonite.
I'll drop my Marxist, Utopic, daydream for an episode of Family Matters any day. Heck, I'd sell my house if I could have just one day with Mr. Feeny.
I’m slightly excited and terrified at the same time by my generation finally being at the age where we catch the attention of the cash-grabbing advertisers with dollar signs in their eyes. The potential for ideas when preying upon my childhood is almost too much to bear. What’s next? A live-action Pokemon series?
(Actually this is a really good idea and I’m officially submitting myself as a potential actor for the lead role of “Gary”).
But it’s kind of sad too. Because if Fuller House sucks (it probably will), we can never refer to Full House the same way again.
Every conversation about the show will have to be attached to some arbitrary disclaimer whereby we reject the newer series like we’re some type of Full House savant hipster, “No, no…not Fuller House…the original one. I liked Full House before it was cool.”
This will place me somewhere in between the category of obnoxious people who always proclaim, "the book was so much better," and "I prefer the British version of The Office."
So I'm really bummed that this is happening. I'm already preparing for them to just toss anything in my general direction that makes me feel nostalgic about the show, but with "a modern twist."
I'm anticipating guest stars galore. The Beach Boys. Suzanne Somers. Maybe even Topanga and Urkel will show up.
Or maybe they'll go in a different direction. Maybe I'm misguided. Maybe this will be the best show to ever come back on television.
But more likely, it's just going to be a long spiral into eternal sadness.
Well, that practically confirms it.
Let me leave you with a good taste in your mouth.
For all things Fuller House, stay tuned to my page for reviews and insights over the next couple months!